Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 4
by EternalFlare
Summary: Henry and his adopted daughter Cheryl go on vacation to Silent Hill - but old enemies have other plans for them. Chapter 14: A showdown of sorts! Henry discovers the horrors of the Nightmare sewers! People get shot, and Cheryl's past is finally revealed!
1. Chapter 1: Vacation All I Ever Wanted!

**Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 4**

Degrading the Silent Hill series since 2008

Chapter 1: Vacation (All I Ever Wanted!)

Cheryl Townshend put her tiny jacket on and skipped out into the living room of Room 302. It had been five years after the events of the last story; age had treated everyone very well — almost as if they hadn't aged at all . . .

'Uncle James!' Cheryl called. James came out of the bathroom in boxer shorts, holding a hairbrush covered in toothpaste. 'I love you and I'll miss you!'

'Bye-bye Cheryl!' James replied as he continued brushing his teeth. '_HOW DO THEY EXPECT THESE TO FIT IN YOUR MOUTH!_'

Henry came out of his bedroom. Eileen was following. 'And then Susan was like—' she said as the door shut in her face. Henry walked into the living room. 'Ready to go?'

'Yes! I am!' she answered and she skipped out of the door. Henry smiled and grabbed the car keys. 'Then let's go! Before Maria wakes—'

'Cheryl!?' came Maria's voice from the hallway.

'Go, go, go!' Henry whispered. They rushed out the door and down the stairs.

They stopped by Room 207 to say goodbye to Cheryl's favourite uncles: Uncle Richard and Uncle Amarant. They walked through the broken doorway and stepped in. Immediately Richard teleported in front of them. 'Henry, _CHERYL!_' he cooed as he bent down and pretended to grab her nose. '_Have a good time at Silent Hill!_' He stood straight again and looked at Henry. 'We'll watch James while you're away. I still don't see why you won't take him with you.'

'James is a safety hazard. Vacation is not supposed to be a struggle for life and death. James makes it that way,'Henry said.

Amarant, crouching, came into the room. 'Have a good trip, and be good, girl.' Cheryl nodded happily.

'So guys,' Henry said as he walked out of the apartment, 'when are you going to replace this door?'

'We're not,' Amarant said flatly. 'It got annoying after a while.'

— _The First Flashback! —_

_Amarant walked toward the door with bags of groceries slung on his arm. He opened the door and hit his head on the wall above it._

— _End Flashback —_

— _Second Flashback! —_

_Amarant answered the door, turning the knob and ripping the door off its hinges by pulling slightly. Richard appeared, shaking his head._

— _End Flashback —_

— _Third Flashback! —_

_Amarant opened the door to leave, and hit his head again. He Tranced in rage, and used No Mercy on the door, ripping it off the hinges and blowing the wall around it apart._

'_That . . .' he said, ' . . . makes more room.'_

— _End Flashback — _

Mr. Coral waved to Cheryl. 'See you when you get back.'

Cheryl ran across the room and hugged her uncle, then ran back to Henry.

'Don't do anything stupid, Townshend!' Richard called.

Henry got in the car with Cheryl, and drove off for Silent Hill.

— — — _Somewhere — — — _

'Who are you?'

'You know who I am.'

'Now if I knew you, would I have asked that question?'

'I don't know. Would you have?'

'This is why I asked you.'

'I think you would have.'

'I'm confused.'

'That's good.'

'Eh, anyhow, how is the plan going? Is everything . . . in order?'

'Everything is going according to schedule.'

'Excellent.'

'So . . . want to get high?'

'Uh . . . why not?'

'I don't know, you tell me.'

'Oh, shut up.'

— — — _The Townshendmobile — — —_

'_**I locked you out, left you naked in the front yard — burned all of your clothes, having nothing can be really hard — now I'm on the run; I'd do it all again — (so catch me if you can, cuz) — I took your car, with your baby in the back seat — racked your credit card, you in debt to a deadbeat — baby now you know how much it hurt, when I caught you in the act wearin' nothin' but a little smirk!**_' Henry sang as he thrashed his head in his car, radio blaring '_Little Smirk_' by Theory of a Deadman. Cheryl was asleep, though how she slept with the volume at sixty, no one knows. Except Cheryl. Or maybe Richard.

A cop was suddenly beside them on motorcycle. She looked inside the car, right at Henry, then rode ahead. Henry looked at Cheryl and smiled. 'Dodged that bullet, huh?' Cheryl looked at him and smiled back.

Henry then hit the guard rail of the road, showering the darkness with sparks from the side of his car. He steered back onto the road, and gasped. 'Don't ever distract daddy while he's driving again!' he scolded as he resumed driving.

Just then he passed the cop's bike, wrecked on the side of the road; the cop was no where to be seen. Henry scratched his head. 'What happened to her?' he thought aloud.

Then a girl in a dress stepped out in front of the car, and shielded herself with her arms. Henry swerved wildly, cursing, and his car flew off the road, because there was no guard rail here. Yeah, I know, weird. I had nothing to do with it.

**Nor me.**

— — — _I, for one, cannot agree there. I do so much, I forget what — — — _

— — — _I haven't done — — —_

Anyway, Henry was flying off the road with Cheryl in the car.

Author: How can you say 'anyway'? You have no feelings?

About as much as you.

**He is right.**

Author: You are still new, Announcer Guy 2. You have no say.

— — — _Yeah, but I got stripes. I can say anything I want. — — — _

Author: Yeah, that's true.

— — — _Some time later . . . bitch — — — _

Henry woke up in his car with Cheryl gone. He walked out of his car, went places, killed a demon, and then the game was over.

_**It's Over!**_

**Not really**.

Henry woke up in his car with Cheryl gone. He held his head and helped hairy hippos hump Herbert Hoover. No, but seriously, his head hurt bad. And it didn't help that he just crashed his car violently through a wire fence. Seriously, how is he not dying!?

'Subway, eat fresh,' Henry muttered as he fell out of his car and onto the sidewalk. Standing, he stretched and held his head. You know, isn't it funny how he had bad headaches in the second parody?

Author: I actually don't recall giving Henry headaches in the second one . . . like, at all.

Well you did. Anyway, Henry got up and walked around. It was very foggy and it was snowing. Odd, seeing as how it was December. Henry looked around and noticed that no one was around.

'I swear to God, if this town is all fucked up like it was with James . . .' Henry muttered. He patted his back pocket for his gun, until he remembered that he was on vacation with his adopted child, whose name is Cheryl. Now Henry began to panic.

'Cheryl!' he yelled. 'Cheryl!' He checked the car and she was not there. He checked the trunk and she was not there. He looked under the car.

'Cheryl!' he cried in happiness as he pulled her out from under the car. She giggled.

'Daddy!' she said as she hugged Henry close. 'Can we get ice cream?'

Henry laughed. 'Sure!'

Then the screen turned black except for a circle where Henry's head was, where he proceeded to wink at the camera. Then the credits rolled.

Author: Seriously, Narrator, stop doing that! It's getting annoying.

Then the Narrator shot Author in the balls and proceeded to rule the Parody.

Then the Author decided to take control of the Parody before the Narrator could screw it up more than it already was.

Back to the actual story.

Henry didn't find Cheryl under the car. But he did see a silhouette (SPELL CHECK ROCKS!) of a young girl distantly in the fog. He stepped forward.

'Cheryl? Is that you!?' he called. The figure started walking away. 'Where are you going!? I'm going to paddle you, young lady! GET BACK HERE! _THERE MIGHT BE DEMON NURSES AROUND AND I DON'T WANT YOU EXPOSED TO NUDITY UNTIL YOU ARE AT LEAST NINE_!' So the chase began!

Cheryl turned down an alley, where Henry followed. The deeper she went, the darker it got, until it was pitch black out. Henry reached in his pocket and pulled out a match.

'I was hoping to use this _during_ the vacation on a questionable green substance, but nooooooo . . .' he lamented as he struck the match. He could now see where he was going.

Then the wind picked up and the match went out.

'Fuck!' Henry screamed as he kicked the wall. He then got an idea — he held the match aloft and cried '_Lumos_!' Brilliant light leapt from the end of the match, and Henry could see. Again.

Now he proceeded to go down the alley until he came to a gurney. It was stained red with blood. 'Now this is just sloppy,' he said. 'What hospital disposes of bodies by parking the gurney in an alley?'

Author: Well, Alchemilla does. And St. Jeromes. And I think Brookhaven does too.

**That's a mental hospital.**

Author: Don't ask.

**Shudder.**

Henry came to a wheelchair that had one wheel spinning, and was turned over. He thought for a moment until he decided he didn't care about it at all. At the end of the alley was a wire fence, where a corpse was hanging.

'Someone put their Christmas decorations up early. It's only December. Oh wait, nevermind.'

He proceeded further, until he stopped proceeding. At that point he had reached a fence with a corpse hanging on it. On it was a note that said '_Walter Sullivan was most definitely not here, at any point, any time, and if there is a body that happens to be here, Walter Sullivan was definitely not the murderer. — Walter Sullivan._'

Henry looked at the body and stared for several moments. After several seconds, he ran back toward the trash can in the corner.

— — — _Five minutes later _— — —

Henry wiped the puke away. 'Ugh, that was disgusting.' He looked at the body again.

— — — _Ten minutes later — — — _

Mr. Townshend stumbled away from the trash can, puke running down his chest. 'Oh God, please . . . make . . . errk!' He spilled more onto the street and finally took a deep breath. He turned to the body once more.

— — — _An hour later — — — _

Two grey demon children strutted up to Henry's body laying on the ground, sleeping, in a pool of his own vomit. One poked him with the knife.

'Uhh . . .' the first said.

The second just shrugged.

Walter Sullivan came up behind them and looked at Townshend. 'Ahh! Good work! I see you've beat him til he puked!'

The demons looked at each other. 'Yep,' one said.

Walter turned to the body on the fence. 'I guess now we should—' The man started vomiting violently on the pavement, falling to his knees and heaving.

The demon children looked around nervously. 'We're gonna take off, boss.'

Walter continued to throw up with extreme violence.

'We'll expect our checks tomorrow,' they said as they walked into the shadows.

-_To Be Continued ..._

_Will Henry find Cheryl? Is Walter alright? Will the demon children receive their checks? Tune in next time to find out!!!_

— — —

_Now the part you've been waiting for._

_Richard: The End?_

_EternalFlare: . . . No . . ._

_Amarant: This is awkward. We haven't done this for a while._

_Eternal: You can say that again._

_Amarant: This is awkward. We haven't done this for a while._

_Eternal: Anyway, this is the point where we answer questions the viewer has asked Richard._

_Amarant: Okay, fire away._

_Richard: Dick, I'm the one who says that!_

_Amarant: Oh, sorry._

_Richard: Okay, fire away._

_Eternal . . . okay, well, you know, there are actually no questions for him. Since this is the first chapter._

_Richard: Oh. That . . . sucks. Balls. Majorly. Major hairy balls._

_Amarant: Balls knockin', Balls knockin' . . ._

_Eternal: NO._

_Amarant: . . . damn._

_Eternal: So, yeah, if any of you have questions for Richard, send 'em down. Or, over. Or, something. I dunno._

_Amarant: And now that the hiatus is finally over, he will be working his ass off to bring you more completely original, clean, family-oriented humour that you've come to expect from the Nameless Parodies._

_Richard: So until next time . . ._

_Amarant: Don't die. Because then you will miss the next chapter. And you wouldn't want that._

_Eternal: Okay, that's enough._

_Amarant: And another thing—_

_Eternal: Til next time!_


	2. Chapter 2: The Second Chapter

Chapter 2: The Second Chapter

Henry woke up a couch-thing in a strange diner. He yawned and stretched. He had a massive headache and was strangely hungry . . .

The memory of what happened came back to him.

— — — _A minute later — — — _

Wiping the puke from his mouth with a napkin nearby, Henry sat up and noticed a blonde cop chick lady watching him from across the room.

'Ugh . . .' Henry said, trying to push the horrifying images out of his head. 'Was I dreaming?'

'How do you feel?' the cop asked. Henry scoffed.

'Like I've been raped in the ass by Tom . . . or hit by a truck. Whichever you prefer . . .'

'Tom?'

'Nevermind. I'm all right, I guess.'

'Glad to hear it.' She looked out the window and back to him. 'You from around here? Why don't you tell me what happened?'

Henry coughed. 'I plead the fifth.'

The cop was silent for a minute. 'That's not what you're supposed to say . . .'

'Stfu,' Henry said. 'I'm on vacation with my daughter Cheryl. Have you seen her?'

'Describe her,' the cop instructed. Henry thought for a moment.

'She's eight years old, short black hair, cutest wittle thing you ever saw! But seriously, have you seen her?'

'Can't say I have. The only person I've seen in this town is you.'

Henry moaned and put his head in his hands. 'Aww . . . fuck!'

'What?'

'Now the town is probably full of crazy shit! God damnit!'

'What's your name?'

Henry bit his lip. Recently he'd been in trouble with the cops — mostly due to James.

— _Jumping Jack Flashback —_

_Henry walked outside of the grocery store, whistling the tune to 'Always Look On the Bright Side of Life'. I won't tell you that it is by Monty Python, because you can look it up. Anyway, Sir Sunderland was standing there with his jacket wide open, following people as they walked by._

'_Whaddya buyin'?' he asked, managing to sound exactly like the merchant from Resident Evil 4. People were running away from him like he was a monster. They were partly right, if my hypothesis is correct._

'_James, what are you doing?' Henry asked, thinking James was just being retarded. The blonde man turned to him and smiled innocently._

'_I'm trying to raise money to fund my superhero career!' He opened his jacket to reveal loads of pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, rocket launchers, knives, swords, and grenades strapped in tightly. Henry screamed and closed his coat, forcing him to get into the car._

_Just then, the cops pulled up. Henry hit his head on the car in frustration. 'James, you stupid bastard!'_

'_I made six-thousand pesetas!' James protested._

— _FIN —_

'Harry. Harry Mason,' Henry lied. 'My name is Harry Mason. Which is not, in any way, a sexual play on words. Like, at all.'

'I see. I'm Cybil Bennet. I'm a police officer from Brahms, the next town over. The phones are all dead, and the radio too. I'm going back for reinforcements.'

'Well then, good luck, I hope you find a way out, though you won't, and I'll be seeing you.' He stood to leave.

'Stop! Where do you think you're going?'

'I gotta take a piss,' he said sarcastically.

'Got a gun?'

Henry reached in his pocket for the revolver. 'Aww shit.'

Cybil stood and pulled out her small pistol, giving it to him. 'Before you pull the trigger, know who you're—'

Henry accidentally pulled the trigger while the gun was pointing at Cybil's head. She fell down in a pool of blood as Henry stood frozen in place. Very, _very_ slowly he backed up and went out the door.

'Where could Cheryl have gone?' he wondered. 'I should check that alley again . . .'

He waited for several minutes, but no map showed up. 'Fuck my life . . .' He started walking down the road.

— — — _The alley — — —_

Walter woke up and saw that everything was normal again. 'Ugh, where did that brat go!? I better go find her before she does something stupid!' He broke into a run, slipping on his puke and landing hard on his back. Standing again, he brushed his jacket off and growled. He then took off into a sprint.

The pipe he had been carrying lay against the wall, forgotten by its master . . .

— — — _In front of the alley — _— —

Henry came to the entrance to the alley. Knowing the town was screwed up, he proceeded with caution. By caution, I mean he walked normally and without looking around for monsters. At least he had the gun out . . .

Suddenly a huge bird collided with him and sent him into a brick wall nearby. '_Mein leben_!' he cried. Standing, he brought the pistol to eye level and scanned the air for the bird. Upon sighting it, he promptly shit himself. Then he fired.

One bullet, two bullet, red bullet, dead birdie.

Henry took a deep breath and wiped his brow. 'I fucking knew it!' he muttered in anger. 'I can't ever take a goddamn vacation . . .'

—_Flashback_—

_Henry sat eating at an outdoor restaurant, alone. '__**And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes — I'll see you on the dark side of the Moon . . .**__' he sang along to the radio quietly. It was a sunny day out, except for the fact that the sun wasn't out. So it had the potential to be sunny._

_There suddenly came a wild scream from a man down the street — another man was biting him in the neck. People were freaking out, naturally, except for Henry. Well, he was just pissed._

'_God damn it!' he yelled. 'I knew Raccoon city was fucked up! That's the last time I trust Amarant's advice!'_

— _FlashbackwithinaFlashback—_

_Author: No. You can't do that. Don't you people remember anything? Damn . . ._

— _EndFlashbackwithinaFlashback—_

—_End Flashback—_

'The sad thing is that I remember that . . .' Henry lamented as a dog tackled him to the ground.

— — — _Room 302 — — — _

Maria was—nevermind.

James was playing with a new refrigerator that they'd just bought, pressing the ice dispenser button haphazardly. The ice fell in the tray, and at the moment it was about ready to overflow.

Robo rolled up and beeped. 'Mr. Sullivan, I must enquire as to your reasoning for purchasing such a useless piece of machinery. I function as a water dispenser and ice machine.'

'Why would I use you when I can simply pay $9,500 for this bulky piece of hardware?' James asked as if Robo were being retarded. He continued to hit the ice button and watch it fall.

'Can you at least consume the ice that you produce?'

'You can't eat ice, stupid!' James pointed out. Suddenly the machine made a horribly terrible noise, and the ice stopped working. James began to pout. Robo booped.

'It would appear that you broke it, Mr. Sunderland.' He rolled over to the box and pulled out Instruction Manuel.

'Manuel, what has James done to cause the ice production aspect of this machine to cease to function?'

Manuel closed his eyes and meditated. When he opened them, they were the same, only different. 'It would appear that you broke the Water Chip, James.'

'Huh?' James booped—I mean, said.

'Yes, you broke the Water Chip. I'm afraid you have 150 days to find a new one.'

'Why?'

Manuel shrugged. 'Don't ask me man — I only work here.'

— — — _lliH tneliS — — — _

Henry had successfully failed to not kill the dogs. They lay in pools of blood around him. Henry wanted to swim in one of those pools, but alas, he had not a bathing suit. Anyhow, he took off down the alley where he hypothesized that Cheryl would be at. After a couple of twists and turns, he came to a chain link fence. Before it was a pipe and a couple of torn out notebook pages.

Henry bent down and picked up the pipe. 'This is a lot like the pipe that Walter carries around . . .' He scowled, and the screen narrowed around his eyes. He stood and shook his fist. 'I will avenge my father!' Then a look of confusion passed over his face. Shrugging, he read one of the notebook pages.

_I'm at the school, dumbass_, it said.

'Isn't this Cheryl's notebook? Hmm . . . she's at the school . . .' He picked up the next note and looked at it intently.

It had a drawing of a penis on it.

'That's just not right for a seven year old . . .' Henry commented. 'Okay . . . hang on Cheryl, I'm coming for you . . . and I'm gonna beat your ass for this drawing!'

With that, a very determined Henry took off down the alley, ready to face any challenge that met him . . . or so he thought . . .

_To be Continued . . ._

_E.F.: Okaaaaaaaaaay . . . Quarity Time Wiff Rickard Bwainfart._

_Richard: AWW YEEAAH!_

_Amarant: Please never do that again._

_Richard: . . . no._

_Amarant: Dick._

_Richard: That's the name._

_E.F.: Okay, we have to actually answer questions, guys. First is a question from least illuminated celestial object in our universe: Darkcomet. He asks: Do you remember me? If Chicago is north and Texas is south, what are you eating for lunch?_

_Richard: Of course I remember you, dartigen. I never forget a face._

_Amarant: Darkcomet._

_Richard: Whatever. As for the other part of your question, if Chicago was north and Texas was south, the planets would be in a consistent state of alignment, thus opening a temporal wormhole into another dimension, allowing me to find the rare delicacy known as '__**ng**__'. Thus I would put ng on a sandwich and eat that for breakfast. Lunch would be the leftovers._

_Amarant: That made no goddamn sense._

_Richard: Does anything with Nameless in it?_

_Amarant: True._

_Richard: Next_

_E.F.: Randall-Flagg89 asks "Richard, what do you do with your free time in between hiatuses?"_

_Richard: Well, let's see . . . the hiatus between the first parody and the second, I was in the middle of fighting the Illuminati, some weird organization bent on world domination._

_Amarant: You weren't in the first parody . . ._

_Richard: Oh Amarant, if only you knew . . . anyway, between the second and third I crashed with the gang and got accustomed to my new ghostly appearance. I tell you, there is no end to the fun a man can get by pulling pranks on chicks. They get so mad! And I'm a ghost that can TELEPORT! What can I not do?_

_Amarant: Have sex._

_Richard: . . . besides that._

_Amarant: I can't think of anything._

_Richard: Right! Well, to finish this up, between the third and fourth, I started to work on a secret project of mine. I cannot reveal the nature of it to anyone, but it will BLOW YOUR MIND WHEN I FINISH!_

_Amarant: I'm helping him with it. It's not that cool._

_Richard: Is too!_

_Amarant: Is not._

_Richard: IS TOO!_

_Amarant: Nope._

_Richard: We'll leave that up to the viewers._

_E.F.: Well that was interesting. Anyway, the end. Ahem. Thank you for tuning in to the Nameless Parody 4. I'd apologise for how long it took to write this, but deep down you expected it, and we all know I'm a lazy bastard! Chapter Three will be up soon! Lol, just joking. Your grandchildren will live to read it though!_


	3. Chapter 3: Let Me Show You My Watchmans

Chapter 3: My Watchmans, Let Me Show You Them

Henry was hit hard with the realization that he had not a clue what to do. So, logically, he ran around until he found a place. This place was an alley behind the café. There was a chain-link fence, and Henry scaled it, landing on the other side like an action hero. He then noticed there was a gate. Cursing to himself, he inspectigated the scene.

A cute little puppy lay on the asphalt, mouth open, tongue hanging out, that cute little expression of complete harmlessness that puppies give pasted on its face. Henry, despite himself, was awed by the cuteness of the puppy. It took him a minute to notice that the puppy was beheaded, laying in a pool of its own blood. A key floated in the pool.

After he spent a good ten minutes crying over the death of a puppy he didn't know, he took the key and left the area. A demon dog strode up to him and growled. Henry brandished the pipe. 'I AM IN NO MOOD!' he said fiercely, holding back tears. The dog whimpered and walked away, downtrodden.

Once more Henry came to a place. This place was a huge chunk taken out of the road, a lone cop car sitting desolately there. Its trunk was open — a pack of handgun bullets and a key sat inside. Pocketing the bullets and the key, Henry sat for a long hard minute, wondering what to do next.

— — — _Somewhere that is not Silent Hill — — —_

'Hello sir, I am looking for a Water Chip! If you could tell me where I can find one, I would sure appreciate it! I can pay you in Bottlecaps and pesetas!' James smiled widely.

'James, you idiot, this is the eighth time you asked me!' Richard, standing in the doorway of his apartment, yelled. 'I have not seen a Water Chip, and I'm pretty sure the idea of one makes no goddamn sense! So SHUT UP AND LEAVE! NOW!'

James, saddened, turned and walked down the hall. Auron walked by him. 'Oh, Mr. Auron! Have you by any chance . . .' He was cut off by Richard throwing his crowbar at him, knocking him out.

'He didn't even get to finish the (hic) question!' Auron protested. Richard grabbed his crowbar and aimed at Auron, who took off down the hall.

— — — _Inside James's Thoughts . . . . — — —_

The blonde was floating through multicoloured landscapes, passing by centaurs and aliens and minotaurs and Marias and marijuana leaves. 'Brain Damage' was playing by Pink Floyd, who was actually playing in the background, back when they were young.

A face appeared to him. It was a man with a beard, clad in powered armor and holding an assault rifle. James instantly recognised him.

'Jim Raynor!' he exclaimed.

Amarant: Wait, who?

Author: Look him up. .org/wiki/Jim_Raynor

Amarant: Will do.

'Hey James,' Raynor replied. 'I noticed you're looking for a Water Chip. I know, I'm not from that game. But I'm a man of action. I have to help you, somehow.'

'We're both named James!' James realized.

'. . . yes, yes we are. Now listen. That town, Silent Hill . . . remember it? Well, there's a Water Chip there. But you gotta be careful — I hear there's weird things going on around there.'

'That's where Hen-Hen went on vacation!'

'Hen-Hen?' Raynor asked, oblivious.

'Henry!' James clarified.

'Dude, are you gay!?' Jim cried.

'No, you silly goose!'

'I had a bad experience with a gay guy once . . .'

'I am not gay!' came the voice of Arcturus Mengsk. 'I was simply questioning the nature of my sexual cravings, Jim.'

'Shut the hell up, Arcturus!' Jim yelled.

'Bring it on, you whiny little puss,' the emperor replied. The two began to catfight.

Suddenly James snapped back to the real world. His pants were at his ankles and he was being rolled over onto his side. He turned and saw Tom standing over him.

'Hey Tom!' he greeted. The Pyramid Head froze.

'This, this never happened, James, it never happened. Ever. Never happened.' He backed away slowly and disappeared down the hall.

'Silly Tom!' the blonde laughed as he pulled his pants back up.

— — — _That House on Levin Street — — — _

Henry had found all the keys, and he proceeded to unlock the door to the backyard. He stepped through and stretched. 'Phew!' he declared. 'From that map I saw on the board in the house, the school should be—' He pulled out the map and started to look it.

Everything went pitch black.

Biting his lip, Henry turned around and walked through the door, the sky instantly lighting up. He traversed the streets until he reached the diner — angrily he took the flashlight and walked back to the back yard of the house. When it got dark, he flicked the light on.

He now pulled out the map and examined it. It wasn't too far to the school — but the town was now pitch-black, and crawling with monsters. Readying the pipe and the pistol, he charged through the alleyway and into the street. Pterodactyls squawked and dogs barked and for some reason a cow mooed.

Henry stopped to catch his breath, flicking his flashlight off and sitting on a grassy area. 'Mother of . . . that was . . . phew . . . I haven't been this out of breath since I took the gang to see _Watchmen_ . . .'

— _Flashback —_

_The gang is sitting in a packed movie theater, Tom next to Maria, in the next row James sitting next to Cheryl, who sat next to Henry, who was the pillow of a very much asleep Eileen. In the row before them, the Chrono Trigger gang sat. Robo was secretly filming the movie for to sell the pirated copy._

_Maria leaned forward and said 'Are you sure Cheryl's old enough to watch this movie?'_

'_Oh the only thing that's been bad so far is the language and the violence and the, like, four sex scenes. It's not like they explicitly show genitals or anything.'_

_Tom groaned. 'This movie sucks . . . I can't follow anything!'_

'_Doctor Manhatten has lost touch with humanity, so Ozymandias planned to—'_

'_Shhhh!' James and Cheryl said in unison. They resumed eating popcorn._

'_I art going to get us some refreshments!' Frog declared, and he hopped away.'_

_Tom shifted in his seat. 'I think I'm going to duck out of—'_

_And then Lower Manhatten came upon the screen . . ._

'_OH MY SWEET GOD!' Henry screamed as he threw his hands over Cheryl's eyes and shook with horror._

'_It's not fair!!!' Crono cried. Literally. He was bawling._

_Maria just simply purred. 'Oh my . . .' she said as she felt herself blushing._

'_I LOVE THIS MOVIE!' Tom yelled as he leaned forward in his seat._

_Henry stood up and raced out of the theatre with Cheryl in his arms. Tom was led by Maria, Eileen awoke to mass hysteria and simply giggled. 'I had a dream about towels!' she exclaimed._

_Crono was led out of the room by Robo, whose lens had shattered. Frog was getting a bag of popcorn and soda, and upon seeing everyone evacuating, he simply said 'What is all the commotion for? I hath purchased food and drink—'_

'_A 200ft penis happened,' Robo replied calmly. 'I'll give you a copy, Frog, I think you'll like it.'_

_Henry sat Cheryl in the car and tried to catch his breath, but one horrible thought nagged at him. 'Oh no . . .'_

'_What is it?' Maria asked as she restrained Tom, who was fighting tooth and nail to reenter the theatre._

'_We left a man behind . . .'_

_And James sat on the theatre floor, in the fetal position, rocking himself back and forth while muttering nonsense._

— _End Flashback —_

'James still can't look at the colour blue without flashbacks . . .' Henry recalled with a tinge of sadness. 'Anyway, after that unnecessarily long flashback, what was I doing?'

Suddenly Henry appeared inside the school.

'Is this that "plot device" thing that James talks about all the time?' he asked.

Author: Something like that, yeah.

'Now, I get two more of these, right?'

Author: Yeah. I guess . . .

'. . .'

Author: Okay, fine, you get two more.

'Yay!' Henry cried as he burst through the doors of the school, renewed by the . . . he was happy. That's all you need to know . . . you bastards.

Author: Cool it.

Shut the hell up. I hate this job. I hate using those stupid details and describing things and—

Author: I'll let you sleep with Eileen.

Deal. Henry, renewed by the promise of a plot device, entered the dark school with the intent of finding Cheryl. As he walked down the hall, he heard a sound that sounded an awful lot like the sound that guns make. He tried the door to the western-most hallway, but it didn't open. So, logically, he went to the teacher's lounge that was right next to it.

Inside, he found a single bullet on the table. A note was attached.

'YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!' Henry screamed as he picked the note up. '"_You've found the Magical Bullet of Fantastical Awesomeness and Stuff! Load it into the Beretta that you have quite convieniently and enjoy the fact that your gun will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER RUN OUT! BOOYA!_'

Henry took to examining the furnishings of the room. There was a table, made of the finest oak, with some very comfortable couches made of leather, and easily more comfortable then Henry's stuff.. The lamp was fitted with a nice lightbulb. The walls were painted white, and a single light hung from the ceiling.

There was a dumb painting on the wall too.

Henry left the room, and decided to go out in the courtyard and test his newfound weapon . . . err . . . newfound ammo . . . magic ammo . . . whatever.

Inside the courtyard, he found a tall, muscular guy in strange body armor. He was wielding a flamethrower, and was killing demon children with said weapon. Upon roasting one, he pulled out a pistol and shot one of them exactly fourteen times. He then started to laugh maniacally as he reloaded his gun and fired another clip into the burnt one.

'Err . . .' Henry said, '. . . is this a bad time?'

'WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING HELL!' the man screamed as he turned around and fired at Henry, hitting him in the heart and knocking him to the ground, dead.

Henry found himself outside the courtyard door, completely unscathed. 'Oh yeah, you can continue in these games!' he exclaimed. The screen went black, and the following tip appeared:

'**Tip:** Some enemies carry guns. These enemies can typically kick your ass. It's advised that you run like the little pussy that you are. You're a bitch. Bitch.'

'I'll show you a bitch!' Henry growled as he burst through the door screaming.

— — — _Ten seconds later — — —_

Henry found himself back outside, completely unscathed once more. The screen went black again.

'**Tips:** See? You're a little bitch. Can't even beat this insanely easy part of the game that never actually happened. Why don't you go back to Room 302? Go bang that Eileen chick — oh wait, your balls haven't dropped yet. Sorry, my bad.'

'You dirty son of a bitch!' Henry screamed as he kicked the door open once more.

— — — _A minute later — — — _

Henry sighed when he reappeared in the hallway. He calmly waited for the text to appear.

'**Tip:**_ Black_

_and_

_white are_

_all I see_

_in my infancy._

_Red and yellow then came to be_

_Reaching out to me._

_Let's me see._'

' . . . GRATZ! YOU CAN RECITE STUPID ASS POETRY! HOW'S ABOUT A **FUCKING** **TIP FOR ONCE**!?'

'**Tip:** Hey fag . . . why don't you try SHOOTING THE FUCKER WITH THE INFINITE AMMO YOU GOT? HOW BOUT THAT, DIPSHIT? God, how did you ever make it this far? You seriously suck some major—'

Author: Lollipops! That's what you were going to say.

'**Tip:** No, I was going to say dick. Penis. Cock. And by the way, that was a fucking Tool song, you little pisshead.'

Author: I hate this new guy . . .

'Me too,' Henry mused. He then proceeded to open the door to the courtyard and scream 'HEY YOU!'

The man turned and yelled 'WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING SHIT!'. Bringing his gun up to bear, he fired a whole mag at Henry. Henry leapt out of the way and came up firing, missing horribly, because despite what you see in action movies, if you aim after rolling your chances of scoring a hit _decrease_. The man was out, and Henry's finger was sore.

'HAHAHAHA!' the man cackled mindlessly. 'THAT WAS AWESOME!'

'Yeah,' Henry wheezed. 'Awesome. Say. Why. Did. You. Shoot. At. Me?'

'I don't know!' the man bellowed and began to laugh again. 'Come to think of it, I can't remember why the FUCK I'M HERE! LOL!'

'Did you just say "LOL"?'

'YEAH, I DID!'

Author: The caps are getting annoying.

Amarant: You're the author.

Author: Think of me more as a . . . recorder.

Amarant: You can use italics or bold.

Author: Shut up Amarant. You don't know anything.

'My name's Eddie! Eddie—uhh, people just call me the COMEDIAN! WHOO!'

Henry sighed. 'Shit. Another crazy ass.'

'Where we goin'!?' the Comedian asked eagerly, shouldering a pump action shotgun and lighting a cigar.

'I'm looking for my daughter, Cheryl. Have you seen her?'

The Comedian took his cigar out of his mouth. 'She about this high, wearin' a blue skirt, short black hair?'

'Yeah!'

'Haven't seen her. Tell you what, I'll help you look for her!'

'No, that's—'

'HELL YEAH! HENRY AND EDDIE! LET'S DO THIS SHIT!' the Comedian took off through the door opposite where Henry came in.

'If he winds up living with us by the end of the parody, I'm fucking shooting myself.' With that, Henry took off into the great unknown.

_To Be Continued . . ._

_EternalFlare: What's up! Been a long time since we rocked and rolled and all that jazz. So let us get on with it._

_Richard: Woot._

_Amarant: I'm game._

_EternalFlare: First and only, our question comes from the Darkcomet — 'Alright, Richard I have a question for you, if you were to be at a train station with Amarant with you and Maria stuffed in a suit case but you were 1 hour early and the only thing left to do was play the arcade version of Donkey Kong, would you give Amarant the money to play it or would you just throw the suitcase with Maria in it on the tracks and wait eagerly for the train?'_

_Richard: . . . hmm . . . mmyes . . . well dartigen—_

_Amarant: Darkcomet._

_Richard:— I think I'd have to go with a compromise — I'd give Amarant the suitcase and go play Donkey Kong myself. After forty-five minutes, I'd go over to see how he's doing. He'd probably be standing against the wall with his arms crossed, and some dude would try and make conversation. Then he'd do his gay 'put-it-right-in-my-ass' battle stance and be all like 'Are you asking for a CHAAALLEEEENGE!!!!!!?' Then Maria, being an amazing escape artist from her previous career as . . . an escape artist . . . would escape just as the train was coming. Then she'd throw herself on my and try to make some sex. I'd calmly (as in loudly and violently) remind her that I'm dead. This would not be a problem for her, but Tom would arrive and have to choose between what he is more aroused by: Maria being clingy and dirty or me being angry and violent. He'd ultimately choose me, but Amarant would throw a Wing Edge at him. Right Amarant?_

_Amarant: . . . no. I'd watch the door to make sure no one was coming._

_Richard: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PACT!?_

_EternalFlare: Huh?_

_Amarant: All the men in the Nameless Parody signed a MDATAHRW: Mutual Defence Against Tom And His Raping Ways. But what the others don't know won't hurt them._

_Richard: I'll never be able to trust you again._

_Amarant: You never trusted me in the first place._

_Richard: But I __**acted**__ like I did._

_EternalFlare: Well, it seems as if there is about to be a very womanly argument going on here, so I'll cut it here. See you on Chapter 4! HAHAHA! I KID! I KID!_


	4. Chapter 4: Fast Times

Chapter 4: Fast Times at Midwich Elementary

Henry and the Comedian were find themselves in an hall. A small pack of demon children shambled up to them and did that stupid groaning sound. You know, the 'mgyoyah' sound that sounds kinda like they're burping, but not really. Henry pulled out his pistol and took aim at one of the children, but before he could fire, the Comedian blew the thing to pieces with a lever-action rifle, and, even when it ceased to alive, continued to blast it. Soon he was out of ammo.

'Geez, calm—' Henry began, but the Comedian had already turned to another demon child and started blasting him with a handgun, unleashing a full clip into it and then pistol-whipping it into a bloody mass of bone and guts.

'Holy mother of—' Henry began again, but the Comedian, out of ammo, picked him up and swung him into the last remaining monster, knocking the thing across the room and giving Henry nasty head pain. Eddie then charged across the room and leapt on it, beating it brutally with his fists. Henry watched in sheer awe and slight fear. Once the thing no longer consisted of molecular compounds, Eddie stood up and took a deep breath.

'WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' he screamed as he reloaded his guns and charged into another room, shortly after which gunshots were heard. Many, many of them. Almost too many of them.

Henry opened the door to find Eddie reloading his guns again. Looking around he could see no trace of the monsters the Comedian had been fighting. 'Man, you blew them into nothing?'

'Huh?' Eddie replied, confused. 'Oh! No, there weren't any enemies in here! I just like the smell of gunpowder — and DEATH! WHOOOO!' He charged into another room.

'. . . I'm just gonna solve the puzzles now,' Henry sighed as he walked away.

— — — _203 mooR — — — _

Tom and Maria sat on the couch, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ear. And by that I mean they were fornicating violently. Naw, just kidding. They really were just talking. I know, not nearly as fun, but this ain't no porno. Everyone who thought that this _was_ a porno, well . . . how the hell did you reach that conclusion?

'My favorite colour is blue,' Maria whispered.

'SHUT UP! MINE IS SO BLUE TOO!' Tom exclaimed. They both giggled.

'My favorite colour is fourteen!' Eileen interjected from the kitchen, where she was eating raw hamburger.

'. . . that's nice, Eileen, that's really nice . . .'

'Where is Henry at?'

'He's on vacation with Cheryl. How do you not know this? He left you a letter explaining it, an audio tape for you to listen to, and we've left you notes around the apartment.'

'Who's Cheryl?'

Tom sighed. 'You're hopeless.'

Suddenly an earshatteringly awesome guitar solo flooded the apartment. Eileen instinctively followed the notes to the mysterious room 207. Opening it recklessly, she found a sight that would only be described as 'Whoa'.

Claire Redfield was leaning on a mic with a bass slung over her shoulder, watching Richard Brainfart solo on an electric guitar, while Amarant sat at a drum kit in the back, and Setzer Gabbiani held a keyboard synthesizer and sat on an amplifier. Richard was getting awfully into it but was obviously not putting any effort in it at all.

'Who the hell are you?' Claire asked as Eileen stepped in and giggled. Richard said something but no one could hear it.

'RICHARD! YOU'RE STILL PLAYING!' Setzer yelled. Richard looked down and mouthed 'Ohhhh', and abruptly stopped playing.

'What the hell are you doing here?' he shouted. 'This is a top-secret project!'

'. . . you're kidding right?' said Crono, who was sitting at the kitchen counter with Frog and Robo. 'We walked in and you didn't notice, and we knew you were doing it because we heard "Glasgow Smile" from across the street!'

'We forgot to soundproof the studio,' Setzer stated. Richard, Amarant, and Claire simultaneously facepalmed him.

'How did you know "Glasgow Smile"?' Amarant asked. 'I didn't think anyone here had ever heard of these—'

'WHO HASN'T HEARD OF THE SOVIET REUNION!?' Crono yelled. 'They're the most popular underground band ever!'

'Who is this Soviet Reunion?' asked Tom, who, along with Maria, had followed Eileen to 207. Yeah, I forgot to mention it. Sue me.

'The best band evar,' Maria, Crono, Robo, Frog, and, strangely, Eileen, said at once.

'Led by their frontman, Richard Brainfart! But what happened to Revolver Ocelot?' said Robo.

'Oh, he lost an arm, remember?' Claire explained. 'He couldn't very well drum with that horrible replacement.'

'I'm taking over,' Amarant declared, being very much too large for the drum kit.'They decided to record a new album. Seeing as how I know Richard, I forced him to let me on board.'

'It was Claire's idea,' Richard said as he took a drink of Red Bull. 'She suggested we get back together.'

'What made you decide to do that?' Maria asked.

'It was weird,' Claire said distantly . . .

—_Flashback—_

_Claire was waiting for the elevator to come when William Birkin crashed through the ceiling and came at her (lol). She ran around and shot some acid rounds into him, and ran to a corner to get her crossbow out._

'_I should reunite the Soviet Reunion,' she mused._

—_End Flashback—_

'Yeah,' Maria said, 'it was weird.'

'Errm, I have no clue what this band is . . . what genre are you and stuff?' Tom asked.

'Progressive rock, is what they typically label us,' Richard stated. 'Our first album was geared toward hard rock, but after that we drifted into psychedelia, and ultimately landed in progressive. I like to think of us as "awesome rock".'

'I have all your albums!' Robo booped.

'Nice to know we have a fan!' Setzer chimed.

'You guys got any requests?' Claire inquired.

Robo processed for a microsecond before spouting out '"Shock and Awe"!'

Claire played a long opening bass riff, lasting for almost half a minute, until Setzer entered with a hypnotizing synthesizer sequence while Amarant exploded on drums. Richard eventually came in with a sweet solo that lasted two minutes.

'I can die happy,' Crono sighed. He then pulled out a lighter and began to wave it through the air.

— — — _Somewhere Where the Soviet Reunion Is Not Playing — — —_

'Gentlemen,' Walter announced, 'welcome to my lair!'

Ozymandias, Garland, Albert Wesker, Dr. Wily, Bowser, and Alucard sat around a round table, in a plain yellow room with a single light hanging from the ceiling.

'As you know,' he continued, 'Henry Townshend, my sworn nemesis, is in Silent Hill — just as planned!'

'Why did you call us here?' Wesker asked. 'We don't even know you.'

'I HAS PRINCESS TO KIDNAP!' Bowser screamed very loudly.

'For what purpose did you conduct this meeting?' Garland asked as he stood, turned around, and swung back around quickly while raising his arm in the air.

'I called you here so that we may form an unstoppable federation of villains! We will unite in the goal of obtaining the **Ultimate Powah**!'

Everyone gasped.

'Yes, the **Ultimate Powah**!' Everyone gasped again. 'With the **Ultimate Powah**—' Everyone gasped. '—that "Cheryl" holds, we can become all-powerful beings, unstoppable entities of mass destruction, chaotic warlords of epic scale, omnipotent—'

'We get the fucking point!' Wily exclaimed flamboyantly. 'How do we achieve the **Ultimate Powah**!?' Everyone gasped.

'We must unite the half of Wallace called "Alessa" with the half of Wallace named "Cheryl"! The resulting transformation should rip a hole in our dimension, gaining access to the Twilight Zone!'

'NOOO!' Alucard screamed. 'NO! NO! NO! I'm NOT GOING THERE, MAN! I'M NOT!'

'Not the book,' Ozymandias clarified. 'The Rush song.'

'No!' Walter cried. 'The other dimension crafted solely from pure energy!'

'. . . oh, the entire album _2112_?'

'The place of eternal dusk, where the **Ultimate Powah**—' Everyone gasped. '—resides!'

There was a general aura of understanding between everyone, until Ozymandias raised his hand. '_2112_ is the **Ultimate Powah**, right?' Everyone gasped, and then facepalmed him at once.

'How do we unite the two halves?' Garland asked menacingly. Walter moved to speak, but nothing came out. He tried again, but once more, nothing came out.

'Any ideas?' he asked hopefully. Intense facepalming ensued.

Suddenly a shadow appeared before them, and it revealed itself to be Kaufmann. He bitchslapped Walter, who whimpered, and turned to the other villains. 'I am the leader of this group! Who the hell authorized this meeting?'

Everyone pointed at Walter, who got bitchslapped again.

'Now, I believe Walter has told you my dastardly plan, and you know that if we achieve it, we stand to gain something of immense use.'

'The **Ultimate—**' Wily began, but Garland cast Silence on him, and thus, no one gasped.

'In order to obtain the . . . **U.P.** . . . we must unite Cheryl and Alessa and thus conjure Wallace the Daemon! To do this, we must unite—wait, did I go over that? Oh, anyway, the union is under way. Cheryl is being drawn to Alessa — but Alessa is in the midst of trying to stop the reunion by planting the Mark of Samael in seemingly random places around town. Thus, we must keep Henry alive to ensure that he stops her!'

Ozymandias raised his hand. Kaufmann sighed and pointed at him. 'Why don't we just stop her ourselves? We're badass villains and Dr. Wily.'

'We have moar urgent problems to attend to. Besides, that would never work.'

'Why not?' Alucard asked. 'Your reasoning is highly illogical.'

'This is the Nameless Parody, did you really expect a coherent plot?'

'Now you're just lampshading.'

'Huh?'

'You're pointing out the poorly designed plot to draw attention away from it.'

'I am not!'

'Yes,' Ozymandias said, 'you are.' All the others nodded in agreement.

'SO WHAT IF I AM!?'

'I think people won't like that.'

Kaufmann shook with rage. 'Whoever wants out of this plan, just leave right now!'

Everyone got up and left, except Walter, Garland, and Ozymandias. Walter leapt up and held out his hand. 'Wesker! Don't go!'

Wesker flipped him off and continued walking.

Kaufmann looked at his remaining troops and thought for a moment. 'Okay, we can still do this. Garland! You try and find Cheryl and lure her here. Oz—Oza—O-guy! You make sure no one gets into town! And Walter, you . . . uh . . . hell, do whatever you want.'

Walter saluted and pulled out his pistol. 'Yes sir!' He took off out of the room. Garland floated and his theme began to play. He then teleported to an unknown area. Ozymandias turned to leave, but turned around and faced Kaufmann. 'It's pronounced Ozymandias, you stupid ass hole.' He then walked away.

Kaufmann sat down in the chair and massaged his sinuses. 'This whole plan is fucked. Dahlia better pay me good for this.'

— — — _Midwich Elementary — — — _

Henry sat before the piano, pondering what to do, when the Comedian came in. 'HEY BUDDY!' he laughed as he punched Henry in the shoulder. 'I killed all the monsters in this joint! I'm out of bullets, but that's okay! I fought in Vietnam! Any bald demon children come my way, I'LL FUCK 'EM UP! YEAH! WHOO!'

''kay, cool, thanks.' Henry resumed thinking about the piano puzzle. 'I don't get this puzzle at all.'

'LET EDDIE TAKE A LOOK AT IT!' the Comedian screamed, shoving Henry out of the chair and sitting down. 'Err, how do I do it again? OH YEAH!' He then proceeded to play 'Moonlight Sonata' perfectly.

'. . . I don't even want to know how the hell you knew that song.' The emblem falled off of the wall and onto the ground. Henry picked it up and put it in his pockets. 'I already got the gold one, so I guess that we can unlock that clock tower.'

'Unlock it? HA! I KICKED IT DOWN ON THE WAY HERE!'

Henry curled up in the fetal position and cried for ten minutes, whereupon he stood and left the room, completely composed. Eddie followed. At the clocktower, they discovered that Eddie, indeed, had kicked open the door to the clock tower. They ascended it, ran through it, and descended it without incident.

Henry noticed that it was raining, but otherwise they were in the same place as before. 'WHAT THE FUCK! I FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE! GRR!' He then noticed the weird cymbal on the ground. After picking it up and examining it, he noticed the symbol drawn across the courtyard. 'Hmm, this wasn't here before.'

The Comedian strode up to him and spat on the ground. 'What the hell is that? Looks like some cult shit. I hate cults. I hate cults! I HATE CULTS! GRRR! KILL!' He charged off out of the courtyard.

'EDDIE! God dammit! Why the hell does he _do_ that!?' He took off after Eddie, shaking his head and complaining the whole time.

_To Be Continued . . ._

_EternalFlare: Yeah. QTWRB. You knowed it were coming. Don't act surprised._

_Richard: LET'S GET IT ON!_

_EternalFlare: How about we don't? Anyway, here is an question from Darkcomet: 'If you were to go on a trip with Frog, James, and Richard Nixon. where would you go, what would you do, and who would you try to kill first, all at once doesn't count and massive genocide of planet is also out.'_

_Richard: I'd go with a massive—WHAT!? Aww come on!_

_Amarant: You cheap bastard._

_Richard: Well we'd go to Shadow Moses, and pretend that we were spies . . . at least, they'd be pretending. We'd junction some GF's and fight a Metal Gear, all the while avoiding the Monster._

_Amarant: Did you mix Final Fantasy VIII, Metal Gear Solid, and Hellnight in the same sentence?_

_Richard: Yes. Yes I did._

_EternalFlare: KK, who would you kill?_

_Richard: Isn't it obvious?_

_Amarant: James._

_EternalFlare: Frog._

_Richard: Nope. Nixon._

_EternalFlare: Why?_

_Richard: Thou fool. There can be only one Richard._

_Amarant: So true._

_Richard: Plus, I don't think he slept with that woman anyway, and that makes him a loser._

_EternalFlare: . . . Nixon was impeached for the Watergate Scandal. CLINTON had the affair._

_Richard: Oh . . . well Clinton totally did that shit, which is why we hang out on Sundays._

_EternalFlare: That's . . . disturbing._

_Amarant: Yeah, totally._

_EternalFlare: So, that concludes our broadcast day. If you have any suggestions, comments, questions, nude photos, or video games, be sure to send them over. Richard will be happy to kind-of-answer-them. Til next time!_

_Amarant: Au revoir._

_Richard: Adieu._

_EternalFlare: And all that jazz._


	5. Chapter 5: A Little Help From My Friends

Chapter 5: A Little Help From My Friends

'So then I told him,' James said to a stranger as he sat on a corn flake, waiting for the van to come. I mean, sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. I mean, sitting at a bus stop, waiting for a bus. To come.

'Told who what?' the man asked him as he looked around, not knowing if James was talking to him or what.

'How did you know?'

'Please stop talking to me.'

'Do you know where I can find a Water Chip?'

'That makes no sense. Water chips? There's no such thing.'

'When does the bus get here?'

'Not soon enough,' the man sighed as he pulled a gun out and shot himself in the head.

'That's a nice gun. Where'd you buy it?'

— –– — _The Hill of Silence — — —_

The Comedian had just murdered seven demon children with his bare hands, as Henry looked on in boredom. The large vigilante was now standing up from his seventh kill, wiping the blood off of his hands and laughing maniacally.

'Dude, is there something wrong with you?' Henry asked, fingering his revolver handle.

'WHAT!' Eddie screamed as he turned around, reaching for his handgun.

'Nothing. Say, I suggest we split up. I'll—'

'SPLIT UP? NO! TEAM EDDIE AND HENRY! YEAH!'

'Please stop talking in caps! It's annoying!'

'MAEK ME'! Eddie screamed.

'Huh?'

'MAKE ME!' Eddie corrected.

'I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life,' Henry repeated as he hit his head against the rusty wall.

— — — _Jaims Sandrolind_ — — —

Many minutes had passed since the previous attendant of the bus bench had become an hero, and James was still conversing with him. All of a sudden, a man clad in a trenchcoat and wearing a strange mask sat down beside him and began to write in a journal. He talked extremely loudly while he wrote.

'Diary of Rorschach — November 3rd, 2009. I found a carton of spoiled milk in Nite Owl's fridge. Confronted him about it. Was told that I was confrontational. Responded by breaking a beer bottle and cutting him across the face. Was subsequently kicked out of house. Walked down street and stepped in dog feces. Feces was filled with corn. Tasted peculiar.'

'What are you doing?' James asked, and was immediately met with a fist to the face and a knee to the gut.

'_WHERE ARE YOU HIDING HIM_?' Rorschach screamed as he choked James.

'Huh?'

'_WHERE IS HE_?'

'I don't understand.'

'You will soon!' the homeless man growled as he picked James up and slammed him against the bench.

'Do you know anything about a Water Chip?' James asked nonchalantly.

'I'm asking the questions here, hotshot! Where's the girl? Where are the drugs? What have you done—wait, Water Chip?'

'I broke our fridge, and now we have to find a Water Chip to fix it!'

'You . . . have a case? Like, something to get solved? A real problem? Wow . . . can I tag along?'

'Verily!' James cried. 'Now, let's wait for this bus together, shall we?'

'You got it, boss. Name's Rorschach.'

'Pleased to meet you Ratchock, I'm James.'

'No, Rorschach.'

'Ramshack.'

'Rorschach . . .'

'Robocop.'

'_RORSCHACH! MY NAME IS RORSCHACH!_' that one guy screamed as he shook James violently.

'Okay, let's wait for the bus together then!' James declared, smiling.

'Where's it going?' Rorschach asked.

'Silent Hill.'

'Sounds . . . kinda like some tourist place.'

'I dunno, I've never been there.'

— — — _Room 207_ — — —

The Soviet Reunion was rehearsing one of their songs, 'Broadsides'. Richard played his guitar so hard that the strings broke.

'Son of a bitch!' he said. 'Why can no guitars take that solo? Back in the old days they could!'

'Back in the old days, girls only played in bands named "Heart" and "Jefferson Airplane",' Claire reminded.

'Things have changed, Richard,' Setzer summarized. Claire rolled her eyes and looked at Amarant.

'Your friend's been shattering cymbals at the end of "Crisis One", and I'm pretty sure his foot pedal broke the floor.'

'I broke the pedal on the first song,' Amarant clarified coolly. 'I've been kicking the bass with my foot ever since.'

'Man, this is just like the good days — breaking instruments and we aren't even on-stage!' Richard laughed and took a drink of Red Bull.

'Oh, really?' came a voice from the door to 207. Before their eyes, almost incomprehensible as it may be, stood the High-Pitched Terror, the Red Coat Closet Homosexual — Alfred Ashford.

'Alfred,' Claire said coldly.

'Cl_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_rre,' Alfred . . . Alfred'd.

'It's that guy who you don't like!' Setzer announced.

'Mmhmmhmmhmmhmm, I've c_o_me to t_e_ll you th_a_t _IIIIIIIIII_ will be the most p_oooooooo_pular b_aaaa_nd this year!'

'How can you be a popular band?' Amarant asked. 'You have to have more than one member.'

'Ny_a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a_!' Alfred squeaked. 'You just watch and wait and watch and wait and learn and wait and watch! I have a legion of musicians that will _a_nn_IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_hilate you! Ny—'

Amarant threw his drum sticks at him, knocking him out cold. 'That little rat is annoying as fuck!' he declared.

— — — _Madwatch Elementarily Sckool_ — — —

Henry and Eddie had been wandering around the school for a long time until they came to a girl's bathroom. They were casually opening stalls, Eddie asserting that he'd done it before and it had been cool then. Among the ones they opened was one that contained a corpse strung to the wall with barbed wire, and a shotgun laying on the ground.

Eddie gasped, and started to shake violently as he reached down and picked it up, stroking it and marvelling in its beauty. Henry took a step back, desperately wanting to be as far from the Comedian as possible.

'It's . . . it's beautiful. I feel so warm now, so . . . warm,' the ex-hero said.

Henry took another step backward. 'Good lord, it's cuz you pissed your pants you . . . ugh!'

Eddie looked at him and grinned.

A moment passed.

Eddie kept grinning.

'YOU SICK FUCK!' Henry screamed as he flew into another stall and vomitted violently.

— — — _Five Minutes Later _— — —

'So are we cool?'

'NO! WE ARE NOT COOL EDDIE!'

'Why not!'

'ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?'

'What's wrong? What'd I do?'

'If I have to tell you what you did you're mentally ill!'

'Hey boy, a gun is a beautiful instrument of death!'

'IT'S NOT THAT BEAUTIFUL!'

Suddenly Walter walked into the bathroom and rapped on the wall. 'Hey, guys, some of us are trying to work here, so would you please shut the fuck up? Thank you.' He then left the room.

Henry pulled out the handgun. 'Cock your shotgun, Eddie!'

'Whoa, buddy, I'm not like that!'

Henry growled in absolute frustration and put the handgun to his temple, pulling the trigger and blowing his brains all over the wall.

**Tip:** Point the barrel at the enemies, you stupid cockbite.

Henry reappeared next to the Comedian. Walter walked into the bathroom and rapped on the wall. 'Hey, guys, some of us are trying to work here, so would you please shut the fuck up? Thank you.' He then left the room.

'Cock your shotgun, Eddie!' Henry cried as he pulled out the handgun.

'Whoa, buddy, I'm not—' Eddie began, but Henry pistol-whipped him and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

Walter slowly edged himself back into the room. 'Wait a second, don't I know—shit.' He was subsequently shot in the arm, and screamed like a girl as he ran down the hallway. Henry leapt over Eddie and gave chase. They ran through the labyrinthine hallways as 'Take On Me' by Aha played. Walter came to a dead end, a room with a turnstile-like gate barring the way, and frantically searched for a way out, as Henry began to come up behind him and he pulled out a pipe wrench.

'Where the fuck did you get a pipe wrench?' Walter asked.

'I don't know,' Henry replied as he continued to walk forward in a stalking manner. Walter looked around him in despair.

'If you strike me down, I shall become more—owch! God damn man, that hurt! Ass hole!'

'I didn't even do anything . . .' Henry replied, confused. But Walter ran forward and shouldered him, knocking him aside and bolting down the hallway, screaming 'Later, bitch!'

'Rats!' Henry declared as he stomped the ground and snapped. 'Oh well, nothing left to do but—wait, what _was_ I doing?'

Author: I honestly can't even remember.

'I'll just go through these turnstiles, they seem like they aren't guarding anything.' He kicked them forcefully and, being rusted beyond belief, they cracked and fell to the ground. There was a ladder awaiting him shortly beyond.

Upon climbing down, he found himself in a lit room, large, with a fire in the middle.

'You know, I've been through two of these Parodies. I know when a battle is around the corner. So. Yeah. Show me the boss, and I shall kill him.'

Suddenly a huge lizard thing came toward him, with a huge schism in its face that functioned as a mouth. Text appeared across the floor, reading 'A challenger appears!'

'Meep,' Henry meep'd as he darted away from the lizard. 'Hey vag-mouth, come here and get—HOLY SHIT!' The creature's mouth spread insanely wide and moved to clamp him inside it, but Henry, agile as a monkey on LSD, used his insane ninja reflexes to flee.

'This would be a lot less scary if I had my revolver, or my axe, or . . .' He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Phial of Galadrial. He said some Elvish and it erupted in a beautiful blue light.

Author: Wait, wait, wait, you never got one of those.

'But—'

Author: Henry.

'Fine.' Henry stuck the pocket into his Phial—oh, oh, LOL! That's hilarious! LOLOL you can't put a pocket in something! Oh . . . oh man, that, that was rich! LOL!

Author: Actually that wasn't funny at all.

Henry shot his handgun in the air. 'How 'bout we resolve this battle before we start doing that thing where the parody itself is the joke?'

'FUCK THE PO-PO!' screamed the Comedian as he dove from an invisible ledge in the Great Plot Device in the Sky and landed in a tactical roll, firing his shotgun rapidly, shredding the monster into tiny bits.

'Oh, so I see, he's like the Worf to my Picard, but crazier and much more violent. Got it. Eddie!' Henry cried. 'High-five on rescuing me!'

'You pistol-whipped me, you son of a bitch!'

'. . . . there . . . was a, um . . . . . . fly on your head.'

'Oh. THANKS BUD!' Eddie clasped his arm around Henry and lit a cigar.

The siren sounded and the world got really blurry. Eddie laughed and fell to the ground, rolling around like a dog with his arms in the air and his feet kicking. Henry watched him do this as he fell to the ground too, trying to get close enough to kick him in the head. The entire world turned black, and they fell into a deep sleep.

_ To Be Continued . . . _

_EF: Sup._

_Richard: Sup internet._

_Amarant: Sup internet, baby._

_EF: That wasn't as funny as when we agreed on it._

_Amarant: Pardon me for not being enthusiastic._

_Richard: Sup internet, BABY!_

_EF: See, Richard's going the distance._

_Amarant: . . . he's going for speed._

_EF: She's all alone._

_Amarant: All alone in her time of need._

_EF: Because he's racing–_

_Amarant:–and pacing–_

_Richard: –and plotting a course._

_EF: He's fighting—_

_Amarant: —and biting—_

_Richard: —and riding on his horse._

_All: He's going the distance._

_Richard: Yeah. Great song._

_Amarant: Agreed._

_EF: Okay, anyway, let's get back on track. Fun time is over, work time has begun._

_Richard: Find your questions, and ask them to me._

_EF: We has an question from Darkcomet. And boy, is she a big one._

_Amarant: I don't know, is she?_

_EF: I don't know. I'd put her at moderately sized._

_Amarant: Like, "eats for comfort" or "eats when bored"?_

_EF: . . . . eats for comfort._

_Amarant: Okay, we can tackle this one._

_EF: The question reads as follows: "If you were to be shot out of a plane while holding two pistols, a shot gun, a rocket launcher, a knife, and a wash cloth 1.) How many people would you try to kill and 2.) What would you eat for lunch?"_

_Richard: First things last, I'd eat some delicious __**ng**__ for lunch, I'm telling you man you gotta get your hands dat shit, iss tite, fo sho mah brutha. As for how many people would I kill? Well, depends on how many people are on the plane. One rocket could send that plane out of commission, and then when I land I could just go on a rampage and let out my pent up anger._

_Amarant: What do you have to be angry about?_

_Richard: The fact that I'm dead and my penis doesn't function. Yeah, you still curious? Still think you know my pain?_

_Amarant: I didn't—_

_Richard: You still think you're tough shit?_

_Amarant: Richard—_

_Richard: You don't have a DAMN CLUE WHAT IT'S LIKE! SO SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR TEA!_

_Amarant:_

_EF:_

_Richard:_

_EF: What the hell just happened?_

_Amarant: Richard's PMS-ing._

_Richard: Oh yeah, it's PMS! Pssh. Typical man._

_EF: Richard are you—_

_Richard: I am in no mood for you guys!_

_EF: We didn't—_

_Richard: DON'T EVEN!_

**Richard Brainfart (Omnipwntent) has left the game.**

_EF: Well, I guess that we might as well close up shop . . ._

_Amarant: Good idea._

_EF: To the readers: Yes, this took an outrageous amount of time to post. I have actually had things that required my attention, and I'm quite apologetic. I'm not promising regular updates but I will promise that I will never give up on this story, not like that dick Rick Astley._

_Amarant: Wow._

_EF: What?_

_Amarant: You sound so lame._

_EF:_

_Amarant:_

_EF: Fuck you Amarant._

_Amarant: That's better._

_EF: Til next time, keep on keepin' on and bein' beautiful._


	6. Chapter 6: Trouble In a Pot

Chapter 6: Trouble In A Pot

'So Richard,' Tom said to the man as he tuned his guitar in Room 207. 'When's your first gig?'

'So dumbass,' Richard answered without looking up, 'we play in Silent Hill in about two hours.'

'Really? Already?'

'What, do you think we just got back together today? We've been planning this for three months. I swear, kids these days.'

Claire entered with her bass in a case slung over her shoulder. 'For fuck's sake Richard, do you always take so long to—oh yeah, you do.'

'Where's Amarant?' Richard asked as he finished tuning a string and moved onto another one.

'He's in the van, why?'

'You may not know this, but Amarant doesn't really like pressure.'

—_Flashback—_

_Zidane Tribal stood on the Hill of Despair after selecting those who would stand against Necron with him._

_Vivi moved to stand behind him, the Mace of Zeus in hand, eyes filled with resolve and voice full of confidence._

_Dagger walked to his side and nodded at him. She grasped her rod firmly and prepared for the final confrontation._

_Amarant sat up and looked around, confused as to what happened. He stood beside Vivi, trying to get a glimpse of what the others were looking at._

_Suddenly the party was lifted from the ground and carried to the level of the entity known as Necron, the giant blue angel with black wings. There they hovered, and tensed as the final battle was set to begin._

'_What the fuck is that!' Amarant screamed. 'W–Just what the—Who the fuck are you? What's going on!'_

'_I am Necron. Death given life.'_

'_Fuck this man, FUCK THIS! I came to kill Kuja, not this. Let me down. Just...let me the fuck down! NOW! I'm not fucking doing this, are you crazy! Why the hell did you even pick me you fucking retard! LET ME DOWN! LET! ME! DOOOOWN!'_

_Amarant was let down, and when he reached the bottom he walked over to Freya's body and sent his life-force into it. As she stood up and looked up at the others floating, he said to her 'Good luck with that fucking beast, you guys are gonna get raped.'_

—_End Flashback—_

'That's a story he doesn't really like to tell. I found out from Freya,' Richard concluded. 'Anyway, I'm worried that he's gonna choke. I think he as stage fright.'

Setzer walked in at that moment and grabbed his electronic organ from the corner and began to carry it out. 'I can't wait to get back on the stage again!' he exclaimed.

'Yeah, it's gonna be kickass,' Richard chuckled as he finally finished tuning the guitar and stood up. 'Well, what you pansy-asses waiting for? You comin' or not?'

Tom's eyes lit up from behind his helmet so no one could see it, but fortunately he also said 'You mean it!'

'Naaah, I'm fuckin' with ya.'

Tom hung his head and walked away despondently.

'Naaaah! I was fuckin' with ya! Go get everyone, you dumbass!'

Tom squealed with delight and ran up the stairs to get the gang.

'We should take off without them,' Setzer said with a laugh. Richard glared at him.

'Wow, that wouldn't be a dick move at all.'

'You just!—nevermind.'

— — — _Midwich Elementary Skewl — — — _

Henry came to in the boiler room. The light of day had filled the school, as well as the outdoor fog, and he was standing up when he realized that the Comedian was nowhere to be found. He hung for a moment before he jumped in the air and laughed hysterically.

'YES! YES! HE'S GONE! OH FUCK YEAH! HAHAHAHA! Now to find Cheryl.'

Suddenly, there came the rings of school-bells. I mean, church bells. Sleigh bells? No. Henry noticed a key on the ground that said 'K. Gordon'. He zipped it, locked it, and put it in his pocket.

'Who's ringing the bell?' he mused. 'Might wanna check that out.' He checked his map and marked the Balkan Church on it. 'Okay, let's do this!'

He ascended the stairs and made for the exit of the school, not bothering to check anything, since, after all, this is Silent Hill, it's not like things change in the span of five minutes. Stepping out of the school, he checked the map and plotted a course to the church.

'This won't be nearly as easy as it should be,' he sighed.

No sooner did he step onto the sidewalk then he heard a shout of 'There he is!' He looked around and promptly shat himself when he saw approximately thirty dog monsters and a dozen flyers staring at him angrily to his left.

'Umm,' he said as he pulled the pipe out. 'I'm assuming that whatever I did isn't something that we can talk about?'

One dog stepped forward. 'We saw Buddy and what you did to him! You cut his head off you sick bastard!'

Henry distantly remembered the decapitated dog. 'Oh no, you got the wrong idea, see, I didn't do that. I found—'

'Shut up! Get him!' The host charged.

'Son of a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!' Henry screamed at the top of his lungs as he turned and high-tailed it down the street.

— — — _Meanwhile — — —_

James and Rorschach were on the bus heading into Silent Hill when suddenly it stopped and began to back up to turn around.

'Hey driver, what the hell's going on!' Rorschach growled as he stood and walked to the front.

'That guy's telling me not to go to Silent Hill.' The driver pointed out the window to Ozymandias, who was holding a sign that said '**Don't go to Silent Hill or I'll kill you**'.

'Well that's rude!' James huffed as he opened the door and moved to exit. Rorschach grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him back.

'Trust me, you try and fight him and you'll get your ass handed to you. I got an idea.'

Rorschach broke the driver's neck and tossed him aside, getting in the seat and rocketing the bus forward, zooming past Ozymandias and off the highway, conveniently just to the left of where Henry had veered off the road. They hit the ground running and sped down the road, turning left and then right.

Ozymandias held his hands up. 'The fuck! I had the sign up! Just . . . wow, what dicks.' He then realized that he'd let someone into Silent Hill who was crazy enough to drive off a cliff. 'Was that Rorschach driving the—FUCK.' He whistled and lo! Bubastis, his weird cat-tiger-purple-minotaur thing leapt to his side. He climbed upon her and smacked her ass.

'What the hell was that for?' Bubastis asked, looking back at him.

'That was the sign to go.'

'Just say "go", you don't have to smack my ass.'

'Whatever, just get going!'

'I don't like your tone.'

'. . . please, Bubastis, will you chase the bus?'

'That's better.' Bubastis promptly sprang off the highway and darted after the bus.

Meanwhile Rorschach and James had stopped the bus and were consulting a map.

'What's a good place to find a Water Chip?' Rorschach said in a musing manner.

'There's this "Water Chip Emporium" on the other side of town.' James pointed to it on the map. It was near the amusement park.

'Then that's our first destination!' Rorschach decided as James got behind the wheel of the bus.

'You know, this town's kind of—' James began as the back of the bus was rocked by sudden impact. 'What was that? Status report?'

'. . . what?' Rorschach asked.

'Shields up! Load torpedoes and return fire!'

'James, we're on a bus.'

'Oh.' James thought a moment. 'Then get us the hell out of here!' James did not hesitate to start up and take off down the road. Bubastis was directly behind them, with Ozymandias holding a rocket launcher and drawing a bead on their rear.

'Hey, is that road . . .' James began as they came to a huge cliff in the road. Rorschach hit the brakes but it was too late.

Bubastis stepped on a rock and cried 'OUCH!', stumbling a bit just as Ozymandias fired his rocket. The rocket hit the ground just behind the bus, the explosion launching the vehicle into the air and over the cliff, doing multiple flips before landing upright on the other side.

'. . . yeah, it's gone,' James declared when the bus was still, Rorschach panting from the sudden excitement.

Bubastis was nursing her paw while Ozymandias loaded another rocket. 'By the pharaohs, Bubastis, what the hell are you doing? Jump the cliff!'

'My paw is killing me, and I do not like your tone, Adrian.'

'Bubastis, I'm not fucking kidding! Jump the cliff! _Now_!'

'. . . fine.' Bubastis backed up, focused, reared back, and sprinted at the cliff, leaping through the air just as she reached the edge. She soared through the sky and landed on the other side gracefully.

With her front legs.

Ozymandias, with his insane reflexes and super-intellect, saw the writing on the wall and promptly bailed, rolling forward onto the concrete as Bubastis kicked and scratched to get a foothold.

'You dick,' was all Bubastis said as lost her footing and plummeted to the bottom of the earth. Or, you know, wherever those pits lead.

'!' Ozymandias wailed as he gazed into the void of the pit, arm outstretched. 'Okay, mourning's done, got a job to do.' He hefted his rocket launcher and ran toward the bus, which was now cruising around.

'James, let me drive!' Rorschach growled. The blonde was behind the wheel, driving around randomly, honking the horn and giggling. He turned to go down the road leading to Midwich Elementary.

Ozymandias drew a bead and locked on. 'Say good night, mothafuckas!' he laughed as he pulled the trigger and loosed a rocket.

— — — _Across the chasm — — —_

'Shit shit shit shit shit shit!' Henry repeated as he sprinted down the street only to be greeted with a chasm. His mouth fell open and his brain stopped functioning. 'HrgnagngagahhughnNOOOOOO!'

The dogs that were chasing him stopped and laughed at him. 'Ha! You're fucked now, cowboy!'

Henry took a deep breath, loosened up, and turned to face his foes. 'I need some tunes,' he said loudly.

Author: Like?

'"Seven Nation Army". White Stripes.'

The aforementioned song began to play.

Henry raised his pipe in his typical fighting pose and cracked his neck. 'Come get some,' he challenged.

The dogs charged him.

He charged the dogs.

The first one to leap at him was greeted with a pipe to the face. He killed three more with powerful swings before one sunk its teeth into his leg. He cracked it in the skull just as another got his left arm. He pulled out his pistol and popped it in the face, then let loose a hail of bullets at every dog he could see. Six of them leapt at him at once and tackled him to the ground.

'Wait wait wait,' Henry said suddenly.

'Like hell we're gonna wait!' the leader cackled.

'No, no, you hear that?'

'Shut the fuck up! We're not falling for—'

'Seriously, do you guys hear that noise? It's like a car horn or something.'

'Yeah, right, a car! You're such—hey, I hear it.'

There came a powerful boom, and suddenly the air was filled with the sound of people screaming. A massive shape, almost like a bus, was falling directly toward them.

'_Holy shit_!' Henry screamed as he leapt up while the dogs were looking and ran to the side just as the bus crashed on top of his enemies, killing over half of them. The rest, as well as the demon birds, took off down the road.

'That is just uncanny how it happened twice in a row,' James mused as he opened the door to the bus. Rorschach immediately dove out, punched Henry in the face and began interrogating him.

'Where—' he began.

'FUCK YOU!' Henry yelled as he bit Rorschach's mask and began to tear it.

'My face! _My face_!' Rorschach screamed as he broke free from Henry and stroked his mask lovingly.

'You do not know the SHIT that I have been through today!' the brunette fumed as he stood up and brushed himself off.

'Henry!' James squealed as he leapt out of the bus, hitting his head on the doorway and falling to the concrete limply.

'James!' Henry ran over to him. 'Flying monkeys, am I glad to see—James? James?'

James was out cold.

'You're such a damn idiot,' Henry sighed as he picked the blonde up and carried him on his shoulder away from the bus.

— — — _Across the Street_ — — —

'Blast! I've only aided them in their schemes! I need to return to base and get more soldiers. And . . . find Bubastis. This isn't over yet, you faggots!' He cackled to himself.

— — — _Across the Street — — — _

'Who the hell is that?' Henry asked Rorschach.

'Adrian,' the vigilante answered. 'He's got it out for me and James, I guess.'

'You laugh like a bitch!' Henry called over to the other side of the street.

— — — _Across the Street — — — _

'At least I'm not gay!' Ozymandias called back.

— — — _Across the Street_ — — —

'Hey fuck you buddy, you wanna start somethin'!'

— — — _Across the Street — — — _

'What if I do?'

— — — _I can say 'Penis' and you won't even read it— — —_

'You better get ready, cuz you got a STORM comin' your way!'

— — — _This story is gay — — — _

'You can shove your storm up your ass, you bitch!'

— — — _I love throbbing members — — —_

'Oh yeah, you're—wait, what did announcer guy just say?'

**That's sick, man. Seriously. The hell's wrong with you?**

— — — _Ah bite me, I'm still more popular than all of you — — —_

'I'm outta here!' Ozymandias called over. 'Toodle-doo, biznatches!'

— — — _Henry and Rorschach — — — _

**Yeah, you do your job.**

— — — _Screw you. — — — _

'What are we going to do about James?' Henry mused. 'I guess we should wait 'til he comes to.'

'Yeah,' Rorschach replied.

And so they waited.

_To be continued . . ._

_Would leaving the gang be a 'dick move'? Is Bubastis still alive? Will James ever regain consciousness? The only way to find out is to read onward, in Chapter 7! Coming to a theater near you!_

_E.F: Now it's time for . . . ME!_

_Richard: And me!_

_Amarant: Me too._

_E.F: Avast, me mateys, to answer—_

_Richard: Just don't talk like that. It's seriously not cool._

_E.F: Richard . . . that's just . . . you're . . . meaaaan._

_Amarant: Just give us the damn question, this chapter's long enough._

_E.F: Phine. This question comes phrom Darkcomet: '_If you were to go on a quest to retrieve the super awesome holy relic of badassness and the only thing that got into your way upon claiming your reward was a giant evil army of Hannah Montana's with laser eyes, what you would do to defeat this threat?'

_Richard: Whatever this guy is putting in his coffee . . . I want some._

_Amarant: No sugar tonight in my coffee._

_Richard: No sugar tonight in my tea._

_E.F: No sugar to stand beside me._

_Setzer: No sugar to RUN WITH MEEEEEE! Na-na-nair, na-na-nair, na-na-nair, na-na-nair-nair._

_E.F: ..._

_Amarant: ..._

_Richard: ..._

_Setzer: ..._

_Richard: ...Setzer._

_Setzer: Yeah?_

_Richard: Get. The hell. Out._

_Setzer: ...fine. (Bastard)_

_Richard: Ahem. It appears that you read my memoirs, titled the 'Memoirs of Richard Brainfart'. Yeah, despite a huge army of evil Hannah Montanas, I still managed to get the Pube of Fulp to the Professor. Now to bypass them—_

_Amarant: Wait. Just wait. Hold the damn phone._

_E.F: Did you say the Pube of Fulp?_

_Richard: Yeah. Why?_

_Amarant: As in, a pubic hair from a man named Fulp?_

_Richard: Yeah, Thomas Fulp._

_E.F: ...creator of ? Really? Really Richard? You battled evil Hannah Montanas with laser vision to secure a single pubic hair belonging to Tom Fulp?_

_Richard: ...well it was a very valuable piece of hair. I mean shit . . . the awesomeness in one hair from the guy is enough to power a city for two months! Imagine the power in a pube!_

_Amarant: I couldn't help but notice that a professor asked you to get this, too._

_E.F: Yeah, was this Professor Oak?_

_Richard: Yeah...how'd you know?_

_E.F: ..._

_Amarant: ..._

_Richard: What?_

_E.F: ..._

_Amarant: ..._

_Setzer: ..._

_Richard: I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT!_

_Setzer: !_

_E.F: Nevermind, Richard, just . . . answer the question._

_Richard: Well, to bypass the Hannah Montanas, all I had to do was channel the awesomeness of Solid Snake. Once Solid Snake merged with me, I gained the ability to smite the evil abominations down with a combination of CQC and Shaq-Fu._

_E.F: I find THAT hard to believe._

_Amarant: Well, Richard, I think this was easily your finest hour._

_Richard: Really?_

_Amarant: No._

_Richard: I walked into that one. Damn._

_E.F: Well everyone, that wraps up this installment._

_Richard: I'm still confused as to the purpose of this chapter. Nothing even happened._

_Amarant: Why don't you consult the Wisdom Pube?_

_Richard: What's that supposed to mean?_

_Amarant: Nothing, run along and play with a Rubix Pube or somethin'._

_Richard: I don't like your tone . . ._

_E.F: Guys. You're the only ones I even like anymore. You're pushin' it though. Anyway, this is the part where the chapter ends. So everybody check this out._


	7. Chapter 7: Of Cougars and Comedians

Chapter 7: Of Cougars and Comedians

It was a very awkward ten minutes while Rorschach and Henry waited for James to come to, including but not limited to vast amounts of avoided eye contact and sighing. When at last the blonde did sit up and yawn like a little puppy, the other two stood and cried 'James!'

To which James promptly smacked his lips and fell down again, once more unconscious.

'I'm really starting to hate this guy,' Rorschach grumbled.

'I still haven't decided if I hate him or love him,' Henry said as he filled a glass of water and threw it on James's face. The blonde leapt to his feet in a ninja pose with his spade in hand, a wild look in his eyes.

'The muffins are to be unharmed, Count Betruger!' he screamed. 'I will fight you 'til the death if I must! See to it that Lady Aotheas finds her pendant, that I have hidden in the—oh, hey Henry, hey Porkchop.'

'Rorschach!' that guy yelled in frustration.

James giggled. 'Silly Smokestack!'

Henry sucker punched James in the face. James fell to the ground and got back up, shaking his head and wiping blood from his mouth. 'Ouchies,' he mumbled.

'Listen, James, did you or Ror—Rorse—Rorsa—did you and him see Cheryl on the way here?'

'Yeah!' James recalled suddenly.

'Really!' Henry cried in relief.

'No,' James said sadly.

'. . .'

'Just kidding!'

'Where'd you see her?'

'We didn't see her, I was—'

'James, I'm going to fucking kill you!' Henry screamed. 'Why the hell did you say you saw her if you didn't see her!'

'Who?'

'CHERYL!'

'Who's that?'

'Cher—ugh.' Henry pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. He put his head in his hands for a few seconds before coming up calmly.

'James.'

'Yeah?'

'Did you see Cheryl?'

'No.'

'See! Was that so hard? A simple "no" and we could have already been at the church!'

'Why are we going to the church?' Rorschach asked.

'Because the entire time we've been talking the church bell has been ringing.'

Rorschach listened and, indeed, the church bells were ringing.

— — — _At the church — — — _

Walter was standing in the spire of the church, ringing the bell by pulling his limp arm that was gripping the rope with his free hand, as his other arm's muscles had long ceased to function.

'How much longer do I have to do this?' he moaned.

'Until they get here!' an old woman snapped back. 'Now I told you if you be a good boy and ring the bell, I'll give you a little . . . something . . . in return.'

'Umm . . . like . . . brownies or something?'

'I was thinking something more . . . you know . . . suited to a man of your . . . attractive qualities.'

'I don't get it.'

'I'm gonna have sex with you, you dimwit!'

'. . .'

— — — _Just outside — — —_

'Hey, the bell stopped ringing,' Henry observed as they closed in on the front doors of the church. Just as they did, a large flying monster swooped down and picked up Rorschach's hat. Henry pulled out his pistol.

Rorschach screamed in agony and pulled out his grappling gun, shooting the monster and pulling it closer to him. Before it was completely out of the air he leapt on it and took it to the ground, his knee planted firmly in its back. When it came down, his knee snapped its spine as his hands wrapped around its wings and tore them off. He then elbowed its head, smashing straight through its entire skull and causing bone shards and brain matter to fly everywhere. Afterward he stood and put on his hat.

Another flyer approached, which Henry just shot twice and it died.

'My way is more practical,' he stated as he holstered the gun and turned to the church doors.

— — — _Inside the church_ — — —

'I still know all the moves I did in my youth, you little shithead!' Dahlia yelled at Walter.

'Yeah, but you're . . . old . . .' the man replied.

'I am not _old_! I'm only fifty-seven!'

'. . . yeah, you're—'

Suddenly there came a vicious roar of anguish from outside. Walter was so startled that he stumbled and fell down the ladder-hole, plummeting to the ground quite forcefully.

'Ohhhh!' he moaned as he tried to pick himself up. 'Ohhhh! Oh the pain! Ohhhh! I think I broke—ahhh eeeesh! Ahhhh!'

'Shut the hell up!' Dahlia hissed.

'Get a med–ohhhh! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding profusely! Oh my arm is snapped! My skull is cracked!'

Dahlia raced over to the young man and pinched the back of his neck. He fell swiftly into a deep sleep. She then closed the door and raced back to the altar. She pulled off her robes and stuck a rose in her mouth.

'Wait, this wasn't the plan.' She put her robes back on waited patiently for Henry to walk in.

There came a gunshot from outside, followed by muffled voices.

'Show 'em you still can go down on the best of them,' she said with a smirk.

'You mean "throw down with"!' Walter corrected as he started to moan again.

'No I didn't.'

Walter passed out from the horror.

— — — _Literally about twenty feet away_ — — —

Henry opened the doors to the church and his crew shuffled in like they were all that. Immediately the first thing that they noticed first off right off the bat quickly was Dahlia standing at the altar, facing away from them.

Rorschach charged forth, ready to get his interrogation on. Henry flew forward and grabbed him by his jacket and tugged him back, though he fought tooth and nail to break free.

'Dude, dude! DUDE!' Henry shouted as he struggled. 'Just—just let me handle this! Let me handle this! Let me handle this!'

Rorschach slowly stopped struggling, reduced to simple panting and slumping on the floor. James knelt next to him and patted him on the back.

'So, you've finally come here,' Dahlia said maniacally. 'Your arrival was foretold with gyromancy.'

'Say what?' Henry said in confusion.

'I knew you'd come,' she said. 'You seek the girl, right?'

Henry perked up. 'Cheryl! You're talking about Cheryl?'

'Stop!' Dahlia cried when he started to walk forward. 'Stay back! Nothing is to be gained from flaundering about at random!'

'I'm not flaundering about at random! You're the one who's batshit! Tell me where the hell my daughter is! Or, you know, my half-daughter is! My girl . . . just tell me where Cheryl is.'

'You must seek the path of the Hermit, concealed by Flauros! Here, these will help you! Now make haste to the hospital!' She then grabbed a bottle of rum and took a huge swig, then staggered out of the room.

'Well I don't feel confused at all,' Henry said sarcastically as he moseyed up to the altar and took the drawbridge key and the Flauros. 'The flying shitfucks is this? It's like a rubic's cube—'

Amarant: Pube.

Richard: Oh shut the hell up!

'—only it's more triangular and not pretty.'

'She said the hospital, didn't she!' Rorschach said as he stood and cracked his knuckles. 'Let's get the hell moving.'

'Autobots roll out!' James yelled as he ran out of the church alone. Henry and Rorschach both looked at the doorway and sighed. James came back a minute later being chased by a flying monster, screaming shrilly like a girl as he ran.

'You got this,' Henry told Rorschach as he casually walked out of the church and checked his map. Rorschach pulled out his grappling gun.

— — — _Meanwhile somewhere dark — — — _

Eddie 'The Comedian' Blake woke tied to a chair, with a piece of tape over his mouth. He chuckled to himself, thinking that he was about to get some action, when a man in a suit came up to him. He promptly began struggling and screaming like crazy.

'I'm not going to rape you, you sick fuck,' Kaufmann sighed as he ripped the tape off Eddie's mouth. 'I'm going to torture you.'

'Ohhhh,' the Comedian said with a smile. 'Phew, I—I was worried there for a minute, you know.'

'Oh I'd never even think of doing that,' Kaufmann asserted.

'I bet, I don't, uh, I don't doubt that, but I mean, I'm the one tied to the chair, doesn't hurt to be cautious.'

'Well I understand why you'd be suspicious, I mean it's not the most pleasant way to wake up!'

Both laughed heartily.

'Or is it!' Eddie said.

They both laughed even harder.

'Aaah,' Kaufmann sighed. 'But seriously, I'm gonna torture you to within an inch of your life.'

'Bring it the hell on, bitch,' Eddie said with a straight face.

Kauffman threw a switch and Eddie was suddenly filled with electricity galore.

— — — _The Drawbridge_ — — —

'The hell is this?' Henry asked as he found a note taped to a table in the little room. '_Congratulations! You just found the Infinity Shell! This is a shell that will never, ever, ever_—I don't even have the shotgun! Fuck me!'

'What happened to it?' Rorschach asked, annoyed.

'Eddie found it and now he's somewhere I don't even know.'

'Eddie? Eddie who?'

James perked up. 'WHAT ABOUT EDDIE!'

'This guy who called himself "The Comedian"—'

'EDDIE BLAKE!' Rorschach roared as he grabbed Henry by his shirt collar and threw him against the wall.

'. . . Rorschach, seriously, you gotta stop doing this,' Henry said quietly.

'I know, I know,' Rorschach sighed as he continued to hold Henry against the wall. 'But what about Eddie Blake?'

'. . .'

'Oh, sorry.' He put Henry down.

'Ahem. I found Eddie in the courtyard of the school. He was a crazy one.'

'Did he say anything about me?'

Henry raised his eyebrow. '. . . no. No he did not.'

'Good. He doesn't know.'

James and Henry looked at each other as Rorschach stood there and looked into space.

'Well,' James said as he picked up the health and ammo.

'So,' Henry said in a similar tone as he let the drawbridge down.

— — — _The church_ — — —

'Hey, I know we got some plot action going on, and I realize that it's funny that I fell down the ladder and haha, he's moaning, but seriously, can someone fucking HELP ME!' . . . oh, this is Walter speaking right there.

There came no response.

'It's . . . it's very painful . . . I don't think I can . . . OWWW! OWW OH GOD! THE PAIN!'

There came no response.

'I thought I was at least decently liked . . . at least enough to warrant a Cura spell, or even a Health Drink.

Author: Just use your Doctor skill.

Walter checked his Doctor stat, which was 20. Sighing, he began to use it to heal his crippled limbs. After many failed attempts, he uncrippled one of his arms.

'How did I uncripple my arm if both my arms are crippled? Did I use psychic powers? No, not important, most focus on healing!' He began to try and heal his right arm.

Author: You're gonna be here for a while, bud.

_To be continued . . ._

_Is Dahlia too old to be hot? Does the Comedian know? Will Walter be here for a while? -Insert generic comment right here-, on Chapter 8!_

_E.F.: And now it's time for Quality Time with Richard Brainfart._

_Richard: Holy shit man, you updated in one damn day!_

_E.F.: Well I fixed my PS2, so I can play Silent Hill now, and I figured if I didn't do it now, it wouldn't get done. Plus, I had inspiration._

_Amarant: Bullshit._

_E.F.: Yeah you're right._

_Richard: Who the fuck cares why he updated, just ask me my question so I can get drunk._

_E.F.: This question comes from Darkcomet: _"Have you ever sat down and had coffee with Godot the Prosecutor from Phoenix Wright? If so how did you make it out alive?"

_Richard: Godot . . . Godot . . . hmm . . . mmm . . ._

_Amarant: It's okay if you haven—_

_Richard: GODOT! I remember him! Man! He was a good guy! Such a sly fox! I remember that he recommended me to try a certain type of coffee, the name of which escapes me._

_Amarant: How'd you get out alive, then?_

_Richard: Well he called me Bitchard. Needless to say, it was not I who died in that coffeeshop._

_Amarant: I . . . see._

_Richard: Do you, Amarant? Do you?_

_Amarant: Yes._

_Richard: Oh, then there you go._

_E.F.: Well then. This has been a shorter Quality Time than I was expecting. I don't know if that's good or bad._

_Richard: I'd say it's moderately good._

_E.F.: Well this is seven-and-a-half pages so it's nothin' to shake a stick at._

_Amarant: Sometimes I wonder if you just do this to make chapter's longer._

_E.F.: Ha! Anyway, one last quick thing to say. The results are in for that poll that I posted quite a long time ago and forgot about! The results are on mah main page, but for those of you who just wanna go to Texts from Last Night after reading this, the winner of the prestigious "Favorite Character in the Nameless Parody" award, as of number 4, is:_

_Richard: Me?_

_Amarant: Probably._

_E.F.: Nope._

_Richard and Amarant: What the fuck?_

_E.F.: It's actually Henry._

_Richard and Amarant: WHAT THE FUCK!_

_Henry: What the fuck!_

_E.F.: Congratulations, Henry, you're the favorite character in TNP series. Though I'm sure that may change later on. This poll is subject to being remade around TNP5._

_Henry: You're going to actually make another one after this?_

_E.F.: C'est possible._

_Henry: Don't speak your damn voodoo French to me, compadre!_

_E.F.: It's always a possibility, Henry. Anyway . . . take it away, Announcer Guy 2!_

**Due to the concluding of the first poll, a NEW POLL has been created. Which of the Parodies do you feel was the best? Since opinions on TNP4 are subject to change, it's between the first three. So what are you waiting about for? Vote, bitches.**

_E.F.: And that concludes this chapter._

_Amarant: Still can't believe you updated in one day._

_E.F.: Shut up, damn. No one even voted for you._

_Amarant: And they voted for you?_

_E.F.: Actually I was voted for. Which is funny because I voted for Richard._

_Amarant: I feel betrayed._

_E.F.: I would too._


	8. Chapter 8: Concrete Jungle Love

Chapter 8: Concrete Jungle Love

Henry took in a breath of fresh, Silent Hill air as he strolled down the now-lowered drawbridge with Rorschach and Jimmy-James. Rorschach was writing in his diary and narrating that which he wrote very loudly.

'Diary of Rorschach, July 5th, 2010 — wait, that doesn't add up. Last entry is November 3rd. Hmm. Must have walked through a temporal anomaly.' He paused for a moment.

'Diary of Rorschach, Date Not Important. Currently wandering Silent Hill with two idiots: Henry Townshend, and James Sunderland.'

'Hey!' Henry called back, offended.

'They insist on finding Henry's "adopted" (kidnapped?) daughter, Cheryl. Am not convinced Henry is legal guardian. Am only accompanying them to find Eddie Blake. Also, feces ingested shortly before last entry has caused irritation in my stomach. Any enemy seeking to follow me will have no problem smelling his way. A hard-earned but valuable lesson for future use.'

'. . . eww,' Henry muttered as he moved to the right of Rorschach by a quite large distance.

'So what are we doing?' James asked.

'Finding Cheryl. Dahlia said we should go to the hospital. I have nothing else better to do, so—'. It was then that a gigantic ape monster barreled into Henry and began to hump his brains out.

'Hupda wuddafuck!' the brunette cried in surprise as he was sent to the ground and defiled. 'Someone, shoot him!'

James and Rorschach looked at each other and shrugged.

Rorschach looked out into the fog and saw something. He pulled out his grappling hook and took off after it. James looked at Henry, then Rorschach, then Henry, then Rorschach, then Henry. Then he ran after Rorschach screaming 'Wait for meeeee!'

'You cowards!' Henry screamed. 'You bastards! You traitorous—oww! Shit man, not so rough, I'm trying to yell here!'

'Shut up, bitch!' the ape hissed as it smacked him in the face, backhand style. Oh yeah, shit was going _down_.

'. . . okay . . . that's it.' Henry grabbed the ape by his throat and began to choke him. The ape choked him right back, and there they sat, choking each other like two guys choking one another. Slowly both of their grips weakened and they started coughing, then they passed out on the spot.

Author: Yeah, we should go to someone else.

— — — _The Soviet Reunion Tour Van or Bus or Something_ — — —

'Can't believe Richard volunteered to drive,' Tom said as he sat around a table with Maria, Claire, and Setzer. They were in the middle of a game that Setzer liked to call 'Strip War', because no one else knew what the hell poker was.

'Richard likes to get some sleep before a gig,' Claire 'clairified' (OMFG THAT IS HILARIOUS). Loud snoring could be heard from the front of the bus.

'Does that not pose danger to this shuttle's occupants!' Frog cried. Claire shrugged.

'Nah,' Setzer assured. 'He just dreams that he's driving.'

'. . .'

'Don't ask how it works, man, just roll with it. Okay, now, Setzer's ready to see some BABES!' They whipped out their cards and laid them down.

Tom had a four of hearts. Maria had a four of clubs. Setzer had a four of spades. Claire had a four of diamonds.

'Setzer, did you shuffle the damn deck?' Claire asked, annoyed.

Setzer collected the cards and shuffled the deck hastily. 'Yes.'

Claire rolled her eyes and after they had their decks, they all laid down a card. Tom had the lowest number.

'Alright!' Maria whooped as Tom undid his robes. Setzer quickly grabbed the cards and put them into a deck.

'I should really shuffle these a tad better before we really start,' he explained.

'Aww,' Tom said as he did his robes up once more.

'Cheater,' Claire mumbled.

'Like you wanted to see that thing,' Setzer replied in a similar mumble.

'You do . . . trust me,' Maria whispered.

'I can hear everything you say,' Tom whispered.

'Shut the fuck up, all of you,' Amarant said loudly from the back of the bus, where he was preparing to drum the entirety of '2112'uninterrupted. Needless to say.

Author: . . . what?

I don't have to say it so I won't, dumbass. It needs not be said.

Author: Whatever.

'Hey Rich—' Setzer began.

'An hour,' Richard said loudly and continued snoring.

'You're such a—'

'That's the name, don't wear it out.'

'I—'

'—like men.'

'Ha! No! No!' Setzer yelled in glee. 'You're wrong, Brainfart! WRONG! Nyaaaa!' He put a cigar in his mouth and sat down once more to begin actually playing 'Strip War'.

Tom frowned. 'Guess I was wrong.'

'Don't be too sure,' Claire sighed as she prepared to draw her card.

— — — _Back in Silent Hill — — _—

Henry woke up from his nap with a raging headache. The monkey woke up at the same time.

'You ass!' it yelled.

'You dick!' Henry bellowed. They grasped each other's throats and a chokefest occurred. Once more, both combatants grew sleepy, and fell to the ground in an asphyxiation-induced sleep.

Author: Seriousy? Dumbasses.

— — — _The Church_ — — —

Walter had finally restored both arms and legs, as well as his eyes and brain.

'Ahaha!' he laughed, though I'm sure you could tell by the whole 'Ahaha' thing. 'I am once more uncrippled! Now I shall—wait, what was I even doing?'

Suddenly a catchy pop song played, and Walter pulled out his cell phone. It was Kaufmann.

'Hello you've reached Walter Sullivan!' he declared happily. He then sharply recoiled as he was mentally bitchslapped. 'Oww! The hell was that for!'

'You didn't get my goddamn text, did you?' Kaufmann yelled through the phone. 'Did I, or did I not, tell you to get to Alchemilla so we can ambush Townshend!'

'Umm . . .' Walter thought for a second. 'You didn't?'

A slapping sound resounded through the streets.

'What, oh what, have you been doing this whole time!' the doctor raged.

'I've been lying crippled on the floor of the church because I fell from the top of the bell-tower.'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . . hello?'

'. . . Walter.'

'Yeah?'

'I'm _this_ close to firing you.'

'You can't fire me! Then how will I pay my bills?'

'If you want to keep your job, you will do this, and you will do this exactly as you are instructed, do I make . . . myself . . . _clear_?'

'Could you repeat that, please, I had to—' Walter was slapped so hard he shot across the room and into the wall, breaking a portion with his skull and sliding to the ground. He weakly lifted the phone to his ear. '—on second thought, I think I got the gist of it.'

'You'd better have.'

'Oh I do.'

'Good, you better!'

'. . . I do.'

'You'd better!'

'_I just fucking said that I do, so tell me the goddamn mission you thick fuck!_' Walter screamed.

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . . I'm sorry.'

'No, it was me, I was out of line.'

'No, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that Kaufmann, it's just . . . it's been a long day.'

'I realize that, Walter, I really do, and I shouldn't have pushed you to that level of anger, and it was my fault.'

'. . . we cool?'

'Yeah, we cool.'

'Okay.'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'Anyway, I need you to do this for me:'

— — — _Suspense! — — — _

Henry once more awoke on the street. His head was swimming with bad feelings and his throat was sore. He stood and scratched his head, noticing the gorilla monster on the ground. Before a chokefest could resume, Henry turned and darted down the street, making fast for Alchemilla Hospital.

'You know, I feel bad about leaving James and Rorschach,' he mused. 'Actually, no . . . no I don't.'

— — — _Inside Alchemilla — — — _

Dahlia was completely naked and Kaufmann was trying very, very hard not to look.

'Come on, Mike,' she said in a seductive manner. 'I know you want it.'

'Y-You know, Dahlia,' Kaufmann said as he cleaned his gun (his pistol, not . . . that . . . gun) very intently. 'I think it'd be best if you went and checked up on Garland or Ozymandias or something, you know, to keep yourself busy.'

'Oh come on,' she moaned. 'You know you need a little bit of Dahlia in your system . . .'

Kaufmann took a deep breath. 'Yeah, no, I . . . no, I'm good, I'm very, very good. Hey, why don't you go check up on the Comedian? I'm sure he's . . . horny.'

'Sure thing, darling,' she said as she walked over to him and bent beside his face. 'I'll be right . . . back.' She licked his face in a very slow and kind of disgusting way.

Kaufmann accidentally fired his pistol as he jumped from discomfort and surprise. 'Okay okay okay okay, j-j-j-just go, okay! GO!' Dahlia walked out the door and blew him a kiss.

Just then a bird demon flew in and landed on the ground in front of the good doctor. 'Sir!' it said in a very serious manner. 'I just spied Henry Townshend on his way here, alone.'

'Really?' the doctor said. 'Good work!'

A moment passed between the two before the bird demon spoke again.

'Sir.'

'Yeah?'

'I couldn't help but notice . . .'

'What?'

'That Dahlia just left this room.'

'Yeah, so?'

'You going camping soon?'

'Why do you ask?'

The demon shifted. 'Well, unless you're going camping, I don't see why you'd need that tent you got there in your—'

'_SHUT UP!_' Kaufmann screamed as he shot the bird in the face with every bullet in the gun. He then grabbed his briefcase and put it in front of his . . . you-know-what.

**What?**

His dick.

**Oh.**

Author: Innuendo is not your strong point, I see, Announcer Guy 2.

**Shut up, I'm very young.**

— — — _Henreh Townshehnd — — — _

Townshend heard gunshots as he approached the hospital. Dropping into a tactical roll, he pulled out his pistol and lay there, waiting for the Comedian to scream 'WHOOOO!' When no 'WHOOO!' came, he slowly entered the hospital via the front door, a concept which revolutionized how people entered buildings forever.

As soon as he entered, he heard a cacophony of shots. Now officially paranoid, he grabbed his pistol and charged forward, head-first. He came to the examination room door and rammed through it with his head.

Except he didn't go through it.

Hitting the hard surface of the door, Henry fell to the ground with a massive pain on the top of his head. He started to cry, but realized there was a guy in the next room with a gun. Fighting through the pain, he reached up and opened the door.

Inside was a doctor holding a briefcase in a conspicuous manner in front of his privates, trying to load his pistol by keeping the gun in his hand while holding the case with his elbow and loading the ammo with the other hand. Needless to say this was not effective. He dropped the bullets and then the gun.

'Aaaah BALLS!' he yelled as Henry shuffled into the room slowly.

'Dude, what are you doing?' Henry asked in a very slurred manner.

'What does it look like I'm doing? I'm killing bird demons because I am in no way behind this incident at all!'

'Oh.' Henry rubbed his eyes. 'Cool. I thought you were someone else.'

'Why the hell did you try to ram the door open?'

Henry shrugged.

'Well, anyway, I'm Michael Kaufmann. I'm a doctor in this hospital.'

'Cool story, bro.' Henry smiled broadly.

'. . . are you okay?'

'Hey man, I'm fine.'

'You hit your head pretty hard . . . you sure you don't have a concussion or anything?'

'The fuck do you think you are, a doctor?' Henry said, trying to be aggressive, but he sounded pretty drugged.

'I just said I was.'

Henry blinked. 'Oh.'

Kaufmann put his briefcase down and got his gun and the bullets. 'Well, since you're so delirious, I might as well kill—huh?' 'Be Stiff' by Devo suddenly resounded through the room. Kaufmann pulled out his cell and answered it.

'Kaufmann, we have a problem,' Ozymandias' voice said. 'Apparently most of our soldiers are going AWOL.'

'What? Why?' Kaufmann asked.

'Dude, you have a boner,' Henry said in a half-amazed, half exhausted way.

'Some band is on their way here, the "Soviet Reunion" or something,' Ozymandias said.

'Well then shut the concert down! Do whatever it takes!' Kaufmann growled. 'We need men! Lots of men! Strong, hard men!'

'It's so small,' Henry chuckled drowsily.

Kaufmann hung up and turned to Henry. Just as he did, 'Don't Stand So Close To Me' by the Police played. He sighed and answered his phone again.

'Darling, I need your help.' It was Dahlia, of course.

'What.'

'It is Garland, darling, he's rather . . .'

'Rather what?'

'Well . . .'

'SPIT IT OUT!' the doctor screamed.

'You have a small weiner,' Henry continued to chuckle.

Just then, Dahlia seemed to hang up. Growling ferociously, Kaufmann grabbed his suitcase and jabbed Henry with his finger. 'I don't have time to kill you but next time I see you I will!' He left the room in a hurry.

Henry stood there for five minutes, trying to form thoughts. He took one step forward and fell on his face.

— — — _Somewhere, Minutes Ago_ — — —

'Where is Henry's girl!' Rorschach yelled in Garland's face as he broke one of his thumbs. Garland howled in pain and slammed his fist to the ground repeatedly.

'YES!' he screamed. 'YES! YES! OH YES!'

'Say "yes" to this, cupcake!" Rorschach growled as he socked Garland in the nuts. Once more the old man screamed at the top of his lungs.

'MORE! OH GOD, MORE!'

'What the hell is this guy's problem!' Rorschach asked James in frustration. James thought for a moment.

'I know someone like this . . .' Try as he may he just could not for the life of him remember who he knew that was a masochist. Despite spending a huge amount of the first parody with them, constantly drooling over their body, and even fighting them in a Lord of the Rings-esque segment in the second installment of the series.

'Oh, Richard!' he cried suddenly. 'This guy's a mass-of-Kist. I don't know what that means, but I think it means torturing him won't work!'

'Then what the hell do we do!'

James sat down in front of Garland. 'Hey. If I drop-kick you in the nuts again, will you tell us where Cheryl is?'

Garland thought. 'Yes.'

James drop-kicked Garland in the balls.

'I DON'T KNOWWWW! SHE'S PLAAANTING SOMETHING AROUND TOWN TO STOOOOP . . . WALLACE'S RESURRECTION!'

'What else do you know!' Rorschach growled.

'I know where Eddie Blake is being held . . .'

Rorschach broke his other thumb.

'HOSPITAAAAAAL!' Garland moaned as he fidgeted from the pain.

'You are a sick bastard.' Rorschach and James stood up and left.

Five minutes later Dahlia entered. 'Garland, what did Kaufmann tell—holy shit, what happened?'

'Some AWESOME dudes came in here and let me have it!' Garland gushed. 'I told them EVERYTHING I know! Awesome, right!'

Dahlia whipped out her cell-phone.

— — — _The Hospital_ — — —

Henry was staring at the ceiling in a trance when the door to the back hallway was kicked open forcefully, so forcefully, in fact, that it hit the wall and bounced shut again. 'God dammit,' Rorschach cursed as he opened the door gently. 'James it's—'

Suddenly a figure clad in green burst through the wall of the hospital examination room and tactical-rolled into a shelf, knocking all the equipment off and causing the shelf to fall on him.

Henry turned and looked at them. 'Hey,' he said.

'Townshend! What the hell are you doing laying around here?' Rorschach asked as he lifted the shelf off of James.

'Chillin',' Henry answered cooly.

'You've got a gigantic fuckin' welt on your head. Someone attack you? Who was it? WHERE IS HE?'

'Naaah, it's good, I'm good, we're all . . . good over here.' Henry gave a thumbs-up and returned to his ceiling-stare.

'I'm not a doctor but it looks like you've got a concussion or something,' Rorschach declared. 'Come on, we gotta get you some ice or something.'

'Naah, I'm fine. Let's just, do what we do.'

Rorschach pulled Henry to his feet and slapped him. 'Hey,' Henry began to protest.

James suddenly ran into the room (apparently he'd left—I'm such a good narrator). 'Guys! We gotta get the elevator back online!'

Rorschach shrugged. 'Why?'

'Because!'

'Oh.' The vigilante gave Henry to James, who carried the stumbling man with his arm around his shoulder. Rorschach looked at the basement door. 'I'll be right back.' He descended into the dark recesses of the hospital.

He was immediately met with a gigantic cockroach sailing through the air to bite him. It was killed with a roundhouse punch that caused it to explode into many tiny bits. Finding the generator room, he was met with a swarm of giant roaches. Striking a battle pose, he flew into a flurry of punches and kicks, killing every single roach in a very brutal manner. Brushing himself off, he flicked the generator on and headed back upstairs without a care.

'Job's—' he began, when he noticed that James had left Henry in the room alone. He was picking his nose very thoughtfully. 'JAMES!'

James darted back into the room, stuffing a bottle of red liquid in his pants as he skidded before Rorschach. 'JOE JACK!'

'It's . . . Rorschach,' that guy said with a sigh. 'Let's find Eddie Blake, find Cheryl, find a Water Chip, and get the fuck out of this town.'

'Roger!' James saluted as he grabbed Henry. The threesome entered the elevator and pressed the button to the second floor. They found the door locked. The third floor also yielded a locked door. Rorschach could not bring himself to kick these doors down — they were magically sealed.

'Well doesn't that just piss you off,' the vigilante mused as he thought.

James hit a fourth floor button that had magically appeared. 'Wheee!' he yelled.

'Shut those fucking turtles up!' Henry moaned as he rested in the corner of the elevator.

'I really hope he gets better soon,' Rorschach sighed.

_To be continued . . ._

_Can Walter complete the job for Kaufmann? Is Kaufmann going camping? Will Henry ever get better? Tune in next time for Chapter 9, Super Awesome Dream Hospital! Those are ALWAYS a great time!_

_E.F.: Well that's bull._

_Richard: Zzzzzz..._

_Amarant: Well then._

_Richard: Zzzzzzz..._

_E.F.: Oh yeah, Richard's still asleep._

_Amarant: Should we do it without him?_

_E.F.: I don't know._

_Setzer: I can take over for him._

_Richard: Zzzz no, get the hell out zzzzz..._

_E.F.: Setzer, how about you drive the van while Richard answers questions._

_Setzer: But I don't want to!_

_E.F.: Notice the question mark is absent from the previous sentence._

_Setzer: Dick._

_Claire: Just fucking drive, Setzer._

_Amarant: Who's waking Richard up?_

_Claire: RIIIICHAAARD!_

_Richard: Zzzzz...(snort)...Hmm? What?_

_E.F.: Quality Time._

_Richard: Fuck. I was having the greatest dream ever. I was driving the— oh._

_E.F.: Okay, first question is from Darkcomet: "_Why is Amarant so much cooler than you when it comes to fighting?_"_

_Amarant: Well, whereas Richard is a badass ghost with a crowbar, I am a gigantic samurai-ninja monk with a PhD in not giving a fuck and I can heal my MP._

_E.F.: Plus you, Zidane, Steiner, and Freya killed Ozma._

_Amarant: That we fucking did. He cried like a bitch the whole way._

_Richard: Who the fuck says I can't kick ass? I could easily take everyone in the story at once!_

_Amarant: Except me._

_Richard: . . . except you._

_Claire: Wow Richard, how you have fallen._

_Richard: I have not! I can't be awesome and a minor character at the same damn time!_

_Amarant: Well, I manage that._

_E.F.: Occasionally._

_Amarant: Go to hell._

_E.F.: Already there, bud._

_Amarant: Next question._

_E.F.: Okay, the next . . . hmm. Well._

_Richard: What? Is it that one guy?_

_E.F.: Who?_

_Richard: That guy who says stuff._

_Amarant: Oh, him._

_E.F.: No, this is from Randall-Flagg 89. And the question est pour moi._

_Richard: Say whaaa?_

_Amarant: I didn't think anyone liked you._

_E.F.: I ranked higher than you!_

_Amarant: Oh yeah._

_E.F.: Well the question reads as follows: "_So Author, who is your least favorite character? Now no one says they play favorites, but come on, who doesn't at least a most hated? Who is your least favorite TNP4 character and why. P.S. seems a lot of characters have been phased out._"_

_Amarant: I'm pullin' for Eileen here._

_Richard: My money's on Tom._

_E.F.: Actually, I like Eileen because she's hot, and she's dumber than a box of rocks. I also like Tom more than most because let's face it: sex-starved demon pedophiles are hilarious._

_Amarant: I'm inclined to agree._

_Richard: True._

_E.F.: Now remember that I love you all. You are all very dear to me and I think of you as my children._

_Richard: Pssh._

_E.F.: However, if I had a least-favorite out of all of you . . . not including the Soviet Reunion, I'd say my least favorite is Angela_

_Amarant: Oh for fuck's sake she hasn't been in the story in forever!_

_E.F.: Okay, out of the gang, my least favorite is Auron._

_Amarant: I don't think he counts as the gang._

_E.F.: Did he at any point travel with James or Henry?_

_Amarant: Yeah._

_E.F.: Does he live in Room 302?_

_Amarant: . . . yes._

_Richard: Yeah he's in the gang. And me and Auron go way back, you prick!_

_Auron: (hic) Yeah!_

_Richard: Why Auron, man?_

_E.F.: He's dead weight really. I mean how many chapters has it been since he's been mentioned? He's still in Room 302 right now!_

_Amarant: Wow, did anybody realize that he's there, alone?_

_Richard: . . ._

_Auron: (hic) I didn't even (hic) notice and I'm Auron!_

_E.F.: See, Auron? You're the general least-favorite character. You're Bizarro Henry._

_Richard: Too bad he has a concussion right now._

_Amarant: I like him better when he's practically retarded than when he's a cynical, sarcastic bastard._

_Richard: We agree in that way, Amarant._

_Author: So, in conclusion, I like Auron the least. And that concludes this chapter of TNP4, a whopping THIRTEEN DAMN PAGES! HOLY PFARGTL! Coming up next is the Super Awesome Dream Hospital! You probably want to miss this, but you might not, so DON'T miss this! Otherwise James will cry! So til next time, I'm EternalFlare._

_Richard: I'm Amarant._

_Amarant: And I'm Richard Brainfart._

_E.F.: Take it easy._


	9. Chapter 9: SADHAGGDE40

Chapter 9: Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-Go Deluxe Edition 4.0

Setzer was sitting at his keyboard organ, playing the solo from the Doors song 'The Wasp (Texas Radio and the Big Beat)'. His right hand was nailing the more audible notes, while his left provided the bass pumps. His timing was near flawless.

'Damn he's good,' Tom admitted. 'I thought Maria was the only one with hands those coordinated.

'Pssh,' Crono 'pssh'd'. 'Sure he can play that song. I'd like to see him even attempt 'Light My Fire'.

Claire smacked Crono. 'Don't even get him started on that song.'

'Why?'

—_Flashback— _

_The Soviet Reunion was on a stage, in front of a thousand adoring fans. They were playing a cover of 'Light My Fire', and it was their second-to-last song of the night._

_For this particular song, Richard, not having any intense guitar moments during the vocals, took up singing duties. Claire, since all the bass notes would be played on Setzer's organ, had nothing to do, so she was off-stage getting high or something. Revolver Ocelot was keeping the rhythm like drums were supposed to. Setzer was doing the bass notes while providing occasional high notes to compliment Richard's watery guitar lick as he sang._

'Try to set the night on . . . fiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaaaa, yeeeeeaaaaaheeeeeaaah!_' Richard cried as the drums kicked up and Setzer's organ solo began. Rather than follow the recording, Setzer chose to just improvise anything that came to his right hand's mind. Unfortunately, his right hand was a bit of a showstealer._

_To start off he began to just shower the air with a hypnotic flourish that lasted twenty seconds, before playing an mindblowingly complex set of chords that many still think were played by a third pair of hands that was out of sight in the dark recesses of the stage. Originally, at the end of the solo, his signal would be to play each note in sequence from the highest note to the bottom, then a small flourish. From here, Richard would take up the rest._

_However, Setzer did not give the signal. He continued to play until his hand started to go numb. Ocelot was finding it very hard to continue to play the same notes over and over ten minutes straight. Thinking Setzer was finally done and Richard could do his thing, he played the transition from organ solo to guitar solo._

'_HEY!' Setzer screamed, still playing. 'I'M NOT DONE YET!'_

'_Well I am!' Ocelot yelled back as Richard began to drown the two out with silky guitar notes._

'_RICHARD! STOP IT!' Setzer picked up his organ and broke it over his knee. He then stormed up to Richard, ripped his guitar from him and threw it into the audience._

'_The fuck, Setzer!' Richard yelled as Setzer kicked over Ocelot's drums with Ocelot still behind them. 'Are you fucking crazy!'_

'_YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT A MAN'S ORGAN SOLO!' Setzer screamed at the top of his lungs, so shrilly he sounded like a girl. He fell to his knees and put his head in his hands, shaking. 'GAAA! I'M SO FUCKING PISSED AT YOU RICHARD!'_

'_Fight! Fight! Fight!' the audience chanted._

_Richard threw his hands up and got a spare organ from the side of the stage. He picked Setzer up and put him in a chair. 'Finish your stupid ass solo!' he ordered as Ocelot tiredly began the drums again. _

_Setzer played two more notes and then played the signalling flourish. 'Take it away, Richard!' he cried cheerfully._

_Richard facepalmed him intensely before unstrapping a guitar he'd just put on and smacking him in the face with it. He then proceeded to begin his guitar solo as Ocelot finally passed out from exhaustion._

—_End Flashback—_

'Needless to say,' Claire said, 'that was our last concert before the breakup.'

Crono scratched his head. 'What a—'

Frog suddenly approached. 'Thou playest the organ, Setzer? Might I request a song from my youth, called "Light My Fire"?'

'NO!' Claire screamed.

'NO!' Crono screamed as well.

'Shit,' Amarant sighed as he put his head in his hands.

Richard even fidgeted in his sleep.

Setzer's eyes lit up as he began the opening organ solo.

'Frog, I'm going to slit your throat,' Claire threatened in a very serious manner.

— — — _At the Super Awesome Whatever — — —_

**You'd better use the whole name. I have to.**

— — — _Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-GoDeluxe Edition 9.0 — — — _

'Smelly,' Henry commented as he blinked in the low light. Rorschach sighed, rather displeased with being the only sane man left on the team.

'What do you expect, the walls are covered in rust and blood,' the vigilante replied.

'This hospital is WAAAY cooler than the shitty ones me and Henry had to go in in our games!' James said in wonder.

'Press X to look at items,' Henry muttered as he staggered in place.

'We really need to fix you,' Rorschach sighed.

— — — _In another room very nearby_ — — —

There were two nurses with huge humps in their backs standing side-by-side, looking at a tall, muscular man who had just burst through the door. In his mouth was a cigar, and in his hand was a double-barrel shotgun. Do . . . do I even have to say who it is? Seriously, if you have any brain cells you'd know it's the Comedian.

'Hey dames,' the Comedian greeted as he pulled the cigar out of his mouth and blew a huge puff. 'You're lookin' pretty fine today.'

'Look mister, I don't know who the hell you—' the less attractive nurse began before her head was blown off in a storm of buckshot.

'You, uh, you work here, do ya?' he said casually as he put two more shells in the gun.

'Y-Yes,' the remaining nurse said. Eddie maneuvered himself next to her, grinning as he put the cigar back in his mouth.

'You're a pretty little thing,' he said as he cracked his knuckles.

'Listen sir, you don't—'

The Comedian roundhouse punched her in the face and threw her into a nearby gurney, then cracked her over the head with the shotgun. He then started chuckling and tossed the shotgun aside. He unzipped his pants zipper and went to pull them down.

The door opened and in walked James, who turned back and yelled 'I won't let you down!' He turned back around and looked straight at the Comedian, who was frozen in place, looking at him like a deer in headlights. They stared at each other for three minutes.

'Yeah nothin' in here,' James declared as he left the room like nothing happened.

'Why don't I believe you,' the paranoid Rorschach growled as he opened the door.

'For fuck's sake, can we keep the—' Eddie began before he noticed it was not James who entered.

'Eddie,' Rorschach growled.

'Ror-dude,' the Comedian said, somewhat surprised. He zipped his pants back up and grabbed the double-barrel. 'The hell you doing here?'

'I should ask you the same thing,' Rorschach said menacingly. 'I believe you have something of mine.'

'I ain't got—'

'_GIVE IT BAAAAAAAACK!_' Rorschach roared.

'Pew,' Henry said as he made a gun with his hand and shot the dead nurse, then giggled to himself.

'Fine, fuck,' Eddie relented as he tossed Rorschach an eraser. Literally. An eraser.

Rorschach squealed with glee as he pulled out his diary and erased a pencil-drawn penis off of the front cover. 'My work here is done,' he said, and he left.

James stood there and scratched his head. 'Now is the part where Henry complains about Rorschach only wanting an eraser and then ditching us!'

Henry was leaning against the wall, eyes rolling around in a daze as he blinked tiredly.

'Is that—HEEEENRY!' the Comedian yelled as he dove at Henry and wrapped his arms around him, lifting him off his feet. 'I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MAN! TEAM EDDIE AND HENRY! YEAH! WHOOO!'

Henry's head lolled and he patted Eddie on the back. 'Sup,' he said.

Eddie threw Henry to the ground upon seeing James. 'The hell are you?' he asked suspiciously.

'I'm me!' James answered enthusiastically.

Henry meanwhile had fallen against a gurney and hit his head once more. He sat up and rubbed his head. 'Owww,' he moaned. 'Where the hell—' He looked up to see the Comedian. '—damn . . . it . . . all.'

'Henry!' James cried. He hugged the brunette tightly.

'James, remember when I used to tell you this was very gay of you?'

'Yeah!'

'Nothing has changed in that area.'

'Oh.'

'I'm sorry pal,' Eddie said as he put his hand on James' shoulder. 'You're a nice guy, but Team Eddie/Henry has already been established.'

'Hey, it was Team Henry/James LONG before it was Team Henry/Eddie!' Henry said as he patted a crying James on the back. 'James has been with me since square one! You're the new blood. Give me that shotgun.'

'But—'

'Eddie.'

Eddie pouted as he gave Henry the shotgun. Henry slid the infinite ammo shell into it and chuckled to himself.

'Let's get my daughter back,' he said with a grin.

'She's not really your daughter,' James reminded.

'Dammit James, shut up!'

'Oh, sorry.'

— — — _Le Reunion Au Soviet_ — — —

Setzer finished 'Light My Fire'. It had been an hour of nonstop playing. 'Anyone got any other requests?' he asked.

Maria was passed out on Tom's lap while Tom was passed out on Crono's lap. Crono was passed out with his head resting on Claire's breasts, while Claire was passed out on Robo, who had shortcircuited and spewed ice-cream all over. Even the Flaming Amarant had fainted.

Frog clapped. 'Pray could you play "Like A Rolling Stone" by Robert Dylan? 'Tis a favorite of mine.'

Richard suddenly jerked awake and stopped the bus. 'Somethin's wrong,' he announced as he grabbed an assault rifle from the glovebox. Yeah. A really damn big glovebox. He walked over to Amarant and tossed him a Phoenix Down.

'Is it . . . over?' Amarant breathed as he sat up and nursed his bleeding ears. The rest of the gang awoke and looked at him like he was high. He actually was, but . . . shhhhhh.

'Ya hear that?' Richard asked. Amarant wiped the blood from his ears and listened. The sound of wings flapping and bird-like shrieks could be heard.

— — — _On a nearby cliff over the road — — — _

Ozymandias watched the bird monsters converge on the tour bus. 'Ha! Those musicians are no match for an army of flying demons!'

Suddenly the shrieks were drowned in the sound of rapid gunshots. Through the fog, Ozymandias could see flashes, lots of them, and tons of birds being ripped to shreds.

'What the hell!' he cried.

— — — _The Tour Bus — — — _

'HAHAHAHA! YEEEEAAAAAAAH! COME GET SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!' Richard screamed as he stood on the roof of the bus, blowing the birds out of the sky with his rifle. They swooped to attack him but he teleported away and let loose as many rounds on them as he could, each round hitting their target.

'There is only one good thing about being Richard's roommate and heterosexual life partner,' Amarant stated as he pulled out two gatling guns and slung the ammo belts over his shoulders. 'Bloodshed. All the fucking time.' He then let the guns rip and shredded so many birds that it was actually hilarious.

In the tour bus, Setzer had taken the driver's seat. 'You know, I really didn't want to do this,' he sighed as he started hitting switches.'

'Do what?' Maria asked.

'Setzer, is this really necessary?' Claire asked.

'Oh come on Claire, you used to love the_ Tyrannosaurus Sex_!' Setzer said knowingly as he continued to hit switches.

'The what?' Tom asked. 'Sounds HOT!'

'It's not that, you dipshit,' Claire sighed. 'That's the name Richard gave this bus.'

Setzer pulled a lever and turned back to grin at them. 'This isn't a bus.'

— — — _Ozymandias and the Cliff of Doom_ — — —

Ozymandias watched as they ceaselessly killed his army of bird demons. He turned to retreat when he was tackled by a gigantic animal. They fell to the ground, the animal landing on him and thus remaining unhurt.

'What is . . . Bubastis!' the villain cried as he recognized his attacker.

'This is for leaving me in the chasm,' she said bluntly as she bodyslammed him in the face and knocked him out cold. She then leapt aboard the . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Author: Say it.

But it's lame.

Author: It's the name. SAY IT.

Richard: And it is not lame!

She then leapt aboard the . . . _Tyrannosaurus Sex_ as its wheels tucked themselves in, and its front and back elongated. The roof opened up, Richard and Amarant leaping into the interior of the bus, as the thing configured itself into a gigantic airship.

'It's a fucking airship?' Maria squealed. 'That is so righteous!'

Tom jumped up and down. 'I've always wanted to fly on one of these! But they weren't real until now!'

'I wanted to name her the _Trump_, but Richard won the poker match so I had to oblige!' Setzer yelled over the roar of the engines as he kicked it into high gear and the bus shot forward, screaming through the air.

'An airship,' Bubastis said. 'Impressive.'

Everyone turned to look at her, even Setzer. The ship quickly lost control and began to plummet.

'SETZER!' Claire screamed. Setzer jumped and looked out the front window.

'FUCK!' he cried as he corrected the course and they once more sailed through the sky.

'Who the hell are you?' Richard asked as he loaded a fresh clip into his rifle.

'Pardon me. My name is Bubastis. I was a former acquaintance of the man who ordered the attack on you.'

'What changed?'

'He left me to die in one of those endless pits all around Silent Hill.'

'That is horrible!' Robo beeped. 'You are a unique specimen! Never has there been one such as you.'

Bubastis purred. 'Thank you, metal can-like thing.'

'Please, my name is Robo.'

Richard held out his hand. 'And I'm Richard! The captain of this fine ship!'

Setzer frowned. 'Bullshit . . .'

'Do you happen to know of a man named Henry Townshend?' Bubastis asked.

'Yeah I know Henry? Why?'

'We all know Henry,' Tom declared.

'Not really,' Claire said.

'Shut up!' Richard barked.

'Well, he is currently being lured into a trap in Silent Hill. His daughter Cheryl has been kidnapped and is going to be sacrificed—'

'WHAT!' Richard screamed. His eyebrows furrowed and he bared his teeth. 'Full speed to Silent Hill, double time it! I'll be fucked if anyone hurts my damn niece! Who the hell is behind this?'

Bubastis looked at him. 'Who do you think?'

'Walter Sullivan?' Amarant asked coolly. 'Thought we killed him. The fuck does he want now?

'He is under orders from a man named Michael Kaufmann.'

'How much time do we have?'

'I'd say about an hour or two. Half of the girl is running loose trying to stop it, but Henry is going to be tricked into stopping her. It's kind of smart for something that bitch Dahlia came up with.'

There came a sound of water dripping. Tom had pissed himself.

'Oh no!' he said. 'Oh heeelll no!'

'What?' Maria asked.

'Not Dahlia!' Tom wailed. 'Anyone but Dahlia! Not her!'

'Yes, her,' Bubastis stated dryly.

'What the hell happened between you two?' Crono asked.

'Well you guys know my hobbies and stuff. Well . . .'

'Let me guess,' Amarant said. 'You raped her?'

'NO! _She_ raped _me_!' Tom screamed as he buried his head in his hands . . . somehow.

Richard stared at him. '. . . what?'

— _Flashback —_

_Tom was standing in the Super Awesome Dream Hospital after killing Maria for the first time. He was dragging her body back to . . . well . . . yeah._

_All of a sudden this beautiful, gorgeous young woman moseyed up to him. And by that I mean a hideous, disgusting old hag._

'_Hey sailor,' she cooed as she bit her lip and wound her hair around her finger. 'What are you up to?'_

'_N-Nothing,' the na__ཿ__ve young Tom said as he dropped Maria and tried to hide her with his body. 'Oh dear, look at the—'_

'_Come here, hot stuff!' Dahlia cried as she pulled him by his robes to the elevator and began to undress him._

'_What are you—' Tom screamed._

'_Shhhh,' Dahlia said as she put her finger to her lips. 'I know what the first time is like.'_

'_I'm a fucking Pyramid Head!' Tom declared. 'This is far from my first time! I had an orgy about ten minutes ago, and before that I had sex too! With that dead chick out in the hall to boot!'_

'_I love a man who knows what he's doing!' she purred as she slid her clothes off._

Maria: She purred at you! That whore!

'_Look lady, I don't have any money but I'll pay you to stop—OH MY GOD!' He hit the button rapidly on the elevator to open and dove out, clawing his way to freedom. Dahlia grabbed him by his legs and dragged him back._

'_NOOOOOOOOOO!' he screamed as he stretched his hand out. The elevator closed._

—_End Flashback_—

Richard scratched his head. 'Damn,' he declared.

'Yes,' Bubastis said. 'Dahlia is a very large threat — her powers are not to be underestimated.'

'I think we're more than a match for her,' Amarant assured.

'I calculate that Bubastis would have more knowledge on this than you would,' Robo beeped.

'Thank you Robo,' Bubastis replied.

'I didn't think robots could think with their dicks,' Richard said with a grin. He patted Robo on the head. 'You're becoming a man.'

Robo looked at him in confusion. 'I—what do you mean?'

The guys just laughed at him.

'I feel like Frog,' Robo booped with sadness.

'Now that you know mine pain,' Frog said with an air of superiority. 'The healing can begin.'

The two looked at each other before Robo just beeped 'You're so damn gay it's off the charts.' He rolled away.

— — — _To the Super Awesome Dream Hospital — — — _

'_**And it's hard to say / Who you are these days / But you run on anyway / Don't you baby? / You keep runnin' for another place / To find that saaaving graaaaaaace**_,' James sang as Henry and Eddie inspectigated the rooms of the Hospital for important things.

'Does he always fucking sing like this?' Eddie yelled across the hospital. With the place being dead silent, Henry heard him loud and clear.

'Yeah!' Henry screamed back. 'We all just got used to it, it's no use trying to stop him.'

'Why haven't you shot him yet?'

'Cuz he's my bestie!'

'Your what?'

'My bff.

As they had this exchange, Rorschach moseyed up to James and slapped him. James promptly stopped singing.

'Jetpack!' he greeted cheerily.

'Hey man. The exit to this place is sealed off, I got no choice but to come with you fellows!' the vigilante said very cheerfully..

'Great!'

Meanwhile Eddie had found a huge tentacled monster in the floor of one room. Its tentacles were sucking up blood from the floor. The Comedian tried to get the plate that was behind them but they whipped him in the face.

'The fuck!' he said as he wiped his face.

'Back the _FUCK_ off, this is _MY PLATE_, _BITCH_!' the tentacles screamed.

'Hey man, I don't want any trouble.'

'Well you fucking _FOUND _it, dickface!'

'I don't like your attitude,' the man said, getting angry and slipping into his Comedian persona.

'Yeh, well, the _FUCK_ you gonna do about it?' the tentacles said.

Eddie stood there for a moment before he shook violently and roared into the air, then pulled out a flamethrower and sprayed the tentacles with fire. Hot, beautiful fire.

'_GYAAAAAAAA!_' the tentacles screamed in agony as they writhed in flames and died. Eddie stepped over them and grabbed the plate and left.

Meanwhile Henry walked into a room to find a bunch of nurses sitting around just about the last person/thing he expected.

'Heeeey,' came a very stoned Pyramid Head's voice as he fondled a nurse absently. 'What's up, weird guy?'

'Who the hell are you?' Henry asked. 'Wait, you must be Tom's brother, Jim.'

'Yeeaah, sure am, man,' Jim replied. 'You must be that Henry guy or something.'

'Teehee,' the nurses all giggled as they took huge swigs from morphine bottles. 'He's cute,' they all said at once.

Henry looked at them like he'd struck oil and walked forward. 'Well I don't mean to brag, but I do take care of myself,' he said with a grin.

One of the nurses moved and made room for him beside her. 'What's your name again, I was too . . . hehehe . . .' She fell onto his shoulder and began to drool.

'This is the coolest fucking hospital ever,' Henry said with a huge smile as he moved to cop a feel on the nurse that'd just passed out on him.

'WHOOOOOOOO!' came a scream from outside, and the door flew open. In walked Eddie, who promptly murdered all the nurses with his handgun, while screaming like he was on a roller coaster.

Jim looked around and sighed, a huge stream of pot smoke blowing from under his helmet. 'Daaaamn,' he said.

'THE FUCK!' the Comedian screamed as he loaded Jim with a shitload of bullets, all of which bounced off his helmet and ricocheted around the room.

'EDDIE!' Henry roared as jumped up and knocked the gun out of the Comedian's hand, then jumped to the ground with him to take cover from the bullets that were flying around the room.

Just then James and Rorschach walked in. 'What the—' Rorschach began when he was suddenly hit in the head with a bullet and fell to the ground, quite dead.

James's jaw dropped and he looked at Henry. Henry's eyes grew wide and he stared at the Comedian. The Comedian stared at Rorschach's body in disbelief. Jim even sat up and looked at the dead hero.

'Dude,' the Comedian said as he knelt beside Rorschach. 'That . . . was so not my fault.'

'HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT NOT YOUR FAULT!' Henry screamed. 'IF YOU DIDN'T SHOOT AT EVERYTHING THAT MOVES HE'D STILL BE ALIVE!'

Just then Rorschach walked in the room. 'What the fuck are we all yelling at?' he said, annoyed. Everyone looked at him in disbelief, then back at the other Rorschach.

The other Rorschach sat up and pulled off his mask, revealing . . .

'Walter!' James cried.

'What?' Rorschach and Walter said at the same time. 'Oh,' Rorschach said as he turned to Walter Sullivan.

'Ouch!' Walter pouted as he stood up and pulled the bullet out of his head, which was regenerating.

'How are you still immortal?' Henry mused to himself. 'Nevermind, I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!'

'Y-You hurt me, and . . . Cheryl dies!' Walter said quickly.

'You son of a bitch,' Henry fumed as he stepped back. 'Get the fuck out of my sight.'

'That's right,' Walter snickered. 'Now everybody drop—' Walter was suddenly impaled with a flying spear that shot through him and into the wall, essentially nailing him in place.

Jim's arm was in the air. 'Buuuuuuuullseyeeeee,' said his very-much stoned voice.

'Daaamn!' Henry whistled. 'Thanks, man.'

'What?' Jim replied, absolutely clueless. 'I'm just playin' darts, maaaan.'

'You impaled Walter Sullivan though!' James informed him.

Jim looked hard at Walter and then looked to his left, at a dart board that was hanging on the wall. '. . . ooooohhhhhhhhh . . .' he breathed. He grabbed another spear and threw it at the small dartboard, and missed horribly.

'Hey Jim,' Henry said, 'do you know a way out of this hospital?'

'Yeeeaaaah,' Jim said as he threw Henry a key. 'It's in the basement storeroom, dude. There's some weed growin' over the shaft, though. Try not to hurt it, that's my backup.'

'Thanks.' Henry walked out of the room with James and Rorschach.

'Sorry about the nurses,' Eddie apologized, quite sincerely.

Jim waved his hand. 'Don't worry 'bout it, man, I got tons more at home.'

— — — _The Basement Storeroom_ — — —

Our heroes came to the basement storeroom's secret room. They found a grate covered in cannabis, barring their exitting of the Super Awesome Dream Hospital.

'Okay, I guess we're gonna have to move this slowly so we don't damage it,' Henry sighed.

Not a second afterward, Eddie's cigar's ash fell off and landed on the plant. It erupted in a huge casserole of flames and smoke. The aroma drifted into our protagonists' nostrils . . .

'I've never done weed before,' Rorschach said in disbelief as he inhaled the fumes against his will. He knew it was too late.

— — — _Ten minutes later — — — _

The grate had been cleared of weed.

The group was sitting against a wall, laughing at everything, stoned off their asses.

'Hey man,' Eddie said in a chill voice. 'The grate's cleared.'

Henry laughed. 'So?'

James laughed too. 'I farted.'

Everyone laughed at him, Rorschach so hard that he fell over and convulsed, unable to breathe. This sent all the others into laughter so uncontrollable that they couldn't control it.

— — — _With Jim the Pyramid Head — — — _

Walter struggled valiantly to free himself but could not. He sighed and pouted. 'Well this sucks!' he declared. 'Why'd you have to be a poo-head about this?'

'What the hell?' Jim said, almost laughing. 'That clock is talking to me . . .'

'I'm not a clock! I'm a human being!'

'If you're a clock, why, then why do you have hands?' Jim stumbled to say.

'Humans have hands too!'

'Prove it . . .'

Walter held up his hands. 'I have them, and I'M HUMAN!'

'No, you're a clock, man, and, like, I hate clocks, always being on time and shit.'

'Do you even have a sober persona anymore?' Walter asked.

'Noooope,' Jim said as he started to throw spears at Walter.

— — — _HERJ — — — _

'Hey guys,' Henry said with a big stupid grin as he stood, stumbled, and shuffled to the chute. 'Guys . . . hey, guys . . . look . . . guys . . . guys . . . look . . . look guys . . . guys . . . hey . . . look . . . hey . . . . . . . hey . . . guys . . . hey . . .'

'Whaaaaat?' Rorschach asked.

'Huh?' Henry replied.

'Huh?'

'Watch this,' the brunette snickered as he put one foot in the chute and lost his balance, falling down in a horrible manner, causing him to hit his nuts on the rim and his head on the wall. He fell down onto grate.

'Whoa,' James said in awe. 'How did he do that?'

The Comedian shrugged. So did Rorschach. James stood up and shuffled over. His knees buckled before he got there and he fell in headfirst, landing on Henry, who busted into laughter.

The Comedian jumped in next, laughing the whole way down, until he landed on his legs, which buckled, and he fell on his ass, hitting his head on the grate. Then he went 'Ooooh,' and laughed again.

Rorschach did a swan dive and landed on his head, somersaulting forward and almost breaking his neck. He didn't seem to care.

Not one of them remembered exactly what they found down there, and when they became sober they were being looked at by a hot nurse.

'Whoa,' Henry said as he sat up and held his head. 'What the hell? Where have I been? Who was phone?'

'Are you okay?' the nurse said. 'Do you remember anything? Your name?'

'My name is Henry, and I'm looking for a little girl. She's about this tall, short black hair, seven years old. Answers to the name Cheryl.'

'I'm Lisa, and I'm afraid the only person I've seen in this town is you.'

'What about them?' Henry asked as he pointed to James, Rorschach, and the Comedian, who were playing Risk at a table nearby.

James moved rolled a dice and took Great Britain from the Comedian. 'Checkmate!' James cried.

'Oh yeah, I forgot about them,' Lisa said. 'Anyway, do you know what's going on?'

'I can't remember anything after I got high in the basement storeroom. Maybe I found something down there . . .' Henry pulled out a picture of a girl, labeled 'Alessa'. '. . . huh. Maybe I found something else . . .' He pulled out a huge blunt, a pair of scissors, a bullet with a note attached, and a pair of dice.

'What's this?' he asked as he read the note on the bullet. 'Oh, it's the infinite rifle bullet. I don't even have a rifle. Lame.' He looked at Lisa. 'So, wanna have sex?'

'Not particularly,' Lisa replied. 'I'm kind of—nevermind, you'll find out later.'

'Okey-dokey. Well, I guess it's time to pass out.'

'What?'

Just then the siren sounded, and Henry got a massive headache. The others, however, were unaffected.

'I have a bad feeling,' Rorschach said as he saw Henry pass out before his eyes.

When Henry woke up, he was in the examination room, except it was the real world. Dahlia was putting on her clothed and smirking.

'What did you do to me!' Henry cried as he noticed his shirt buttons weren't all done.

'I didn't do a damn thing, naughty boy,' Dahlia said as she tossed him a key. 'Check out the antique shop, it's the shit. And . . . my number's on that tag. (Call me)' She left the room.

Henry stared at the door in horror before he suddenly threw up all over the floor and began bawling. He then checked the key's tag. It read:

'_(555-555-1337) You're a crazy son of a bitch when you're high, and a bit of a screamer . . . but I can dig that. Ring me up, sweetcheeks, if you wanna have a good time. – Love Dahlia. P.S. This key is for the Green Lion Antique Shop, but it also works for my front door, if you ever wanna . . . you know . . . swing by . . . ;)_'

Henry slammed his eyes shut. 'Gotta find Cheryl, gotta find Cheryl, gotta find Cheryl, gotta find Cheryl . . .' He repeated this as he stood up and left the hospital, heading for the antique shop.

_To Be Continued . . . _

_Can Cheryl be saved? Will James win the game of Risk? Is Henry a screamer? Find out some of these things, hopefully not the third, in Chapter Ten!_

_EF: Okay brosephs, this is a 16 page behemoth. You'd better buy me a lot of drinks for this one. And since he was the favorite and it's the Super Awesome Dream Hospital, I figured that I'd let Henry take a swing at this and we'll see how it goes._

_Henry: Hells yeah!_

_Richard: I'm guessing since we already have 16 pages we won't have to make this long._

_EF: But we still will anyway._

_Amarant: Figures._

_EF:: Since there are no questions from reviewers or PM's, one of our characters was kind enough to ask us a question!_

_Richard: Okay, let's do this shit!_

_EF: Our only question is from Maria. She asks: _'Richard . . . if you had to bang one chick in the story, who would it be?'

_Richard: Err . . ._

_Amarant: Hmm._

_Richard: I guess some people forget I'm impotent, as I'm dead. My blood doesn't flow. I can't get boners. Thanks for reminding me._

_EF: Let's assume you were still living._

_Richard: Oh that's a different case. Well there's only, like, 3 chicks in the story anyway, at least, worth banging . . . coughDahliacough. So I'm gonna have to go with . . . Eileen. She's dumber than a box of rocks and has the memory of a goldfish._

_EF: Okay, Amarant?_

_Amarant: Uh . . ._

_EF: What?_

_Amarant: I'm a married man._

_EF: Oh yeah._

_Henry and Richard: WHAT!_

_Amarant: Yeah, I thought we all knew that I was married to Freya._

_Richard: I . . . vaguely remember that. I thought she divorced you._

_Amarant: Come on Richard. Size matters and look at me . . ._

_Henry: Eww._

_Richard: But dude, she's a rat. And that means she's a furry . . ._

_Henry: Mega-Eww._

_Amarant: Yeah, since we all know I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole . . . and I have a ten-foot pole . . . we have a very open relationship. So I guess I'd have to choose Maria._

_Henry: She's got so many STDs though!_

_Amarant: Nothing a Remedy can't cure, dude. And you can't fathom the things I'm into._

_Henry: Ultra-super-duper Eww._

_EF: And lastly, Henry?_

_Henry: Who's that chick that I haven't met yet?_

_EF: ?_

_Richard: Every one. Ahahahaha!_

_Amarant: Zing._

_Henry: No. That hot brunette that plays with Richard's band._

_EF: Claire?_

_Henry: Yeah. Her. All the way. Every way._

_EF: That's . . ._

_Amarant: . . . awesome._

_Richard: You're manlier than I thought._

_EF: . . . I was thinking 'disturbing' but hey, we'll go with that._

_Henry: Seriously, I'm done with Eileen. Ever since she thought sex was a type of meat, I've stopped trying._

_Richard: Tough break._

_Henry: Yep._

_EF: Well that wraps up this chapter . . . and what a chapter it is, a whopping 17 pages! Don't start counting on this kind of thing, though, we all know what kind of person I am._

_Richard: Oh boy, do we . . ._

_EF: In any case, hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you next chapter!_

_Richard: Sayonara!_

_Amarant: Yep._

_Henry: Later! GOD I'VE WANTED TO SAY THAT SINCE THIS SEGMENT STARTED!_

_Richard: Welcome to the Awesome clan. Enjoy your stay._

_Henry: WOOTOX!_


	10. Chapter 10: The

Chapter 10: The

Henry stepped outside of the hospital and checked his map, pinpointing the location of the Antique Shop.

'Flying fucks, that thing is miles away!' he complained. 'The amount of monsters that are between me and that shop are probably off the damn charts!'

He pulled out his shotgun only to find that he didn't have it. Nor did he have the pistol, or the pipe. He stood there, completely in denial, trying to deduce where they could be.

— — — _Super Awesome Dream Hospital — — — _

The Comedian was jumping on a rusty, bloody mattress, screaming the whole time. 'WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!' Kinda like that.

'Does he ever run out of steam?' Lisa asked, frightened.

Rorschach thought. 'It should be about now . . .'

'What?'

Eddie continued to jump on the bed.'WHOOOOO! WHOOOOOOOOOO! Whoh.' The Comedian suddenly got extremely mellowed out mid-air and fell limply to the bed, landing on his ass. There came a deafening crack as the shotgun, which was strapped to his back, discharged, spraying the area with buckshot.

'Holy shit!' Lisa exclaimed as she flinched.

'Damn!' Rorschach said as he jumped in his seat.

James's mouth was open in pain as he lifted his leg up to find it completely littered with shrapnel, blood dripping all over his jeans. '. . . oww,' he said quietly. 'Do we have any Band-Aids around here?'

'No but I have this,' Lisa said as she injected him with an ampoule.

'Uh I think you should treat the wound,' Rorschach suggested.

But James's leg was strangely completely healed.

'That's a painkiller! What the fuck?' Rorschach exclaimed.

Lisa shrugged as James fell back in his chair, completely numb, and Eddie snored loudly on the mattress.

— — — _Townshend_ — — —

Henry was jogging through the streets, randomly performing dance moves and cartwheels and flips and shit. Crazy stuff, man. He finally came to the doorway to the Green Lion. Unlocking it with the key, he entered to find a completely normal shop for antiques, almost like some sort of antique shop.

He found nothing peculiar, except for a dresser that appeared moved recently. Pushing it out of the way, he discovered . . .

'. . . a hole,' he declared dryly. 'Wow. A hole. As if I haven't seen enough holes in my damn life.' He sighed and tapped his foot impatiently. 'Oh I wonder where Cybil could be!' he yelled after a few minutes.

Author: You shot her in the face in the second chapter . . .

'What?' Henry said. He thought for a moment. 'Oh yeah!' he chuckled. 'Well, time to suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome while walking through this man-sized hole.' Henry proceeded to suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome while walking through a man-sized hole.

Upon breaking on through to the other side, Henry found himself before an altar, with a picture of a pretty kick-ass incubus demon and some candles and shit. I mean it's really not important. Anyway, what is important is that he noticed something hanging up on the wall.

'Is that . . .' he breathed as he fell back against the wall and started to hyperventilate. 'It is . . . oh . . . oh dear . . .' He stepped forward and gingerly took the axe that was hanging on the wall. 'My sweet, sweet axe . . . how I have missed you . . . I know you sucked in this game . . . but I will make you all better . . . shhhhh . . . it's okay, you're safe . . . you're safe . . .'

Author: Uhh . . .

**He's scaring me.**

Author: I think we should cut to someone else.

**No one's doing anything.**

Author: Huh. Well then. No choice . . .

Just then, the altar sprouted flames and the entire room combusted in a hellish storm of fire. Henry leapt to his feet and looked around, terrified. 'Fire! Fuck!' he screamed as he ran for the hole, but before he could make it, he got a terrible headache and passed out.

— — — _The Tyrannosaurus Sex_ — — —

Claire was sitting in one of the seats, absently playing her bass, as the others sat and thought about what to do, while Setzer was flying the airship. She looked out the window and sighed. 'Son of a bitch.'

'What?' Setzer asked, annoyed.

'Remember that time Richard lost our first airship?'

'The _Intercourse Maximus_?'

'Yeah.'

'Yeah.'

'Look behind us.'

Setzer checked behind the airship, and sure enough, there was a red ship flying directly behind them, charging up its lazer beems. Lol just kidding. They were already charged.

'SON OF A SHIT BITCH ASS!' Setzer cried as he performed a barrel roll and evaded a huge blast. However, since this was on Earth and none of the occupants were strapped in except him, everyone tumbled around the airship like . . . things that tumble.

'What the hell is going on?' Richard demanded as he picked up his gun.

'Alfred!' Setzer yelled. 'Everyone buckle the fuck up!'

'Why?' Tom asked. 'What's—'

'Too late!' The gambler hit several switches and maneuvered the ship to fly in a vertical loop, ending up behind the _Intercourse Maximus_.

'Who the fuck is naming these ships?' Crono asked as the rest of the gang tumbled about the ship.

'Don't you be dissing my names!' Richard barked as he kicked open a hatch in the floor. 'Claire—'

'Richard—'

'Now is not the time!'

'But—'

'No buts!'

'I like big butts and a cannot—' Crono began before Amarant layed him out.

'Someone has to man that gun!' Richard declared.

Setzer drew a sharp breath. 'Oh yeah . . .'

'What?'

'The gatling gun down there, yeah, kinda forgot to restock that ammo.'

Richard stared at him. 'Tell me . . . you're kidding.'

'Why would I tell you that? I'm not kidding at all!'

Amarant stood up and walked over to them. 'So we're weaponless?'

'We've got the four of us!' Setzer exclaimed.

'. . .'

'Yeah we're pretty fucked aren't we?'

'Richard,' Amarant sighed. 'I never thought I would say this, but . . . you and I should teleport over there.'

'Good thinkin'!' Richard said as he high-fived the giant.

'I am coming too!' Robo beeped.

'As am I!' Frog declared.

Crono looked around. 'I'll stay with the ladies.'

'So will I,' Tom said.

'On second thought, wait for me,' Crono decided. The five touched each other—lol—and braced themselves.

'I'm sure this isn't that bad,' Robo booped.

Amarant looked at him. 'You just wait.'

And like that, the five of them were gone.

Setzer jumped up in his seat. 'You know what, I did actually restock the ammo! Ha! Man, good thing—wait, where'd they go?'

Claire slapped him hard in the face. 'You're an absolute dipshit, Setzer.'

— — — _Somewhere Dark and Smelly _— — —

'Ungh,' Henry moaned as he woke up on bloody, rusty grate flooring. He got to his feet and held his head in his hands. 'What the fuck is going on? This is the worst damn vacation I've ever had. Unless I'm dying in my car right now. Man. Sure hope THAT doesn't turn out to be the ending of the game! That would suck! Anyway, I should go see Lisa, I'll probably find James and everyone there.'

Stepping out of the antique shop, Henry was immediately greeted by an ape monster tackling him. 'Remember me, bitch?' it said as it wrapped its hands around his neck. Henry's axe was knocked out of reach.

'Listen,' Henry struggled to say. 'We don't have to settle it this way!'

'Oh really? How else can we settle it, you pacifist faggot?'

Henry bit his lip to stem the rage about to erupt from his soul. 'There's other ways than violence! We don't have to do this!'

'Name one other damn way!'

Henry thought, but, not being well-versed in the art of pacifism, he could think of nothing else but: 'Dance?'

'We can't fucking dance at a time like this!'

Suddenly the riff from 'Safety Dance' began to play as Henry got to his feet and the monster released his throat. Henry rubbed his neck and stepped forward, looking off into the blackness of the Otherworld.

'We can dance if we want to! We can leave your friends behind!' he said in time to the music as the two began to walk down the road. ''cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine!'

He turned to the ape. 'Say, we can go where we want to!' He patted him on the shoulder. 'A place where they will never find! And we can act like we come from out of this world, leave the real one far behind! We can dance!'

'_Dansez_!' the ape replied as the two held hands and danced in a circle around each other, then began to march down the street again.

'We can go when we want to! Night is young and so am I!' A small group of monsters began to gather behind the duo as they marched. 'And we can dress real neat, from our hats to our feet, and surprise 'em with a victory cry! Say, we can act if we want to! If we don't nobody will! And you can act real rude and totally removed and I can act like an imbecile! Say . . .'

All the monsters grabbed a partner and started dancing around each other while Henry walked around them and danced himself. 'We can dance — we can dance, everything's out of control!' He skipped to the edge of the street, just beside town center. 'We can dance — we can dance, they're doin' it pole-to-pole!' He watched as the monsters danced among themselves, and the ape that had been attacking him started taking over his part. 'We can dance — we can dance, everybody look at your hands! We can dance — we can dance, everybody's taking the chaaa-haaa-aaa-aaaaance!'

'Safe to dance!' the whole group cried as one. 'Well it's safe to dance! Yes it's safe to dance!'

'I'm a changed monster!' the ape yelled. 'I have seen the light! This feeling . . . such a great feeling! I feel so powerful, with the might of dance! Thank you Henry! Thank you a thousandfold! Ahahaha!'

Henry smiled broadly and waved as he danced into the Town Center, where upon entering he promptly grimaced and shuddered. 'Why the hell did I do that?' he wondered aloud, utterly sickened with himself. 'I could have killed them all and gotten here quicker! Oh well, what's done is done! Time to find Cheryl!'

He went to step on the escalator when suddenly a huge blob of televisions came to life and started showing weird symbols! Henry recoiled in surprise, holding his arm up to shield his eyes from the terror-inducing images that gnawed at his sanity like—

Author: Shut the hell up and get on with it.

—Henry recoiled in surprise.

'Daddy!' came Cheryl's voice as her image appeared on the screens. 'Daddy! Help me! Daddy, where are you?'

'Cheryl!' Henry cried as he leapt over to the televisions. 'Let her out! Let her out damn you!' He backed up to the other side of the room and charged at the array of TVs, diving headfirst into one just as the images flickered into repeats of the symbols. His head crashed through a TV and sparks flew everywhere.

'In hindsight,' he said as he pulled his bleeding head out of the TV. 'That was a James thing to do. I must remember to think about these things next time.' He climbed the escalators and moved to climb over a gaping hole in the floor via a section of the floor still intact. The floor caved as soon as he stepped on it, and he fell into a pit of . . . sand? Is it sand? It looks like sand, but I can't be sure, we'll have to take samples and wait for the results.

'I hate . . . everything,' he moaned as he stood and dusted himself off. 'Now—'

'OMM NOM NOM NOM!' came a voice from somewhere. A gigantic larva-worm-beetle-thing came out of the sand, with huge pincers and tons of itty-bitty legs. It was the cutest ugly thing you ever saw! 'WHOSSAT IN MAH SANDEH PEHT?'

'What?' Henry asked, confused.

'AH SEHD, WHOSSAT . . . IN . . . MAH SANDEH . . . PEHT?' the voice repeated.

'You need to see a speech therapist, dude, I got no clue what you're saying.'

'YUH MUST BEH HENREH TOWNSHEHND!' the voice declared. 'AH HAHV HERD ABAUHT YUH!

Henry sighed. 'Yeah, sure, whatever. Have you seen my daughter around here?'

'AH AM UNDAH STREHCT ORDEHS NOT TAH LEHT YUH TRUEEH!'

A moment passed. 'Ooookay then, I'm just gonna—'

'HAV AT YUH!' the thing cried as it barreled forward to snap him in half with its pincer-claw-vice things, I don't know.

'Son of a bitch,' Henry sighed as he whipped out the axe and wound up, releasing his signature Townshend Maneuver on the beast. The axe was repelled by the rock-hard shell-carapace-casing thing.

'HAH! AHM ENVEHNCEBEHL!' the thing chortled.

Henry huffed and looked around for some tool to help him in his _kampf_. As he did, the worm leapt and hit him in the face with its tail, knocking him across the room, into a rack of hunting rifles.

Our protagonist stared at them like they were Christmas presents before swiftly picking one up, loading it with the infinite ammo slug, and tactical rolling into the sand, coming up just as the worm was.

'Taste hot lead, mothafucka!' he cried as he squeezed off three shots into the monster's face-mouth-head thing. It reared back and shrieked.

'BULULULULU! WUT WAS TAHT FOHR?' it cried.

'Shut the hell up, you make NO SENSE!' Henry yelled as he popped six more rounds into the thing.

'AH, AHM AOUTTA HEHR!' it declared as it escaped via the front door. A novel idea, according to rocket scientists.

'This town is pissing me off! Where the hell is my daughter, so I can go back to 302 and get wasted!' Henry huffed as he made his way toward Alchemilla. All the monsters were with the ape, having a jammin' dance party.

— — — _Alchemilla — — — _

'I'm bored,' James sighed.

'Me too,' Rorschach agreed. 'We need to get out of this town, to hell with Henry.'

'I can't leave without my water chip!' James reminded. 'I think now is the time to go get that, amiright?'

'What?'

'Am I valid in that statement?'

'Oh, yes.'

'Wait! You guys can't go!' Lisa pleaded. 'I'm terrified to be here alone!'

'Come with us!' James offered.

'Hell no! You guys are gonna get killed as soon as you get to the streets.'

'Bitch!' Rorschach screamed as he sailed to punch her, but James and Eddie held him back.

'Calm down man!' Eddie said. 'Calm down!'

Rorschach's breathing slowed and he dusted himself off.

'Punching broads is my thing!' Eddie reminded as he turned and layed Lisa out with a haymaker. 'Okay, let's get the fuck outta here.'

They all nodded, and walked out the door.

— — — _Five minutes later_ — — —

'Lisa?' Henry cried as he walked in and found the nurse wiping blood from her nose. 'What happened?'

'Your dumbass friend punched me!' Lisa cried, infuriated. 'Where the hell did you go? I was so scared all alone! Especially with _them_!'

'It's okay, I'm here now, baby,' Henry said as she embraced him.

'Baby?'

'What? Anyway, I have no fucking clue what to do now. Lisa, where were those morons headed? This is turning out to be harder than I thought.'

'They said something about a Water Chip. There's an emporium on the other side of town, near the lake.'

'How do I get there?' Henry asked.

'Bachman Road, dumbass, check your map.'

'The roads are all out. Is there any other way? A super-easy, safe way filled with bullets and hot women in need of loving?'

'No, but there's a sewer by the school.'

'Oh, that works, I guess.' Henry turned to leave.

'WAIT!' Lisa cried. 'Don't go! Don't leave me here alone! It's so scary I'm going out of my fucking MIND!'

'Then why don't you come with me? I'm not makin' promises or anything but I'll do my best to protect you.'

'No, I—'

'Then WHAT THE FUCK do you want?' Henry said, throwing up his hands. 'I have to get my little girl. As soon as I get her, I'll come back for you, I guess. But if I do, you better be ready to get a little Henry in your system.' He winked.

'You are a father, you sick bastard.'

'I know,' Henry sighed. 'Just, meet the people I live with and you'll understand why I'm desperate. Anyway, I'm off to chase a bunch of dipshits around town, I guess. Catch on you on the flip side! LAY-TAAAA!' Henry threw his hand up and walked out of the door like he was all-that.

Outside of the hospital, he noticed that the rest of the road was obliterated, save a small path that led to the top of a building. Jogging his way to the top, he found a gigantic moth waiting for him.

'Hello,' the moth said in an extremely dignified manner. 'I am the moth. It is my sworn duty to obstruct the path of Henry Townshend in his desire to reach his daughter in the hopes that Wallace the Daemon may be summoned. I apologize for using violence but understand that this is my sole purpose in life, and therefore I truly have no voice in the matter.'

Henry stared at it for several seconds.

'In any case, I am afraid that this is the section of the story in which you are terminated. I truly—'

It was at this moment that a gigantic red ship barreled into the moth and tore it in half. Flames were spewing from out the back of the vehicle and there was maniacal laughing and lots of gunshots emanating from the interior. Henry could only stare as the ship crashed to the ground and took out a slew of buildings.

Distantly he heard a roaring sound and a horn honking. Looking behind him he saw a pair of headlights flying downward right where he was standing. 'FUCK!' he screamed as he tore ass to the other side of the roof just as the thing hit, the resulting explosion launching him off the roof into the unknown . . .

_To Be Continued . . ._

_Will Henry be okay? Will James ever find his Water Chip? Is it really safe to dance? Find out in Chapter 11 of the Nameless Parody 4!_

_EF: Quality Time._

_Richard: YEAAAH!_

_Amarant: Kick ass._

_Henry: HOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOY!_

_EF: Alright, let's get this show on the road. First question comes from our good friend Psychoburner420! He asks: "_Did you cheat in the poker game that caused the naming of the Tyrannosaurus Sex, are you just a truly amazing poker player, or did you distract them all with Maria's breasts?_"_

_Richard: Interesting question. You see, it's funny that you mention Maria because this was waaaaay back, when I was alive and my wang functioned. So I was nailin' chicks left and right, and havin' sex to boot! HA! Anywho, there was this broad, alright, this smokin' hot blonde babe, who we brought on the then-nameless tour bus._

_Amarant: This better be going somewhere._

_Henry: Fuck it going anywhere except the bedroom!_

_Richard: Shut it up! Anywhy, me and Setzer were playing poker to see who could name the ship. Well we all were playing but Claire was too busy gettin' some and Ocelot didn't know how to play so he folded ASAP. So me and Setzer are bee-boppin' along, playin' some cards, when, don'tcha know it, my hand turns out to be a steaming pile of shit._

_Richard: So I got this blonde chick to come over and give Setzer a lap dance while I nab his cards and rig them to suck royal ass! AHAHA! And the best part is, that chick turned out to be Maria!_

_Henry: That is awesome!_

_Amarant: Kinda is actually._

_Richard: It got really hilarious when Setzer found out Maria and him were related! HIS FACE WAS PRICELESS! HE THREW UP FOR THREE HOURS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_Henry: And there it goes._

_Amarant: Like the wind._

_EF: . . . . . just eww._

_Richard: Aww fuck you guys, you have no sense of humor._

_EF: . . . anyway, we have a whopping total of 3 questions from Lord Darkcomet, who asks first: "_First obviously for Richard. I sent my ninja's to do some dirt digging on you and have discovered something horrific, a sex tape featuring you, Necron, Exdeath, and Salazaar. My question is what the hell brought that on?_"_

_Amarant: Fuck, I can explain this one._

_Richard: Yeah._

_Henry: Wha-what?_

_EF: Yes, I'd like to hear this. I think. Probably not. But I'll listen anyway._

_Amarant: Okay, so we all know Salazaar has this whole thing for pain, you know?_

_Henry: We do now._

_Richard: Well he does, and he's also got necrophelia. So he hired Necron to kidnap me so he could diddle me while I slept. Unfortunately no one realized that ghosts are super-sensitive to disturbances._

_Amarant: Yeah, on that tape I believe Salazaar screams 'He's moving, oh God, he's moving.'_

_Richard: It ruined it for him, but he refused to pay the other guys without some sex, so Exdeath took him on._

_Henry: Why are YOU in the video after that?_

_Richard: Well Necron offered me a drink and you know me: I never refuse a drink. After a few shots I started to see things, and I thought Necron was Eileen, so I started to make out with him. Apparently he is gay, so he didn't stop me, and then I thought the other guys were Playboy Bunnies and things got out of hand WAAAAAAY too quickly._

_EF: Wait, how does Amarant know this stuff too?_

_Amarant: Who do you think held the camera?_

_Henry: (EXTREME VOMIT ACTION)_

_Amarant: Hey man, I was seeing things too, sue me._

_EF: Because I don't want to talk about this ever again, let's move on to the second question: "_Amarant, is it true that you once had a month long orgy in Tibet?_"_

_Amarant: Yes._

_Richard: . . ._

_Henry: . . . that it?_

_Amarant: He didn't ask for details or anything. You guys are so stupid. And kind of disgusting._

_EF: True that. Last question of the chapter: "_Henry, Here is a hammer, can you solve the meaning of life?_"_

_Henry: Hmm. You know, I think the meaning of life is that we have to hit the nail on the head. We have to be accurate with our life, aim to kill, no matter what. Precision is the only path in life._

_Richard: No you bitch, it's 42._

_Amarant: Idiot._

_Henry: . . . fuck._

_EF: Well that wraps this episode up! Tune in next time for an exciting chapter in which nothing happens! Til next time!_

_Amarant: See ya._

_Richard: Bye!_

_Henry: I still have to puke!_


	11. Chapter 11: Happy Fun Time

Chapter 11: Happy Fun Time

Richard cackled maniacally as Alfred groveled before him.

'Please don't hurt me, scary man!' the blonde wimp cried. 'I have money, lots of it! I'll give you my sister!'

Alfred twitched and suddenly spoke in falsetto. '_I won't let you give me away!_'

He twitched once more. 'This is not your decision!'

'_I hate you Alfred!_'

'Alexia!'

'_Go away!_'

'Alexia!' He was silent for a moment. 'It appears I've upset her.'

'Richard!' Amarant called as he leapt from the ruins of the _Intercourse Maximus_. 'I got a call from Claire. She said her and Setzer crashed in the western part of town.'

'But I saw her going down right behind us,' Richard stated, confused.

'Apparently Setzer actually knows how to fly the thing,' came Claire's voice through a walkie-talkie on Amarant's hip. 'When he needs to.'

'Shut up!' came Setzer's voice. 'How was I supposed to know the switch labeled "Turbo" would start up the turbo?'

'But you hit the building, didn't you?' Robo beeped. 'It would have easily stopped your motion dead in its tracks.'

'It's really, really, really powerful turbo,' Claire said with a sigh.

'_Alfred, father would be ashamed of you!_' Alfred suddenly squealed in rage.

'Alexia, don't bring father into this!' the blonde man retorted angrily.

'What are we gonna do now that we've dealt with this dumbass?' Crono asked as he dealt the finishing blow to a Hunter with his pipe.

'Well we'll investigate this area over here for a bit, find out what we can about Cheryl,' Richard decided. 'Tom, you and Maria look after Alfred. Claire, you and Setzer look for Townshend! Got it?'

'Yeah, I read you,' Claire answered. 'Come on, dumbfuck, let's go.'

'Hey!' Setzer's voice protested.

— — — _Henry's Prostrate Body_ — — —

Henry woke up with a blinding headache and a horrible taste in his mouth. He found out that his skull was cracked open and several of his teeth were gone. Both of his arms were broken, and one of his ankles was horribly twisted in a way that is lulzworthy.

He took the time to register this before he promptly began screaming his lungs out in agony.

'Found him!' came a voice from nearby. And up sprinted Claire Redfield.

Time slowed down for Henry as he watched the young woman jog up to him, her jugs bouncing up and down in a way that was only possible in his imagination as she tossed her head to the side to clear her hair from her eyes.

Really, Claire just kind of briskly jogged up to him with no exaggerated motion at all, but a man can dream, can't he?

**Yes he can.**

'Damn you're in a bad way,' she declared as she knelt beside him. 'You're Henry, right?'

Half in horrible agony, half captivated by her insane beauty that was kind of only in his head, Henry weakly managed a high-pitched 'Uh-huh' in answer.

Setzer arrived and took one look at the battered man. 'I can fix this!' he declared happily. 'Cure3!' A gigantic meteor fell from the sky thirty feet from where they were standing. He huffed. 'Cure3!' Flames erupted from all around them. 'Son of a bitch! CURE 3!' A massive rift in space-time opened as green energy started to gather.

Claire cracked him over the head with her grenade-launcher and turned to Henry. 'That's Setzer, who can't do anything unless it's an extreme situation, and even then, it's unlikely.' She pulled out a can of First-Aid Spray and sprayed his wounds with it. They healed up instantly.

Henry looked at the can in awe. 'What the hell is in that?'

Claire looked at the label. 'Ingredients: Healing spray, corn starch, citric acid, and carbonated water.'

'Nifty,' the young man said as he stood up and cracked his neck. 'So, who are you?'

'I'm Claire,' Setzer said.

'Shut the fuck up Setzer!' Claire scolded. '_I_ am Claire Redfield.' She held out her hand. Henry shook it.

'Is that your . . . maiden name?' he asked casually.

'Yeah,' Claire replied, not understanding the reasoning behind the question.

'Ahh, I see. So what are you and your boyfriend doing here?'

Claire looked at Setzer with disdain and then back to Henry. 'He's _not_ my boyfriend.'

'Oh,' Henry pretended to be surprised. 'Well where is he then?'

'I don't—'

'You suck at this, dude,' Setzer said with a chuckle.

'Hey, Setzer, is it?' Henry asked.

'Yeah?'

'Shut the fuck up.'

Setzer frowned. Claire grinned. 'I have a feeling you and I are gonna get on great,' she declared as the trio got their bearings.

— — — _Alchemilla_ — — —

'Aww hell,' Lisa sighed as Richard and company entered the room where she dwelled. 'More of you crossover characters?'

'What?' Richard asked, perplexed.

'Nevermind. What do you want?'

'Hey lady,' Crono said suavely. 'Take it easy.' He winked.

'I have eyes for only one man, Goku, so you better watch it before I tear your pecker off,' Lisa said coldly.

Crono shrugged. 'I'm not using it anyway.'

'Please,' Amarant sighed, 'tell me your one man is not Henry Townshend.'

'Oh God no,' Lisa said with a hearty laugh. 'You—you—oh that's hilarious!' She kept laughing for a while.

'Yeah she knows Henry,' Richard deduced. 'When did you last see him?'

'Uh, he came in about half an hour ago looking for his friends. I told him they went to the lake, and that the only way there is through the sewers.'

'His friends? What friends?' Robo booped.

'That guy in the green jacket, Joe or something. Some macho, crazy ass guy they called Eddie, and a guy in a weird mask, called himself . . . Rorkash or something hard to pronounce.'

'Well we know that Sir James was in his company,' Frog mused. 'That is heartening news! Mayhap we should locate Mr. Sunderland?'

'The lake, huh? We can take Alfred's ship there,' Amarant decided. 'Move out.'

'Oh come the hell on!' Lisa huffed. 'Why does everyone who comes in here leave me alone?'

'Wanna come with us?' Richard offered.

'No.'

'Then WHAT THE FUCK?' Richard said, throwing his hands up as the gang left.

— — — _Jim Sunderland and the Portals_ — — —

'_Well your fingers weave quick minarets — speak in secret alphabets_,' James sang loudly and obnoxiously as the trio moved on down the line in the sewers.

'I'm gonna kill him,' Eddie said plainly. 'I'm just going to put my gun to his head, and kill him.'

'Eddie,' Rorschach sighed. 'Just . . . calm down, man.'

'No man, I—'

Rorschach punched Eddie in the face and threw him against a wall. 'CALM DOWN! I SAID CALM DOWN, SO CALM THE FUCK DOWN YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!' he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Eddie held his hands up as a sign of peace and stared at Rorschach, who was breathing like a rabid dog. He then noticed something. 'Hey.'

'WHAT?'

'James stopped singing.'

The two looked and saw James being carried away by a man in a trenchcoat, dragging him by his feet while trying to go as fast as he could.

'It's that other me!' Rorschach growled as he pulled out his grappling hook.

Suddenly a slew of sewer monsters leapt out and engaged them in combat. Eddie blew them all to hell and back with his shotgun, while Rorschach went ape-shit with his pipe.

'The floor smells like poop!' came James's voice from far away.

'James!' the two cried as they took off down the darkness of the sewer to rescue their comrade.

— — — _Meanwhile, about forty feet away_ — — —

Henry, Claire, and Setzer arrived at the entrance to the sewer to find an old padlock and a note:

'_Hey boss, I couldn't find a better padlock than this one. Sorry, I know that if you whack it a few times you can break it but I don't think it matters, Henry will never figure that out. He'll NEVER rescue his friend from being kidnapped, which is what we're doing here! Trust me! Oh, and about the whole leaving notes issue you emailed me about . . . I don't get it. Something about leaving notes that help the enemy, I don't get quite what you mean. Please elaborate next time! Thanks!_

—_Walter Sullivan XOXOXOXOXO_'

'We're dealing with some smart mo-fos,' Setzer said with all seriousness on his face as he pondered how to get past the padlock.

'Everybody stay calm,' Henry said, looking directly at Claire. 'I got this.' He winked.

'Sure,' Claire said doubtfully as everone stepped back as Henry pulled out his axe.

'A-Padlock . . . . . . . A-BREAK!' Henry screamed as he wound up his arm and dealt a crippling blow to his own leg, hacking in extremely deep. 'FUUUUUUCK!' he screamed as he let go of the axe, which remained in his leg, fairly rigid.

'Yowch,' Claire said as the man screamed in agony while hopping around in panic.

'Do I take it out or leave it in?' he cried. 'Do I take it out or leave it in? Huh? WHAT DO I DO?'

'I think under normal circumstances you take it out,' Setzer said, confident.

'I'm out of spray,' Claire said apologetically. 'I don't know if I have anything except ammo.'

'Wait!' Henry cried as he fished in his pockets and produced the ampoule from the Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-Go in Walter's world. 'I still got two drops left!' he put a drop on his tongue, and the axe fell out of his now fully-healed leg.

'That's some powerful shit,' Claire mused.

'I only carry the best,' Henry said smoothly as he moved to hit the lock once more.

'Maybe I should do this,' Claire quickly interrupted as she grabbed her grenade-launcher and aimed at the lock. She pulled the trigger and the grenade round broke the fence off its hinges and sent it flying into the wall.

'Score,' she said as the three made their way to the ladder.

'Are you the guys who were flying one of those big planes?' Henry asked casually as they descended a ladder.

'They're called "airships" you asshole!' Setzer said angrily.

'Shut up, Setzer,' Claire scolded. 'Anyway, yeah, we came here with your friends.'

'All of 'em?'

'Yeeeeep. Richard and Amarant and Setzer and I are in a band. Your friends just tagged along for the concert we're scheduled for.'

'Shouldn't you be playing right now?' Henry asked.

'We got time,' Claire said with a wink.

'Hehehe—wait, where is everyone?'

'Richard and Amarant took the frog, the robot, and Goku to look around for answers. The triangle-helmet guy and the stripper are guarding a prisoner of ours.'

Henry stopped going down the ladder. 'Wait, _who_ was guarding the prisoner?'

'The stripper and her boyfriend,' Claire said. 'Why?'

'Who is this prisoner?'

'Alfred Ashford, my sworn nemesis.'

'. . . ah.'

— — — _The Intercourse Maximus_ — — —

Richard and the gang approached the red airship, which was still able to fly, to find Maria enjoying a cigarrete outside. 'Hey boys,' she purred. 'Hey Frog.'

Frog looked at her coldly.

'Where's Alfred?' Richard asked.

Amarant scratched his head. 'Uh . . . where's Tom?'

Maria flashed them a grin. 'Oh you know . . . getting acquainted.'

'_GET OFF OF MY BROTHER YOU FOUL DEMON!_' came a high-pitched voice from inside.

'Run Alexia! Get help!' Alfred's voice screamed from inside.

'Man, whenever you do the girl voice you just kill it, you ruined the mood for me, man!' Tom shouted. Seconds later Alfred leapt out of the airship from the deck, missing a pair of pants and shivering profusely.

'W-W-Why?' he whimpered as he rocked himself back and forth. Richard snickered along with Crono and even Amarant. Robo booped with pity. Frog was angry.

'This young man could have been used for information!' he cried. 'Yet thou rapest him and breaketh his spirit! Hast thou thought of thy action's consequences?'

'Loosen up Frog, you will get your turn,' Robo assured with a pat on the back.

Tom moseyed out of the airship with an air of sadness. 'He's no Sephiroth,' he declared sadly as he stood next to Maria. 'He also knows next-to-nothing about this whole thing.'

'How do you know?' Robo beeped.

'I'm a Pyramid Head.'

'So?' Amarant said.

'We don't just rape your body. We rape your soul.' Tom paused. 'And your mind too,' he added quickly, as an afterthought.

'So Alfred's useless?' Richard said with disappointment. 'Tch, figures.' He shot the man in the head and teleported to the deck of the airship. 'Let's go find James, shall we?'

'I thought for a moment that we might need to track James down during his search for a Chip of Water,' Robo informed, 'so I put this tracking device on his jacket. Now I know precisely where he is!'

'Where is he then?' Tom asked.

Robo paused for a moment. 'Hmm.'

'What?'

'The signal appears to be lost. He must be underground or in a tunnel. Please try again later.'

Crono smacked Robo on the top of his frame.

'That does not work on robots,' the machine said dryly as it rolled into the airship with the rest of the gang.

— — — _The Sewers_ — — —

Henry, Claire, and Setzer came upon a huge mess of corpses, blood, and bullet-holes.

'Yeah, the Comedian was here,' Henry said. 'I see a couple of monsters were killed with a pipe . . . most with the shotgun . . . but it doesn't look like any of them were killed by a spade or pistol.'

'So?' Claire asked as she rolled a sewer monster into the water with her foot. It landed with a splash.

'That means James wasn't in this fight. But he went with them. Wait a second, that note!' Henry reread the note. 'Those sons of bitches kidnapped James! But how did Walter get loose from Jim's spear?'

—_Flashback—_

_Walter was hanging from the wall, bored out of his mind. He tried to pull the spear out once more, but it didn't give. He sighed and tapped his fingers in boredom._

'_Hey you!' he said suddenly to Jim._

'_Yes?' Jim asked in a proper tone._

'_What's the matter with you?'_

'_I am afraid my high has worn off.'_

_Walter thought for a moment. 'I know the location of a gigantic cache of weed,' he said._

'_Do you really?' Jim asked with a sigh. 'This is probably a trick.'_

'_No!' Walter said. 'I really do! I promise! My boss is a fake doctor, for fuck's sake!'_

'_Hmm . . . ahh what the hell.' Jim pulled the spear out and stood at attention. 'Lead the way man, you owe me this.'_

—_End Flashback—_

'I don't know what the hell is going on here,' Henry said hopelessly. 'All I can do is find Cheryl and James. That's the only thing I even care about at this point.'

'Hey, that's why we're here!' Setzer realized.

'Shut up!' Henry and Claire said at the same time.

Just then a sewer monster soared into Henry and knocked him into a roll. The two punched at each other blindly until they stopped rolling and stood up, disoriented.

'The hell was that for?' Henry asked.

'Orders,' the monster said as it hit him in the balls.

'FUCKAGGHASHAAAAAAAA!' our hero screamed in agony as he fell to his knees and curled up.

'Lit3!' Setzer cried as he raised his palm at the enemy. A lightning bolt shot out of his hand and curled back around to hit him in the face.

Claire rolled her eyes and shot a grenade at the sewer monster, which blew up into tiny bits. The force shell-shocked Henry and knocked him on his ass.

'I HATE MY LIFE!' he yelled as he stood up, holding his nuts and his head.

Setzer got to his feet, his hair standing up from the nasty shock he'd given himself. 'Sorry about that,' he said. 'Hey, look, bloody footprints!'

Sure enough there was a set of bloody footprints leading further down the sewer, one larger than the other. Henry knew instantly who they belonged to.

'After them!' He took off down the dark sewers, Claire and Setzer on his heels. As they ran a whole flock of sewer monsters leapt out of the water and pursued them!

'It's okay, it's okay, it's okay,' Setzer told himself over and over. 'It's okay, it's okay.'

'Is he gonna be alright?' Henry asked Claire.

'He's afraid of slimy things. And the dark. And sewers . . . well, I'm sure he'll be fine. He may be stupid as hell but he's a lucky bastard.'

'It seems that it's only the lucky people who get anything done in life,' Henry sighed. The trio sped down the sewers, deep into the dark bowels of Silent Hill, following the bloody trail of the Comedian and Rorschach.

_To Be Continued . . ._

_What is Walter planning to do with James? Will Henry, Claire, and Setzer ever catch up to Rorschach and the Comedian? Is Walter lying about the weed? Find out next time, in Chapter 12 of the Nameless Parody!_

_EF: Meow._

_Richard: Woof._

_Amarant: Moo._

_Henry: Potato._

_EF: Anyway, fun aside, it's time for Quality Time With Richard Brainfart Even Though Henry and Amarant Answer Questions More Than He Does!_

_Richard: Shut up!_

_Henry: Only Amarant answers more questions, anyway._

_Richard: Yeah!_

_EF: We only have one question anyway, so just shut your asses up and shut up._

_Richard: Lay it on me, broseph!_

_EF: C'est à partir monsieur Psychoburner420, who asks the following: "_Dear Richard, since when you were alive you were an almighty sex god, did you ever know, want to know, or get anywhere near the hideously depraved Dahlia Gillespie?_"_

_Amarant: Why? Just . . . why?_

_Henry: You bastard! Why would you ever even want to know this?_

_Richard: Unfortunately for me, I know Dahlia all-too-well. Me and her have had a little romp or two, if'n you know what I mean. That was back when she looked human._

_Henry: That does not justify it in any way, Richard, in ANY WAY._

_Richard: Look man, I'm Richard Brainfart! If it's hot, I will hit it, regardless of how horrible it will look in the future or how depraved it is now!_

_Amarant: Dude, she raped Tom. TOM. RAPED. BY DAHLIA._

_Richard: She's a spirited one. If it makes you feel better, I'd never do it again. Ever. Not now. She's just . . . she looks like a leather purse draped around a skeleton and painted white._

_Henry: The accuracy of that statement is sadly . . . accurate._

_Richard: So yes, in conclusion, I have had a fling now and then. But I will never go back to that gaping chasm, ever, ever, ever, ever again._

_Amarant: Promise?_

_Henry: Yeah, promise?_

_EF: Please promise, I don't think I can look at you the same if you don't._

_Richard: WHY DOES NO ONE EVER REMEMBER THAT MY PENIS IS NOT FUNCTIONAL! I COULDN'T IF I WANTED TO! SO SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND EAT YOUR BISCUITS!_

_Henry: Geez, spaz!_

_Amarant: Calm down man._

_Richard: Stupid morans and your moranic ways._

_EF: Well that wraps up this chapter. Keep your eyes peeled for chapter 12! It's just a click away!_

_Amarant: . . . what?_

_EF: (shrug) I dunno._

_Henry: Don't make any promises you can't keep!_

_Richard: Or do, it makes the disappointment funnier!_

_EF: Everyone shut up! Chapter 12 will be up, just like the past three or four have been up in close succession! End of story! Or chapter, whatever!_


	12. Chapter 12: Private Investigations

Chapter 12: Private Investigations

In the ruined heap that was the _Tyrannosaurus Sex_, Bubastis awoke alone. She shook her mane and looked around for anyone else. Distantly the events of the airship battle drifted back to her head.

— _Flashing Back —_

'_So we're completely defenseless,' Claire laughed morbidly. 'Just great. Juuuust great. Setzer, if I die, I will kill you.'_

_Setzer frowned and focused on flying the airship._

'_This is a much faster ship than that piece of scrap,' Bubastis said, referring to the _Intercourse Maximus_. 'Try ramming him.'_

'_That would never work!' the gambler replied. 'It's not like this ship has turbo or anything!'_

'_What about that switch labeled "Turbo"?' Claire asked, pointing to a switch . . . well you get it._

_Setzer laughed. 'Ladies, please, you know nothing about flying airships.'_

'_Really Setzer?' Bubastis asked. 'Then why are you only using two of the three engines this thing has?'_

'_Because,' Setzer said, '. . . because.'_

'_Do you know what you're doing?' Tom asked suspiciously as he and Maria tried to not get thrown around the ship._

'_I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!' the silver-haired man yelled in fury. 'I have taken so many courses it's not funny!'_

'_How many on flying?' Maria asked dryly._

'_Two or three,' Setzer replied, dead serious._

'_We're done for,' Claire moaned as she facepalmed the pilot._

_Just then it got very dark. Setzer hit some switches and both of the engines shut off._

'_Wha–why did you do that?' Bubastis asked._

'_Because I can't see! Why else would I turn on the headligh—oh.' Setzer screamed shrilly as the ship began to plummet toward a building._

'_FUCK!' Claire cried as she punched the 'Turbo' switch. The airship's engines roared to life, spewing flames of every colour before punching the airship through the building. Claire saw a man run toward the edge of the roof only to be launched across town by the impact._

'_That's Henry!' Maria cried._

_By now Setzer had plowed through two buildings and corrected their course, bringing them into the sky. Their speed was intense._

'_Told you I knew what I was doing!' he said with a grin as the turbo ran out and the ship plummeted to the ground . . . again._

_Tom grabbed Maria and ran to the deck of the ship. 'BAIL!' he wailed as the two leapt overboard._

_Eileen, ignored by everyone, finally woke up in the back of the bus and threw a hissy-fit. 'Why is people screaming?' she demanded with a sour look on her face. 'I need my beauty sleep!'_

_The bed Eileen was sleeping on slid downward, along with all the other beds, about to hit her and knock her to the front of the ship in a very fatal manner._

_Bubastis leapt forward and knocked Eileen out of the way just as the bus hit a building and stopped with its front over the edge, slanted, and Setzer and Claire were knocked out the front of the ship, flying through the missing windshield and plummeting to the street below._

_Author: WHY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! You saved Eileen, you dirty BITCH! I HATE YOU BUBASTIS!_

— _End Backflash — _

Bubastis meowed. 'I guess we were knocked out by the impact.' She looked to see Eileen was out cold, snoring like a Snorlax with a deviated septum. 'At least she's alright.'

Author: I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR THIS!

'Shut the fuck up. Anyway, I should get her to the ground. Who knows when this bus—' Just then the bus slid from the building and crashed to the ground.

Eileen flew up from her sleep with murder in her eyes. 'I was dreaming about Henry!' she fumed as she turned on the author.

Author: I love you Eileen.

Eileen beamed and jumped up and down. 'I knew it! Heehee! _I am liked by the author, I am liked by the author_!' she sang as she danced off the bus.

Author: Dumb bitch.

Bubastis walked up to Eileen. 'Madame, are you injured?'

Eileen's eyes grew wide as she clasped her hands together. 'It's a kitty cat!' she said in awe as she petted Bubastis on the head.

'Madame, stop. Stop that . . . stop . . . oooh . . . . oohoohohoooo . . .' Bubastis rolled over limply and let Eileen pet her belly. 'Ooooooooooh . . .'

Just then Ozymandias leapt before them and raised his fist in anger. 'I've finally caught up with you, you bitch!' he cried. 'I'm gonna kick your—is she petting you?'

'Yeeeeaaaaah,' Bubastis said in ecstasy.

Ozymandias frowned and began to tear up. 'But you never let me pet you.'

'Because you're a dumbass.'

The villain began to cry gently. 'I-I created you!' he cried as he fell to his knees. 'And this . . . th-this is how you re-p-pay me? You're . . .' He broke down into tears. He wept for a minute before his phone rang and he pulled it out, having received a text message from Kaufmann.

'**Quit being a pusy n captur them**,' it read.

'Right!' he declared as he stood and wiped the tears away from his eyes. He flew at Eileen with his fist raised.

'I have the author to protect me!' Eileen declared.

Author: Yeeaaahhhhhhh . . .

Ozymandias punched Eileen so hard in the face that she flew into the bus and dented the wall, falling limply to the ground.

'Well then,' Bubastis said with a sigh. 'I yield.'

— — — _The Sewers!_ — — —

'Is that the ladder?' Setzer cried as a ladder came into view. Henry looked at him like he was retarded and shook his head in disgust.

'Yeah the Raccoon City sewers were a lot more difficult,' Claire said just before ten sewer monsters dropped down in front of them. They were . . . TRAPPED!11

'I guess this is the end,' Setzer whimpered. He pulled out a pack of cards and started crying. 'I never did get to go to Vegas.'

Claire looked at him. 'Yes you did.'

'Oh yeah,' Setzer remembered as he looked into space, smiling at the memory.

'Yeah, I have not gone through the shit I've gone through to die right here, sorry,' Henry said as he swung at a sewer monster with his axe and spun around, cleaving another one, killing both in one blow. One leapt at him but he wound up and knocked it across the sewer with his charge-attack.

'You're right! I've still got some fight left in me!' Setzer cried as he spread his cards out in a fan and threw them, each card slicing clean through a monster and killing ALL of them. Henry's jaw dropped.

'You weren't kidding about him,' he said to Claire.

She shrugged and pointed to the ladder. 'We're still being chased, so get a move on.'

'Roger!' Henry saluted as he ascended the ladder, followed by Setzer, followed by Claire. Once on the surface, the three stopped to consider their plight. Well, Claire and Henry did, Setzer was laying on the ground, kissing the grass and rubbing his face into it while crying like a baby.

'Okay, now I need to find the others. Where would I go if I were a homicidal superhero and . . . a second homicidal superhero . . .' Henry mused.

Claire noticed a map nearby. 'Hmm, maybe they went to one of these buildings.' She drew a circle around the hotel, bar, and store.

'I say we split up and check each.'

'I agree. SETZER!'

Setzer leapt off the ground and sprinted to them in the span of four seconds. 'What is it?' he asked.

Henry thought for a moment. 'Setzer can check out the store and the bar. Claire and I will "inspect" the motel,' He winked at Claire.

'Yeah no,' the woman said bluntly.

'Okay fine, I'm gonna go check the bar for . . . personal reasons,' Henry said as he pointed to it on the map. 'Claire, where do you want?'

'What about what I want?' Setzer huffed.

'Shut up you diva,' Claire ordered. 'I'll take the store.'

'That leaves me with the motel. Great friends you are.' Setzer frowned. 'Where do we go when we're done?'

'Hmm,' Henry said as he thought for a minute. 'How about this boat?' he said as he pointed to the dock.

Claire looked at the map in confusion. 'What boat?'

'That one.' Henry pointed at a point on the map designated as a dock.

'There's no boat on the map.'

Henry scratched his head. 'Huh. I'm sure there's a boat there anyway. What the hell else is a dock for?'

'True . . .'

'Okay so we meet up at the dock,' Setzer said. 'Got it. Since I have the biggest and most confusing part of the map, I'll get started right away!'

And so they all went their separate ways.

— — — _Claire's Story_ — — —

Claire jogged up to the entrance of the Indian Runner and peered inside through the doors. She saw a taller guy with a bunch of military-grade equipment on him, scouring the shelves with a sort-of grumpy disposition. He was wearing a small mask over his eyes, and his hair was greying.

She kicked open the doors and raised her grenade launcher. 'Freeze!' she ordered. 'Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?'

The Comedian turned around and grinned widely at the sight of her. 'Who are _you_, dame?' he said as he put a cigar in his mouth and took a step forward. 'The name's Eddie. You can call me the Comedian, though.'

'Not another step, Eddie,' she said bluntly. 'Henry's looking for you and Rorschach.'

'Really?' Eddie said, eyes lighting up. 'Well Rorschach's down at the motel. We're looking for some sign of where James's kidnapper went to. And drugs for some reason. Rorschach is adamant that there are drugs around here somewhere . . .'

Claire walked around and inspected the place closely. 'There's a safe here,' she noticed. She blew it up with her grenade launcher, revealing a gigantic cache of drugs. 'Found 'em.'

Eddie walked around the counter and cut off her exit, grinning widely. 'That's all fine and dandy,' he said. 'But what I'm more worried about is what we're gonna do about you . . . more specifically, your fine body . . .' He took a step forward and began to unzip his pants.

Claire dropkicked him in the face and then punched him hard in the dick, sending him flying backward into the wall, leaving a gigantic hole where he hit. He got his balance and growled at her.

'No one tells the Comedian no!' He lunged at her, preparing to overpower her with his brute strength.

She roundhouse-kicked him over the counter and into the shelves, knocking half of them over. He got to his feet in a daze.

'Tch fine,' he sighed. 'You're not my type anyway.' He shuffled out of the room sadly, Claire following him with her gun trained on his head. 'Where's Henry?'

'I'm supposed to meet him at the docks,' Claire said. 'And I plan on doing so, with or without you. So let's get a move on.'

'Feisty!' Claire reared her leg back to kick him again. 'NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I'LL GO, I'LL GO!'

And go they did!

— — — _Henry's Story_ — — —

'_Riders on the storm_,' our protagonist sang in a deep voice as he approached the entrance to Annie's Bar. He opened it up and took a look around the strangely illuminated bar. I know, it's odd, isn't it, since the power is out, and yet this place was lit up like a Dutch brothel.

He turned the corner and saw that doctor, Kaufmann, laying on the ground with a weird monster with a tube-head and enormous claws on top of him.

'Please!' the monster cried. 'Please, Kaufmann, she misses you so much! Ever since you quit, she's hasn't known what to do!'

'I don't care! Stop trying to get me to go back to her! She was just using me, and I'm NEVER rejoining her!' Kaufmann yelled. 'Why can't you idiots get that through your heads?'

'We don't have heads!'

'Oh shut the fuck up.'

Henry took aim with his hunting rifle and blasted the monster off of Kaufmann. Its muscles relaxed and it farted out of its tube-head before it died. Henry lowered the rifle and whistled. 'Daaaamn that was a good shot!'

'You!' Kaufmann muttered to himself as he stood and brushed himself off. 'Hmph. We meet again.'

'Huh?'

'It's me, Kaufmann.'

Henry tried to remember this man, but he just could not. 'I'm sorry, have we met?'

'Oh yeah, you had a concussion,' Kaufmann remembered. 'Ahem, I'm Dr. Michael Kaufmann. I'm a doctor. Anyway, did you find a way out?'

'No . . . I'm looking for my daughter. That's the last thing on my mind. Though I bet Richard can just fly me out in an airship or something.'

'What?'

'Nothing. Hey, look, you should be more careful. Though I'm not sure I've encountered those things before. Still, get a gun, you goon.'

'I have a gun!' Kaufmann retorted. 'It's out of bullets!'

'Then get a pipe or something.'

'Are you seriously telling ME how to survive a Silent Hill game? I've been in more than you!'

'No you haven't,' Henry said.

'Uh, I was in 0rigins and the first game, so I have a better track record with this shit than you do!'

'Yeah but in 0rigins you appeared, what, twice? And in this one you appeared three times at the most. But I was the player character in SH4! I know my shit!' Henry jabbed Kaufmann with his finger. 'Most players KNOW that I could kick everyone else's ass! I have a fucking AXE!'

'So did Harry!'

'Who?'

This exchange continued for several minutes. Suddenly Kaufmann's cell phone rang 'Mr. Blue Sky' by ELO. He answered it gruffly.

'Walter?' he asked tiredly. He then looked at Henry, who cocked his eyebrow with suspicion. 'Err, I mean, Dave. What do you want, Dave?'

'My name is Walter!' came a very noticeable cry from the phone. Henry put two-and-two together.

'You son of a bitch!' he growled as he raised the hunting rifle to Kaufmann's head.

'Let me explain!' the doctor negotiated. He raised a finger before he began speaking, but then grabbed Henry's hunting rifle's barrel and yanked it out of his hands, taking off toward the motel.

'YOU SON OF A BITCH!' Henry screamed in absolute fury as he pulled out the axe and sprinted after Kaufmann.

— — — _Setzer's Story_ — — —

Setzer walked up to the motel and noticed that one of the doors was wide open. He briskly skipped up to it and peeked inside. Within was a masked man in a trenchcoat, wearing a hat, rummaging through drawers and tearing off bed covers.

'JAMES!' he cried in horror and anguish. 'I WILL FIND YOU! COME TO ME JAMES, I CAN FEEL YOU AROUND HERE!'

'You—' Setzer began.

'WHERE IS HE?' the stranger roared as he spun and tackled Setzer without a moment's hesitation. 'WHERE ARE THE DRUGS? WHO WAS PHONE?'

Setzer looked at him in terror and didn't say anything. After a few minutes Rorschach got off of him and shook his head.

'Sorry about that,' he apologized.

'I shit my pants,' Setzer said quietly.

'There's a bathroom in there.'

'Thanks.'

— — — _Minutes later_ — — —

'So are you that Rorschach dude?' Setzer asked.

'Dude!' Rorschach cried. 'Not while you're on the can!'

'Fine.'

— — — _More minutes later_ — — —

Setzer exited the bathroom and stretched. 'I feel like a new man!' he declared happily. 'Okay, so where were we?'

'Yeah, I'm Rorschach,' Rorschach said. 'Who are you?'

'I'm with Henry and Claire!' the gambler announced proudly. 'We, too, search for the one known as James.'

'Then I guess you can help me search this motel for clues.'

Setzer frowned. 'Oh no, man. I don't do that kind of stuff.'

'What do you mean?'

'I'm a lone wolf. I go my own way.'

'There are kind of a shitload of monsters all over town and weird shit going down every five minutes. I think it's smarter to stick together, you ass!'

Setzer laughed and jumped on the bed. 'You might say that, but . . .' Suddenly music began to play out of nowhere. 'It's as I always say:'

He leapt out the window and stood in the parking lot. '_I was told a million times of all the troubles in my way — but you grow a littlewiser, little better every day!_'

He began to march around. '_But if I crossed a million rivers and I rode a million miles — then I should be where I started: bread and butter for a smile!_'

He ran back to Rorschach and put his hand on his shoulder. '_And I sold a million mirrors in a shop in Alley Way — but I never saw my face in any window any day!_' He leapt back into the parking lot and raised his fist to the sky.

'_Well they say your folks are telling you "Be a superstar" — but I tell you just be satisfied, to stay right where you are!_' He leapt onto the roof of a car and turned to an irritated Rorschach.

'_**Keep yourself alive!**_' he sang. '_**Keep yourself aliii-ee-iiive! It'll take you all your time and money, honey, you'll—**_' Suddenly a grappling hook hit him in the head and knocked him to the concrete. He moaned loudly from the pain.

'There are so many things wrong with you singing that song right now it's ridiculous. Get up, and help me search the damn room!' Rorschach grabbed the gambler by his collar and hoisted him up.

'Fine,' the man huffed as the two went to the room.

'_We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind!_' sang a monkey being followed by a group of monsters that was passing down the road in a large musical dance group.

'What the fuck!' Setzer sulked as Rorschach dragged him in to the room and slammed the door.

'There's gotta be clues around here somewhere!' he growled as he lifted up the bed and inspected it.

Setzer looked over by the wall. 'This looks moved.' He nudged a cabinet with his foot and slid it across the floor. It revealed a key that was just out of reach.

'We need to—' Rorschach began before Setzer cast Meteor which blew the roof off of the motel but also crashed into the small part of the floor where the key was, making it accessible. 'Hmph.'

'I'm not stupid!' Setzer said bitterly as he bent down and hit his head on the cabinet, then fell against the wall in surprise, hitting his head once more and sending him to the ground in a daze.

The vigilante made a weird noise in disgust as he grabbed the key. 'This is a motorcycle key . . . we gotta find this motorcycle.'

'Hmm. Where are we gonna find a motorcycle?'

— — — _Seven minutes of walking, yelling, crying, smacking, kissing, and tripping afterward — — — _

'There's the motorcycle!' Setzer announced as the two found a . . . well, a motorcycle.

'Hmm,' Rorschach said as he inspectigated the scene. 'Looks like dust was removed from this part right here . . .' He unlocked the cap on the gas tank and found a phial of red liquid wrapped in a trash bag. 'What the—'

'What the—who the hell are you?' came Dr. Kaufmann's out-of-breath voice as he walked in and looked behind himself several times.

'I'm Set—' Setzer moved to say as he held out his hand, but Rorschach dove at Kaufmann like he always does, about to get his interrogation on. Kaufmann ducked and the man ran into the wall, hitting his head and knocking himself out cold. Kaufmann turned to Setzer, extremely angered.

The gambler flinched and held his hands up like a complete coward to shield a blow that wasn't even coming. Kaufmann aimed the rifle at Setzer and growled 'You're a complete bitch. What are you even doing here?'

Setzer just kinda whimpered.

'You're not worth the energy required to pull the trigger,' the doctor said as he bent down to grab the red liquid from Rorschach.

'PALM OF FURY!' Setzer screamed as he slammed his palm into Kaufmann's face and grabbed the rifle from him. Kaufmann nabbed the phial as he fell down, then crawled to the doorway and was gone. Setzer tried to aim the rifle but he dropped it and it discharged, waking Rorschach up.

'What happened?' he hissed as he looked around. 'You let him get away?'

'No!' Setzer denied avidly. 'Yes.'

'Ugh,' the vigilante said as he stood and walked out of the room. 'What the hell did we even do that for?'

'Let's just meet Henry and Claire at the boat house so I can play my gig and get back to Terra and her fine ass,' the silver-haired gambler said, very annoyed. Rorschach nodded, and the two went on their way.

— — — _Henry_ — — —

Henry had lost Kaufmann after a huge group of gangster monkeys tried to steal his wallet, but he gave them Kaufmann's wallet so that solved that problem rather quickly. Deciding that he didn't really need the rifle, he made for the docks as fast as his little legs would carry him, hoping it would be just Claire waiting for him.

He was bee-boppin' along, whistlin' 'Megalomaniac' by Incubus, when suddenly the ground beneath him rumbled.

'DUCK AND COVER!' the man screamed as he fell to his knees and put his hands over his head. The concrete changed to grate before his very eyes, and the siren began to wail. It also became outrageously hot.

'This town sucks,' he said dryly as he stood and ran for the docks. Suddenly a gang of dogs galloped up behind him.

'Yo b-boy!' their leader yelled. 'You think you can just kill our friends and get away with it?'

'Not this shit again,' Henry said in despair as he put his head in his hands.

'We're gonna kick your ass!' The dogs ran at him.

He turned around and darted down the street toward the docks. 'PLEASE LET THERE BE A BOAT!' he wailed at the top of his lungs as he ran (from what had to be fifty very angry canines) toward the end of the docks.

_To Be Continued . . ._

_Is there a boat? Did Kaufmann get away? Will the missing ever be found? Don't miss the super exciting next chapter of the Nameless Parody 4!_

_EF: Well, it's time—oh wait, we don't have any questions this week._

_Richard: What? How? Who? When?_

_Amarant: It's not that surprising, really._

_Henry: I have a question._

_Richard: Shoot._

_Henry: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I could REALLY USE the AIRSHIP right now!_

_Richard: Henry, bud . . . the plotline has no power here, and we do not speak of it._

_Amarant: Yeah, it can't touch us while we're in here._

_Richard: Watch._

_(A bang is heard)_

_Henry: RICHARD HOLY—_

_Richard: Yeah, I just killed Amarant. Next chapter, he'll be perfectly fine. He'll remember everything and suffer no consequences! The Question Booth bestows immortality! AHAHAHA!_

_EF: Oh hey guys, I was afk. Just wanna let you know that the Booth is broke, so it's kind of in the plot flow right now. I'm working on it._

_Henry: . . ._

_Richard: . . ._

_Amarant: (I'm so dead right now it's mindblowing)_

_Henry: Richard, you just . . ._

_Richard: . . . killed . . ._

_EF: . . . . Amarant?_

**Tip: Richard's a complete assfuck who totally doesn't deserve to be the coolest guy in the story. He probably diddles little boys in his free time.**

_Amarant: Richard, you son of a bitch._

_Henry: Yes! Continues for the win!_

_Richard: Hey Tip Guy. You can get away with that with Townshend, but you ever even so much as look at me one more time, and I'll break your neck and shove your head up your ass. Got it?_

**Tip: . . . yes sir.**

_Amarant: No one even cares that I was just killed?_

_Henry: Shut up, no one voted for you._

_Amarant: (sigh)_

_EF: Anyway, well then. While I fix the boothe and write the next chapter, you guys just sit tight. More Nameless Parody goodness is coming your way!_


	13. Chapter 13: On a Boat

Chapter 13: On A Boat

Claire and the Comedian entered the boathouse to find Setzer and Rorschach already there, the vigilante very close to killing the gambler.

'Rorschach!' Eddie cried.

'Eddie,' Rorschach grunted.

'Claire!' Setzer sighed with relief.

'Setzer,' Claire sighed with resignation.

'Henry!' came a voice from the door which neither duo had entered from. It wasn't Henry, however. It was Dahlia. She was wearing a bra and panties, and if I used further details you would wish for me to die a horrible death.

'What the fuck is that monster?' Setzer screamed as he pulled back his arm to throw a card at her. Rorschach grabbed his hand and smacked him in the face.

'KILL IT!' the Comedian screamed in a shrill, girly voice as he lifted up the shotgun. Claire snatched the gun and glared at him.

'Is Henry here yet?' the old hag asked with a sad frown of sadness.

'No,' Claire answered. 'Put some clothes on you weird bitch.'

'Tch,' Dahlia said with annoyance as she left to change into something more . . . less disgusting.

— — — _Meanwhile_ — — —

'BOAT! BOAT! WHERE ARE YOU?' Henry wailed as he tore ass down the docks. Finally he spotted a small boat parked—I mean docked—nearby.

A flying monster swooped down and hit him in the head, sending him onto his stomach and causing him to roll a little.

'Kick his ass, Jerry!' one of the dogs yelled as the flyer came around for another hit. Our protagonist stood up.

'I don't have—' Henry began to yell but got smacked again and sent onto his ass.

'Fuck him up!' came another dog's cry.

'Seriously, this is bullshi—' Henry got hit again and flew on his back. He groaned from annoyance.

'Do it for Johnny!' a dog said. The other dogs looked at him and growled. He promptly whimpered and slinked into the shadows.

The flyer came back around and moved to dive at Henry for what was sure to be a killing blow, when it was met with an axe sailing into its chest and knocking it out of the sky. Needless to say it died.

'You motherfucker!' the dogs screamed as they reared back to charge Henry.

'Yeah yeah, fuck you guys!' the brunette answered as he charged the boat and leapt over the gap between it and the docks, landing with intense momentum and plowing through the doorway, tearing the door off its hinges.

'After him!' the dogs' leader cried, and they charged at the door but were repelled by an invisible force. 'Dammit! We can't go through doors!'

'But it's just a hole,' said another dog bluntly.

'That doesn't matter! There's a concentrated field of energy filling the doorway which is of the same charge as the energies within our own physiologies, therefore repelling any attempts we make to enter the room!'

'But we can_ see_ him! He is RIGHT THERE. LAUGHING. Shit, he's _dancing_!'

'Can you hear him?' the leader asked.

'. . . no.'

'Exactly. We'll have to wait for him to come out.'

'This game is stupid.'

'. . . you're stupid!'

— — — _In the Boat_ — — —

'_Here I am, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!_' Henry screamed at the dogs, who were strangely talking without sound, as he did a jig in front of the doorway.

'Henry, what the hell are you doing?' Claire asked from the doorway behind him.

'Gloating,' Henry said without looking away from his current task of grabbing his crotch and and mouthing _Come get it _to the dogs outside, who were just watching him lazily now.

'Slightly more pressing matters at hand right now.'

'Tch, fine.' Henry flipped the dogs off and followed Claire into the boathouse bridge.

'Henry!' the Comedian yelled as he moved to hug said man. Rorschach grabbed him by his collar and yanked him back.

'I see we're all . . .' Henry began before he noticed something was missing. 'Hey . . .'

He took his hunting rifle swiftly from Setzer and glared at the gambler before turning back to the group. 'I see we're all here.'

'Actually James is missing,' Rorschach said dryly.

'Oh yeah! What happened?'

'Walter Sullivan took him. Idk y but lol we shuld fnd him rite?'

Henry stared at him. 'What?'

'We don't have time to dick around here, Townshend, we gotta find James!' Rorschach yelled.

Just then Dahlia came in, fully clothed. 'This better, skank?' she said to Claire.

'Honey, nothing you wear can be described as anything short of awful, but at least the sagging isn't visible,' Claire replied.

'(Bitch) Well then, if we're ready, can I begin acting crazy?'

Everyone looked at each other and talked for a bit before unanimously deciding 'Yes'.

'Okay.' Dahlia's eyes suddenly changed and she seemed much edgier. 'A DEMON!' she screamed. 'There's a muthafuckin' DEMON changin' shit all up in this bitch!'

'I thought you said crazy,' Rorschach said, confused.

'Bitch, you better shut yo ass the fuck up!' Dahlia said as she raised her fist.

'You were saying something about a DEMON,' Henry said as he put his head in his hand with tired annoyance.

'Oh right, tanks dawg,' she said, pounding her chest and throwing Henry a peace sign. 'Anyway, there's dis DEMON, ya dig? Dis big, beefy ass muthafucka who wants ta swalla up dis here land. I totally called dis shit fo realz, but no one lissens to Dahlia, aww fuck nah. And da icin' on da fuckin' cake is dat dis swalla-in' is almost done, ya dig? Dat demon only gots two more places ta put his mark, da Mark o' Samael. Ya'll followin' me?'

'Yeah,' Henry and Claire said tiredly.

'No,' Rorschach, the Comedian, and Setzer all replied.

'They don't matter,' Henry said, 'keep going.'

'Yeah, well,' Dahlia continued, 'when dat Mark is done, ya'll gone be in a WORLD o' shit, cuz da martyrs, ya see, dem martyrs, dey be burnin' in da fires o' Hell, man, and, and da dead's gone be walkin' and da fuckin' sun's gone be blocked by a big-ass darkness, dawg. Simply put, dawg, WE ALL FUCKED!'

'So all we have to do,' Henry deduced, 'is stop this DEMON. And once we stop this DEMON, all's good and I can get my daughter and my friend back, then go bang her?' He motioned toward Claire.

'Yeppers,' Dahlia said.

'How do we stop him?' Rorschach growled.

'Him? Dawg, you wack, dis demon's a girl, dawg, a young thang in a blue dress.'

'Her!' Henry cried. 'That skanky bitch!'

'She didn't get that from me,' Dahlia said normally.

'What?'

'Nuthin'. Lissen, dawg, you gotta stop her or yo daughta's as good as dead, boyyyy.'

'What? Cheryl?' Henry stepped forward and shouldered the rifle. 'Tell me what I have to do then!'

'Dat fuckin' lighthouse, dawg, ova dere, dats da next spot, an afta dat, da amusement park. Go to dose places and fuck her bitch ass up!'

'I'm not really sure what's going on here,' Claire said in mild confusion. 'But if there's a little girl's life in danger, I guess I can lend a hand. I mean, I did save that bitch Sherry Birken.'

'Didn't she get kidnapped like, days after that?' Setzer said.

'Yeah, ungrateful whore. Anyway, I'm in, Henry. I say we split up and check both places separately.'

'Oh, because the town is full of monsters and looks considerably more hellish, splitting up is a wonderful idea!' Henry said sarcastically.

'You get hurt, I'll make it up to you,' she answered with a wink. 'Okay, hmm . . . Setzer, I guess you're with me, two can go faster than three.'

'That leaves me with these two . . .' Rorschach and the Comedian perked up and readied their weapons.

'Oh, and uh, use the Flauros,' Dahlia said as she slipped out of the boat.

— — — _Meanwhile_ — — —

'Mmm! Mmm-hmm-hmm-hm-hmmhmmmm!' James said in an effort to speak to Cheryl, who was right beside him.

'Uncle James?' the little girl asked.

'Mmm?'

'Why are you talking like that?'

'Because my mouth is taped.'

'No it's not.'

James licked his lips. 'You're right! It's not! I'm free! Let's get outta here!' He leapt to his feet and fell promptly to the ground because his legs and arms were actually tied.

'Uncle James, is daddy gonna get here soon? I'm scared . . .'

James thought. 'Well, considering that the town is filled with monsters and Henry is but a single person, the chances of him successfully fighting them off are slim. Take into consideration his lack of knowledge on our current situation, or that of the area's topography, and we can see that it would take him a significant amount of time to find us, even without monsters.

'Also, remember that we are in a temporal anomaly, which theoretically lies outside of the standard definition of reality. Assuming that the kidnapper wanted to hide us from Henry's searching, they would simply make this dimension inaccessible. Unless they have no power of such occurrences, in which they would use misinformation to distract him from our proper location, buying them time to accomplish their schemes for which we are necessary, and thus dispose of us accordingly before he even realizes where we are.'

Cheryl looked at him in terror.

'I mean, he'll be here soon, sweety,' the blonde said with a smile.

Dahlia just then walked up to them.

'It's almost done!' she said. 'Soon, I'll be able to merge Cheryl and Alessa, and birth Wallace, and gain access to the Twilight Zone, and thus the **Ultimate Powah**!'

James and Cheryl gasped.

'Your roles are almost over!' the old woman said. 'Well . . .' she looked at James. '. . . your role's been over since you got here. So I guess I don't need you anymore. There's no chance we can be stopped.' She beckoned someone to come over to her.

'Yes, ma'am?' Walter asked Dahlia as he hefted James in the air, the man giggling the whole time. His eyes were bloodshot to the extreme.

'That young tramp is going to be at the amusement park soon. Take her out. It'll piss Henry off and make him more prone to stop Alessa.'

'And that moron that's with her?'

'. . . keep him alive. That'll piss everyone off.'

— — — _Lighthouse_ — — —

'I'm so glad we're together again!' the Comedian said. 'Who needs girls? The Fab Three kick more ass anyway!'

'Shut up,' Rorschach said as the trio climbed the stairs.

At the top they found Alessa drawing a symbol on the ground with chalk. Orange, glowy chalk. Actually it may have been a broken glo-stick but that is neither here nor there.

'Hold the phone there bitch!' Henry said as he lifted the hunting rifle to shoot her. She phased out of existence without a word.

Just then a figure fell to the roof hard in front of them, landing on one knee and standing up menacingly. It was—

'Adrian!' Rorschach growled.

'I feel strangely afraid,' the Comedian mused.

'Henry . . . give me the Flauros,' the villain said calmly.

'Hellz no!' the hero yelled angrily.

'I think you may wish to reconsider,' he said with a smirk as two more figures fell to the roof with him. One was a weird lynx-cat-tiger-panther-demon. The other was . . .

'Henry!' Eileen screamed. She then giggled to herself. 'You look cute with a gun!'

'So . . .' Ozymandias said. 'The Flauros?'

'You come here to get the Flauros, and use Eileen and a complete stranger as a bargaining chip?' Henry asked flatly. 'You, sir, are a dumbass. I'm keeping the Flauros.'

'Well then. Plan B.' Ozymandias sailed at Henry and punched him in the face, knocking him back.

Eddie let out a strange scream of anger and excitement and threw a punch at the assailant. Ozymandias caught it and unleashed a flurry of punches at the Comedian's torso until the man was in a daze.

'It's all . . . one big joke . . .' the Comedian said. 'Because . . . this . . . is a parody.'

'A parody?' Ozymandias asked. 'A parody? THIS. IS. SILENT HILL!' He kicked Eddie off the roof of the lighthouse. The Comedian was lost in the darkness of the night.

'The Flauros, Henry!' the villain called as he turned around and closed in on the now recovering Henry.

Suddenly he was hit in the head with a grappling hook and stunned. And there came Rorschach, screaming like an animal, barreling into the other vigilante and carrying him over the edge of the lighthouse where Eddie had also went over.

Henry took aim but found no target to shoot. 'What the hell?' he huffed. 'I didn't get a chance to . . . that's lame.' He turned to Bubastis and Eileen. 'Maybe Setzer got killed by an assassin as well . . . in that case, it'll be me and Claire. So you guys will be a major cockblock. But I can't leave you here alone. Hmmmm. . . save you . . . bang Claire . . . save you . . . bang Claire . . .'

— — — _Two minutes later_ — — —

'Thank you for saving us, sir,' Bubastis said.

'Yeah,' Henry said dryly as they exited the lighthouse. The trio reached the boathouse in silence. 'Huh. Claire hasn't come back yet.'

'Alessa will reach the amusement park soon, and Dahlia still has agents,' Bubastis warned. 'You should hurry if you want to stop her.'

'Yeah. Let me get there on time . . .' He turned to Bubastis and Claire. 'I think I should go alone, it'll be faster. Can you do me a favor?'

'What?'

'Can we have sex?' Eileen asked suddenly.

'No. Wait . . . no,' Henry said sadly. 'Wait . . . dammit no! I need you guys to find Richard and everyone! Seriously. I got a feeling this ain't gonna be over til one more major character dies, and I think the chances of me surviving are greater if Frog is present.'

'I will find Richard for you. Just hurry up and stop her!' Bubastis assured.

'Oh trust me, that Alessa is a dead bitch!' Henry ran out of the boat house.

Bubastis paused for a moment. 'But . . . Dahlia is the . . . he doesn't know. Fuck.' She turned to Eileen. 'Eileen do you have a cell phone?'

'No but I have a third nipple! Wanna see it?' the woman replied.

Bubastis put her head in her paws. 'This is gonna end badly for everyone . . .'

— — — _Outside_ — — —

Henry stepped outside, prepared to face a swarm of dogs, when he found them all slaughtered brutally, bloody pulp splashed all over the docks and bone fragments littered everywhere.

On the ground was a blue note. It read:

'_These guys were asking for you. In case you decided to come this way, I went ahead and killed all the monsters. Hope you make it worth my while ;) ;) ;) ;)_ — Claire'.

'I . . . I love this woman,' Henry said. He noticed a green note next to that one.

'_Bet you think you're gonna get some of that, huh? Well you're wrong. I called you when I saw you. You're mine, sweetcakes._ — (crossed out name) **Walter Sullivan**.'

'EWWWWWW!' Henry screamed as he threw the note away violently. 'Like hell!' He cocked his rifle. 'I'm gonna get laid by a woman and that is fucking THAT! Hold on baby, I'm coming for ya!' He started running but stopped. 'Well and Cheryl. More Cheryl than Claire but Claire is a significant part of the reason why I'm on my way.' He began running again and stopped. 'And James. James, Claire, and Cheryl, in order of least to greatest importance, are the reasons why I am going to the amusement park.' He ran once more.

_ To be continued . . . . . . . ._

_Are the Watchmen characters dead? Will Henry reach the amusement park in time? Will I put you through the horror of Henry-Walter Yaoi? Find out next time, in Chapter 14 of The Nameless Parody!_

_Richard: If you put us through Yaoi, I will fucking burn this story into nothingness._

_EF: Relax guys. I'm not that horrible of a person._

_Amarant: Yes you are actually._

_EF: So don't ever make me angry, ever._

_Henry: Ask the damn questions! I'm so close to getting laid it's ridiculous!_

_EF: Well it's funny you mention getting laid, because our question is from Psychoburner420, who asks: _"Dear Henry, did you ever think of telling Eileen that your Wang was a surgical instrument and offer to play Doctor in order to have your way with her? I mean, she's so dumb she would probably fall for it."

_Henry: Well yeah, I did try that once, actually._

_Richard: HAHAHAHA! I remember that!_

_Henry: Shut up . . ._

_Amarant: That was priceless, disturbing, and hilarious all rolled up in one big ball._

_EF: Why, what happened?_

_Henry: It went a little something like this . . ._

—Flashback In Quality Time? What? What the Hell?—

Henry casually walks into his room, where Eileen is listening to her iPod and singing loudly off-key while thinking she's good.

'Hey Eileen!' Henry said. The woman promptly snapped her headphones off and leapt up and embraced Henry.

'What is it Henry?' she asked as if shit was going down.

'. . .'

'Hee hee! Where am I?'

'That's more like it. Listen, I was wantin' to know if you want to play doctor or somethin'. You know, I feel you and I don't hang out enough.' He bit his lip and growled, so fierce was the mental anguish crashing upon him.

'Of course!' the airhead declared.

'Cool! Let's play . . . uh . . . oh, I know! Gynecologist and his patient! I've got this . . . ointment . . . that prevents . . . . . . . . . . . herpes. And I've got this applicator right here—' He pointed to his crotch.

Just then Tom walked in the room briskly. 'Did you say that you have a herpes treatment?' he cried.

'Uh Tom, kinda busy—'

'Let me see this applicator!' the Pyramid Head said as he ripped Henry's pants off and grabbed the man in a place where no man should be grabbed by a demon or another man.

'TOM WHAT THE FUCK ARE—' Henry screamed.

Just then Richard teleported into the room and hit Tom in the head with his crowbar repeatedly. The demon released Henry's kraken and ran down the hall.

'Thanks Richard,' Henry wept.

'Hey man, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' He promptly grabbed Eileen and dragged her out of the room.

—End Flashback—

_Richard: The one thing about Eileen I love — she doesn't know a corpse from a bag of chips._

_Amarant: Do you have any idea how loud you guys were that night?_

_Richard: Yes, sir, I do._

_Amarant: You dick._

_Richard: That's the name._

_EF: That wraps this chapter up, everyone. Stay tuned for Chapter 14, coming soon to a theater near you!_

_Richard, Amarant, and Henry: Take care!_


	14. Chapter 14: The One With The Hostages

Chapter 14: The One With All The Hostages

Henry came before the sewer entrance hastily. After he was finished he cleaned up and looked at the entrance thoughtfully.

'This has "You are fucked" written all over it,' he whimpered as he tried to climb down. As if to drive this point home, the ladder broke and he plummeted to the bottom of the sewer with a loud thud that alerted all the monsters in the area to his presence.

'Hello!' came the voices of several dozen tube-heads throughout the sewers. 'A new friend! Let's welcome him!' they said in unison as they all began to search for the helpless man.

'Now not the time to impede my progress!' our hero yelled as he darted forward and began laying waste to the advancing lines of tube-heads that were advancing at him in lines with his hunting rifle.

'Yay, death!' they each declared as their tube-heads deflated with a farting sound.

'These guys are not right!' Henry said while mowing them down in a hail of rifle fire. Suddenly one leapt across the room and latched onto his chest.

'Howdy! I'm Kevin!' it greeted before latching onto his neck and beginning to suck his bloods.

'Gaaah get it off!' Henry cried shrilly as he ran around aimlessly.

'I'm Kevin!' the tube-head declared happily.

'I'm Kevin too!' the rest of the tube-heads quickly said just as cheerfully.

'Get off of me Kevin, I don't like you,' Henry whimpered tearfully as he pulled weakly at the monster sucking his life force out.

'Oh . . .' the tube-head said sadly as it let go and fell to the ground. 'I see.'

'Oh,' the others sighed sadly as they hung their heads dejectedly and shuffled away.

'H-Hey now,' Henry said, moved by their sadness. 'Don't feel too bad . . .'

'No, it's okay,' they all said.

'No, listen, I didn't mean it. You're alright, Kevin.'

'Really?' they all asked sincerely.

'Yeah!'

They all suddenly perked up. 'Yay! I'm Kevin!' All of them leapt at him at the same time.

'FUCK!' Henry screamed as he was overpowered by sucky tube-head monsters all named Kevin.

— — — _The Amusement Park_ — — —

'Get the fuck off of me, asshole!' Claire hissed as Walter dragged her to the Merry-Go-Round where James sat tied to the middle.

'Get the fuck off of her asshole!' Setzer yelled in disgust as he was dragged by a stoned Jim the Pyramid Head.

'Setzer shut up.'

'Are you serious?' the man cried in disbelief.

'I'm James!' James screamed at the top of his lungs.

'And I'm . . .' Jim said. '. . . umm . . . I'm . . .' He looked up in extreme thought. '. . . oh hell, I know this one . . . . . . . . . . Tom! Wait, no . . . . . I am Error. Damn, that don't sound right either . . . . . . . was I an eagle? No, I don't have a beak. Oh, that's right, I'm Kevin!'

'You're Jim!' James said. 'But I'm James. Jim and James are the same name.' He looked up at the camera with an absolutely horrified and bewildered look on his face.

Author: Yeah, sue me.

'This is Jimmy,' Jim Raynor suddenly said.

Author: Get out!

'Aww.'

Walter and Jim sat their hostages down side-by-side.

'Walter is being strangely not-homosexual,' James noted.

'He's, like, possessed, man,' Jim clarified.

'Shut up,' Walter said in a monotone voice. 'I am simply obeying the orders I was given.'

'By who?' Claire asked angrily.

'That information won't avail you now, so what would the point be?' He grabbed the girl and put his hand over her mouth. 'You won't feel a thing.'

Claire screamed as a parasite shoved its way down her mouth and began to nest in her brain.

'Except that,' Walter said.

She wailed as her back suddenly bulged from the parasite's sudden mass increase.

'. . . and that. But I swear that's it.'

'What are you doing to her? Gherghahga!' Setzer struggled to break free from his bonds. 'You hurt her I'll kill you!'

'Be quiet.'

'No!'

'Yes.'

'Make me, you pissface!'

Walter let Claire go and walked over to Setzer, raising his hand and gently tapping the man on the back of the head. Setzer's eyes teared up and he doubled over with sobbing.

'Do you think I like doing that?' Walter asked.

'No,' Setzer sniffled.

'Wrong.' He smacked the gambler gently once more.

'WAAAAAAAAAAH!' Setzer began to bawl.

'What—you—gonna do?' Claire gasped as she fought the pain coursing throughout her body.

'I'm going to wait until Henry arrives. Then I'm going to kill that idiot in the green jacket and leave you all to have some play time.'

'—at least I—URRK!—have a chance.'

A moment passed.

'Not really,' James said sadly.

'STOP. THE BUS,' came a voice from the side. There stood Henry, in all his glory, his blue shirt completely shredded in places, blood stains all over him and limping slightly.

'Henry,' Walter said. 'I'm so—'

'SHUT UP.' The man limped forward. Murder was in his eyes. 'DO YOU. EVEN KNOW. HOW PISSED I AM RIGHT NOW.'

'I can imagine.'

'NO. YOU CANNOT.'

'You look bad,' James said.

'I FEEL BAD. IN MANY, MANY WAYS. WAYS A MAN SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD IN.'

'I'm afraid that this,' Walter said with a slight grin, 'is the end of the road for you. Alessa shall–—'

Walter recoiled as he was hit in the chest with a bullet. 'Oww! What the fuck, dude!' he said. 'I mean. Eeesh. That will not stop—GOD DAMN THIS REALLY HURTS!'

Henry shot again but missed.

'Nganganagaaaa!' Walter wailed as he ran away. Jim stood there in confusion.

'Wait, am I the bad guy? No, that's . . . I thought I was a penguin. But it's too warm here. I must be an umbrella . . .' He stood perfectly still and said nothing.

'No, you're a dinosaur,' James said as if it was obvious.

'But this isn't a jungle . . .'

'Jim, untie James!' Henry ordered as he ran to look at Claire.

'I can't!' James cried.

'Who's Jim? And who am I? Am I a curtain?' Jim asked, stoned to hell and back. 'No, the sun's not out . . .'

Henry looked at the prostrate girl. 'Claire? You ok—whoa, what have you been drinking?'

She stood up and looked at him with blood-red eyes before pulling out her Browning HP and squeezing off a shot at Henry.

'Fizzlebizzle!' Henry screamed in surprise as he recoiled and ducked. 'Claire, what's the haps?'

'She's stoned!' James said angrily.

'No, she's—' Setzer began before Jim accidentally knocked him out by swinging his arms in spirals.

'Jim!' Henry cried.

'I figured it out, I'm a windmill,' Jim said as he stood in place, swinging his arms.

Henry grabbed James and dragged him behind a little horse-thing while Claire fired at them. In one quick motion he turned James around and cut his bonds with the axe, then spun the blonde back around.

'James . . . this is bad.'

'Henry! You made it!' James cried in glee.

'James—know what? Nevermind. We need to think of a solution to this incredibly BAD situation we are in.'

'Dance?' James suggested.

'No, that never works. Hey, she stopped shooting . . .' Henry lifted his head up. A bang sounded. 'MOTHER FUCK!' he screamed as he fell back, the left side of his head bleeding.

'Is she out?'

'YEAH JAMES, SHE'S OUT!'

'Well then what—' James began as he stood up before another bang sounded and he fell to the ground holding his shoulder. 'OUCH! You lied!'

'DURR!' Henry roared.

Just then the Browning HP flew over the horse and hit Henry in the head. 'Oowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!' he moaned.

'I think she's out now,' James declared.

Henry scrambled to his feet and ran to Claire, decking her in the face and shaking her violently. 'Snap out of it!'

Claire uppercut . . . uppercutted? What is the protocol here?

Author: (shrug)

Claire peformed an uppercut maneuver that launched Henry back several feet.

'Claire! Babycakes! It's me! Henry! That guy who was so close to getting laid but now obviously never will! Oh the horror! Kill me now!' James said.

'James, what the hell are you doing?' Henry yelled. 'Do something HELPFUL!'

'Oh.' James pulled out the red liquid and splashed Claire in the face with it. She fell back, screaming bloody-murder.

'_BLOODY MURDER!_' the woman shrieked as a parasite ripped out of her back and scurried across the floor.

James dove for it and wrestled it before holding it up in his hands while beaming. It floated and rotated while text appeared that said **You got the Evil Parasite!**

'Ooof,' Claire said as she tried to stand up. 'I feel like an evil parasite just detached itself from my brain.' She rubbed her head and paused a moment. 'Waaaiiiit a second . . . . .'

'You okay?' Henry asked as he kneeled beside her. He had tied his blue-overshirt like a bandana around his head, and was thus in just a white T-shirt with some bloodstains here and there.

'My back hurts,' she groaned. 'Is there a wound there?' She turned aronud to reveal a gigantic schism in her skin where the parasite had clawed its way out.

'Nope, ship-shape!' Henry lied as he gave her the ampoule. 'Just to be safe,' he explained. Claire took a drop and threw the vial aside.

'Henry,' she said, 'I don't get why the hell these people had to take your daughter. Out of all the daughters in the world.'

'Well funny story,' Henry laughed as he rubbed the back of his head. 'Cheryl's . . . . . . kind of . . . . NOT . . . my daughter . . . . . .'

Claire looked at him. 'What.'

'I found her in Silent Hill about seven-or-so years ago. I took her to Room 302 with me. She was just so adorable! I couldn't help it! And since she's from here, that probably means that she's got some connection to someone or something, somehow, sometime, somewhere.'

'Cool story brah,' Claire said. 'Can we do it? Punching you in the face kind of did something for me. Plus, without that blue shirt on, you're . . . aesthetically pleasing.'

Henry grinned just as James ran up screaming nonsense. The brunette sighed and looked at James with sadness. 'What?'

'That girl! She's here!'

'Oh yeah, that! Claire, look after James. Or, vise-versa—whatever.' Henry leapt up and darted into the blackness of the amusement park, where he found Alessa.

'Hey! You! Stupid bitch!' he yelled. She turned to regard him. 'I don't know who you are or what you're doing, and I don't give a shit. Just one thing: let Cheryl go. That's all I ask.'

The girl turned and strode away with a spring in her step, declaring 'Haters gonna hate.' Henry barreled forward but was repelled by a magical barrier of energy. He flew back with a cry of 'Shit!'

Just then the Flauros began to glow. Henry snickered, gathered energy in the Flauros, leapt into the air, and screamed '_KAMEHAMEHA!_' A gigantic beam of energy ripped through the barrier and disintegrated Alessa.

'Hmph,' he said. 'That was easy.'

'I am still alive!' Alessa declared as she fell to the ground in pain. Just then, Dahlia showed up!

Henry looked at her suspiciously. 'Dahlia? What—'

'Alessa. You've been a bad girl!'

'Dahlia, what—'

'Such a naughty girl!'

'Okay, Dahlia, seriously, what—'

'An evil, wicked, naughty, despicable little girl!'

'Dahlia, stop fucking cutting me—'

'Girls this wicked need to be spanked, long, and hard!'

'Oh hey Dahlia! I didn't see you here!' Henry laughed as he approached the two.

'You were foolish to think you could get away with what you did!' the old bitch continued.

'Seriously, this is getting annoy—'

'But mommy didn't know how much you've grown!'

'Goddammit, I am a person, and I have thoughts about—'

'I almost couldn't stop you in time! Now we're half indebted to this _fag_ for his help!'

'I AM ABOUT TO FLIP THE FUCK—'

'Come on, Alessa, there is one more thing I need you to do for me.'

Alessa recoiled. 'Eww! I'm not rubbing lotion on your thighs again, you sick-ass!'

'No, I meant die! Dumbass.'

'Oh.' Alessa screamed. 'No! I don't want to die! Get away from me!'

'Come on, let's go home!' Dahlia grabbed Alessa, and the two were whisked away to Narnia, or Oz.

'Wait! Wait! This is such bullshit! I'm sick of being—oh dear, everything's . . . getting . . . so . . . bluurrrrrr-yyyyyyy . . .' With that Henry collapsed on the ground . . .

_TO BE CONTINUED . . ._

_Is there a connection between Cheryl and Silent Hill? Will Henry be able to save her? Is an overshirt-less Henry more appealing to fans of the female gender? Find out on the episode we've ALL been waiting for, Nowhere!_

_EF: Quality Time time!_

_Richard: I wasn't in this chapter :(_

_EF: It's okay Richard. You will be eventually._

_Amarant: In this chapter?_

_EF: You know what I mean._

_Henry: That doesn't stop it from being a stupid thing to say._

_EF: You know what, you guys can just eat a piece of upholstery!_

_Amarant: Just ask the questions so we can get on with our lives._

_EF: Tch, fine. Okay, first and only, from Psychoburner420: _"Richard I have had a greatly growing suspicion that you may be the one that is known only as 'That Guy', because he is incredibly awesome and badass. So now I must ask this question to confirm my suspicions. Have you ever killed somebody at the DMV? And if you are NOT 'That Guy' do you by any chance know 'That Guy'?"

_Richard: Hehehe. I am known by many names, in many stories. Some call me Tim. Some call me Inigo Montoya. Some call me Big Boss, others call me Kefka, while still others know me as Leroy Ivanoff from Hellnight. However—_

_Amarant: That is such bullshit . . ._

_Richard: —one title that I have earned that I proudly display, is That Guy. I am That Guy. I became One Of Those Guys when I ruined the plot of the Star Wars movies during the opening credits. I ascended to Not This Guy when I began to scream at any crying babies I happened upon._

_Henry: What a pleasant man, this Richard Brainfart . . ._

_Richard: However, after many years, I finally achieved That Guy-dom by gunning down an entire line of elderly people at the DMV, simply because I had to take a piss. The government awarded me with this title, as well as alien governments and underground organization. I did not receive an award from the Liandri Corporation, so I destroyed it._

_Henry: All this time, I never knew . . ._

_Amarant: Richard . . ._

_EF: Is That Guy._

_Richard: I'm That Guy._

_Henry: I wanna be That Guy!_

_Richard: Maybe someday, boy, maybe someday._

_EF: Well that about wraps this installment up. Tune in next time for the Nowhere chapters! Those are always a hoot!_

_Richard: Nothing in this story is a hoot._

_EF: Oh shut your dick._

_Richard: Well played._


End file.
